Tuesday, February 19, 2002

the best

i'm looking to my blog for support.

writing things down always helps me.

today i realized something about myself. how i'm NOT the best. i got this list of things a mile long that i've been thinking of that i do and i compete in and that i study... yet i'm not the best, never was, don't know if i ever will be?

examples of what i'm talking about are:

i'm not the best student- never have been anything close to that, or the best friend-i can never remember bdays and i'm sometimes too selfish, i'm so not the best lover-between my low self esteem and my inability to read my own emotions it's a disaster, i'm not the best computer guy- no matter how much i learn, i can't do things that others do, i'm not the best athlete-i competed up thru highschool in multiple sports... but as i look back i was just right in the middle never the best, or worst... just run of the mill

i'm not the best son-my parents have treated me better than most of my friend's parents... they're proud of me but there's so much area for me to improve on, i'm not the best anything... there's so many things more that i'd love to just be the best at. the best as far as my world is concerned, not the entire world... everything i can think of that i do or am interested in, there's someone that jutts into my mind as being better than me at it. hong's a better fisher that me, jowilla know's more music than me, sirimal knows more about cars than me, luis knows more about computers than me, james skateboards better than me, gene's knows more about fishtanks than me, kieron has better social skills than me, kim knows more website stuff than me, even efrain he's a better staffer than me...

i've always wanted to be the best at something. the best at what i do. i have to find a passion for something. so far i have no passion... there's things that i love and that i very much enjoy.. but there's nothing that i can't stop thinking about 24hrs a day... that's why i'm not the best at anything... i'm the worst at a few things. i should be the best at at-least one thing.

i'm not even the best at making myself feel bad... (no names here)


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