Monday, December 22, 2003

"the weekends over. it's monday morning, just you and i

take off your shirt and just say what you mean."

what does this song mean? i dunno. it's confusing. i'm confused. i think everyone around me is confused. but confusion isn't the word of the day. it's scared. i'm scared. people scare me. i empower too many people with too much power. i don't even think that's the right way to use the word empower, or spelling. but you should understand what i mean from the context i use it in. i give people power that i shouldn't. and giving others power and trusting others is just scary to me. very scary.

confused is ok. it's the transition times in life that are the funnest, although during any transition you're unhappy because you're striving for something that's stable. that's not my point. i'm at a point, trying to point you with a point that my point is not so pointy. ok so after making ultra lame point sentences i guess you can conclude that i'm 2 things. confused, and scared, mostly scared. but i'm enjoying it.

Monday, December 15, 2003

just do it!

i don't know whether i'm proud of this, or ashamed of this.

i have never made out with a random girl!!

(you know, meet someone, and within a minute, an hour, or half a day, even 24 hrs... just start mackin' down like there was a luther vandros marathon on 103.5 the KOST)

i'm just as shocked as you are about this. i'm shy. i'm insecure. i'm not cocky. i'm not confident. i'm unsure. i'm afraid. hi i'm ameer, and i'm an anti-girl aholic.

actually no. cause i talk all day and night about girls. if there weren't girls i'd be guilty of killing at least 50 men simply by boring them to death about computers/cars/fishing/gadgets/cartoons/etc... the lame stuffs.

now we're getting into my new "life philosopy". dare i dip into? i'm not finished. but that's the best time to split something open and disect it. it's mankind's way! disect what you don't understand in order to understand.

i've thought about this idea every shower (my designated and most productive thinking time, yes. yes. i don't think on weekends) for the past week or two. and like everytime i talk, there's somewhat of a story to it. i'm going to ex that out today and give it straight.

a certian girl friend of mine (friend that's a girl, not a girlfriend), no matter where. when. who. why. what. other questions that could be asked. and everything else that doesn't fit. she just knows how to live. she figured out life. "well i just figure if i'm gonna be there, i mine as well have a good time" -my girl friend. she said that to me once, and it sparked in my head... why don't i do that?

there's people that think this way. scratch that, they don't. she had no idea how heavy this concept was/is as she dropped it down for me to pick up. i still haven't totally taken it in. many people have this understanding yet don't realize they do, and will never. for example my friend. others see this, want it, but don't understand it either. (then how the hell will i understand it??) they always end up saying "i'm never the life of the party". i don't want to end up like that. i'm a fence walker. when i'm happy i fill in for the: "if i'm here i mine as well have fun" person. but it's so easy to push me over and watch how i fall into becoming one of those "i need people to cheer me up and have a good time" person. those people need the "loud" people in order to have a good time. you have 4-5 of the "quiet" ones around and things get boring really quick.

so how does one convert their personality? you can't. it's impossible to just jump from "acting" one way to "acting" another way. it's fake, and it'll fall on you harder than a grand piano from the 58th story. it's like a diet. or quitting smoking. or learning to play a guitar.

"a little bit, a lot of the time"

oh ok, i got it. so eat a little bit of food, but have 5 small meals instead of 3 big ones, that'll help you eventually lose weigh. smoke 5 cigs a day, then 4, then 3, and 2, then 1. and soon... none.. it's a time thing. can't just up and stop right? how then do i ask does one go about going from "quiet" to "loud" in small bites?

same way, i just am working on that paralellism that exists between dieting and having fun. it's somewhere, does that sound strange to me? i think it does.

i'm stumbling on this. i'm tripping and dragging my feet, falling everywhere trying to someday think a bit differently. not to change my personality, it's mentality i'm after.

question is, will my abscence of making out with random girls be threatened by this new mentality? personally i think there's more correlation to tacos and aincient sun-gods than my girl issues and this new method of thinking. but then who knows about sun gods? and who knows about girls?

Sunday, December 14, 2003

what an ugly car!!

there's something strangely attractive about a girl who drives an old car. the attraction isn't just a sexual attraction, nor is it a "i'd be missing out big time if i wasn't hanging out with that person" kind of attraction. it's a total, 100% in every aspect attraction. i love it!

yet, based on my previous the "grass is greener post", a girl in a nice car is very attractive as well. but i think that's more of a sexual attraction only. cause for some reason a girl who drives a nice car yields a great fantasy to almost any man. considering the man usually ends up driving the girls car. so ultimately, if you date a girl with a hot car, you have a hot car. i was in la and saw this regular looking whatever girl get into a brand new still no liscence plates silver with 18"rims infinity G35. sure i drooled a bit. but later on i saw 3 girls in a 1986 honda accord hatchback. guess who looked like more fun. sure three is better than one. but let's take her two friends out and which ride would you take?

now that girl with the old car. like really old. for example we'll talk about a 1979 volvo that's still together but if you drive it for 30 mins at 4500 rpm which comes out to about 83mph on a flat freeway, she'll (the car) overheat and you have to give it a nice 45min break on the side of the road with the hood up and plans of arriving on time out the window.

besides the obvious, (the car overheating) how is this hot? what about a girl sitting on the side of the road waiting for her car to cool down is attractive? simple. most girls for whom daddy purchased a nice new 2003 4 door honda accord ex, have been taken care of that same way all their life. if they had to wait 45mins on the side of the road and watch 1,000's of other not-overheated cars pass her by she'd go nuts and everyone within 3degrees of her would know and feel the horrible pain that she had to endure while her car overheated. she'd be on the phone calling everyone she could to get her out of there quick. and then she'd be on the phone yelling and complaining to the new loser guy that she's dating now cause she also can't handle being a single girl for more than a 2 week period. yes we all know her. that girl, like those girls. yep.

but our old car driving girl, she'd have a book or a journal, maybe she'd entertain herself counting the number of different liscense plates that pass her by in the 45min. regardless she's enjoying her time on the road, instead of resenting the world. this would be an unexpected relaxation period instead of an unacceptable inconvinence. see daddy raised accord girl with a nice fluffy pillow under her tushy. and daddy raised old car girl with the knowledge of repairing lawn mowers and installing sprinklers on saturday morning before all the chores had to get done.

this boils down to the higher tolerance, more independant, patient, grateful, more attractive girl for our hero to admire. granted there's nothing like a nice reliable car to drive you home at 3am. but there's something that's just more irritating than a clan of ants invading your ankles, and that's a girl who can, but won't -cause she never had to- change her taillight when it blows out. i'm not saying all women should be gearheads, because it's a rewarding feeling to explain to a girl (has to be the old car girl) the concept of forced induction. who doesn't like forced induction, *sigh* forced induction =)

i'd like a girl with an old car. old car = charachter, old car = independance, old car = knowledge, old car = personality, old car = adapting to certian circumstances. if if i were to write a movie, i'd do one about me and my friends. no real plot, just great charachters. charachters that you could picture yourself being, or hanging out with, and having a great grand old slap your knee, fun time. i'd be me. and i'd make me meet a girl. and she'd drive an old car.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

i have a disease

i wrote of this before, i mentioned it. but it's plauging me now. the grass is always greener on the other side, man i live that shit so much.

my job. i love it, i hate it. i want to be like those other kids i went to school with that go to work at 9am and live in LA and party and play and get paid to write emails and talk to people about stuff that has no right or wrong answer, just will work or will work better. i want to have young attractive 23 year old girls as co workers that bore me with their petty life problems of boys, back stabbing girl friends, and macy card debt. but then i love working with superalloys and 8000 ton presses with furnaces as big as a two car garage that heat up to 2100 degrees F.

i want a girlfriend, a serious one. one that i can call anytime of the day everyday and won't feel akward that i'm calling her cause it's normal for me to do so like that. everytime i buy tickets to some event i always account for her cause she's going to come with me no matter... on random occasions she'd show up with a nice present or something small just to say she loved me more than anyone else, i'd do the same. i'd worry about the perfect gift for her christmas present and how i'd present it to her, and she'd do the same for me, then we'd snuggle by a warm fire with hot cocoa and snow falling outside thru the foggy window. we all long for this. we all want this, i want this just as bad if not more than any other single lonely mid 20 year old person. and as soon as i'd realize what i had, i'd immediately yearn for the single life. how grand it was to not worry about someone else's feelings when going out to dinner with a semi-attractive friend of the opposite sex. i'd complain about seeing the same face day in and day out, and when she called for the 5th time that same day i'd not pick up my phone just cause i was busy playing ping pong and smoking a cigarette with a friend in the garage. the simple idea of being able to have sex with two different girls in two different days would be enough to drive her away like a victim of the ibola virus. i need freedom.

i want to live in the city. in a big city. where the intresting restraunts and clubs and people are found. i want to have a small wood floor appt above a bakery or a liquor store that i can complain about the parking and the crummy stairwell that leads to my over priced under square-footaged leaky faucet appt that has 4 locks on the front door and a doorbell that doesn't work. and after 4 months i'll hate it. and want to move into the house i'm at right now, 10 mins from the beach, a garage for all my extra "i can't throw it away" valubles, and the warm comfort of a front and back yard with a patio and the option to invite 150 of my closest friends and tap the keg and empty out the jungle juice in under 4 hrs.

i want to live in la county, where you see stars, "everything is happeing" and the girls are the hottest in the united states. when i travel to different place i'll say "i'm from LA" and they'll look at me like i'm some higher form of life that can survive with super movie stars as well as lethal gang bangers all in a 30 mile radius. and as i live there i dream of living in the ever so relaxing and comfortable san diego. where my family will take care of me, my friends are more genuine than a pair of levis, and i don't get lost on my way home from someone's house that i've been to 2 times before.

i HATE it. i tell my self daily that i can't have it all, i have to choose, and normally choose with a very level headed decision. therefore the life that i live and the things that i do are the greenest of the grass. it never feels that way. it never appears that way when you look at your own grass tho. it's brown, dead, there's patches of dirt and pebbles. not to mention the weeds are taking over that one corner by the planter that has nothing growing in it.

just tell yourself that you're happy with what you got.. i do that, i tell myself stuff every day. and i wish i was one of those people who didn't tell themselves anything any day.
age old question: is mankind good or evil?

i read the lord of the flies. and i watched the movie (wait ameer read a book? this has to be a fib! no, i admit this is the only book i did read in highschool, i read the entire book, and i set the curve on the test for the book. it was in mr. battilega's class. i think i got a 98%)

i hated that book. i hated reading it, the message, piggy, the conch, the scar, all of it.

if you don't know the story, here's a recap: this airplane crashes on an island. it's full of schoolboys. the pilot didn't really make it so there's no adult supervision. at first they have order and whatnot, but eventually they lead to savage destructive selfish ways. they kill and they steal and go against the rules of society that they learned back in private school.

so it's all about how man is evil. this discussion has been beaten like a dead horse (i just got this analogy: since you beat a horse to make it run faster when riding it, and if you're beating a dead horse it's not going to run cause it's dead... ie wasting your energy... i know someone out there is like "oh THAT'S what they meant!!" cause i sure didn't give that a time of day, i totally thought of some dude with a bat just hitting a horse while it's dead on the ground... i dunno)

so yea, i oppose this notion that man is good nor evil. good and evil are just poor that's the problem. like the man said, everything is relative. so you have to relate good to who? is it good for 1st person, family, government, mankind, animals, environment. i use the word good 487,925 times a day (i like good don't get me wrong) but it's never in the same context, well unless i repeat myself.

then evil. the only time i use the word evil is when i quote austin powers or something. cause evil gives you the feeling of just doing something for it's pure wrongness and to offend/hurt/destroy as much as possible.

i feel that to sum it up. man is selfish. yup. that's it, eaisly said and done. the endless argument whether man is good or evil has been settled with neither. he's selfish. being selfish is both good and evil. good for you, evil to others. but it's survival. if animals weren't selfish they'd starve. if people weren't selfish then ferrari would go out of business. if i wasn't selfish then i wouldn't make beautiful women buy me expencive bottles of scotch at my every desire. man i wish i wrote a book about some kids that got stranded on an island and were selfish (instead of evil) i'd make millions and my dreams would come true.

Thursday, December 4, 2003

love is loosing

i'm horrible at anything school related, but in a class i do recall a greek myth being talked about. while i fantasized about cars, computers, pens, palm pilots, fishing boats, turntables, fishing poles, dual monitors, 100gig harddrives, cell phones, l@ptops (i put the @ instead of an 'a' because now blogger will link specific words like laptops to sites ranked on selling such items... everything's a fucking commercial), wireless internet, korean bbq, beer, cigarettes, digital c@meras, salsa with chips, etc...

we learned of a man who loved a woman so much. more than any man loved any woman. and right before, or after, their marriage. she died. and he played the harp, or guitar, some string instrument. (i was dreaming when listening to this) so then he'd go around playing the saddest song anyone had ever heard. and eventually he came to a place where the song was so sad that the women of the village chopped him up into little bits and threw him into the town river. to go finally be with his lover.

this story has no point whatsoever.

but what i'm trying to say is that these days people will keep themselves occupied long enough to get over a loss like that and move on to find a new significan other.

i'm talking about cars, computers, pens, palm pilots, fishing boats, turntables, fishing poles, dual monitors, 100gig harddrives, cell phones, l@ptops, wireless internet, korean bbq, beer, cigarettes, digital c@meras, salsa with chips, etc...

ya all those things one can become immersed in and forget about a lost love for a significant amount of time. heck those things may just be enough to keep one going. not forever, but surely for a time period to realize how grand it is to be alive, and everyone gets another chance.

i think that's what i'm currently doing. i'm playing ostrige and buring my head in the sand cause i'm scared of what's around me. soon i'll pop up and take a peek at everyone, but as for now, it's natures defense mechanism for me.
answer the questions and we'll tell you who you are

i took the same quiz as hong and jon and turned out that i'm an 8. yup. numero ocho. 8 of 9. i'm like a B+ on a straight scale! not bad.

but i realize that i'm such not a do-it-the-first-time-and-get-it-right person. so i'm up to do it again (daddy) [funny poke at that skittles commercial from back in the days]

....180 questions later....

ok so this time i'm a 9.

before i was 85% 8 and 80% 9

now i'm 85% 9 and 83% 8... peep this:

as an 8 i'm just always looking for the next best thing, i can't commit to anything cause i'm in constant wait of a level jump. and i want to get all buckwild and then more buckwild.

then as a 9 i'm overlooked as a child. aviod tension, and should be a counselor. weird.

looks like of the 69,000 people that took the test, most are 8's. 7's are second and 9's are third. guess everyone feels like i do. yet as an 8, people don't feel like me.

now this is all great, what does it mean?

i've been under a big life changing idea. it's something so simple but it's results are phenominal. i'm working on a life philosopy for myself that should carry me at least a year or so. and if it all goes well maybe more.

will i reveal it? no. not yet, it's not finished. i'm in the R&D stage. it's not an original idea. it's many people's life philosopy, it's just that i have no means of adapting it without my own liason philosopy. it's very strange to me exactly how much dramatic a new outlook/lifephilosopy makes to your daily life. i'll see you guys in another light.

oh yea here's the personality quiz

Tuesday, December 2, 2003

hot sauce

i now have a bottle of everywhere i plan on spending more than 2 consecutive hrs:

work, hong's, and of course where i live. so ladies, you know it's serious when i bring over a bottle of this stuff and put it in your fridge, that's almost as solid of a commitment as an engagement ring.

Monday, December 1, 2003

how was your thanksgiving?


thanksgiving pictures

are posted =)