Monday, December 15, 2003

just do it!

i don't know whether i'm proud of this, or ashamed of this.

i have never made out with a random girl!!

(you know, meet someone, and within a minute, an hour, or half a day, even 24 hrs... just start mackin' down like there was a luther vandros marathon on 103.5 the KOST)

i'm just as shocked as you are about this. i'm shy. i'm insecure. i'm not cocky. i'm not confident. i'm unsure. i'm afraid. hi i'm ameer, and i'm an anti-girl aholic.

actually no. cause i talk all day and night about girls. if there weren't girls i'd be guilty of killing at least 50 men simply by boring them to death about computers/cars/fishing/gadgets/cartoons/etc... the lame stuffs.

now we're getting into my new "life philosopy". dare i dip into? i'm not finished. but that's the best time to split something open and disect it. it's mankind's way! disect what you don't understand in order to understand.

i've thought about this idea every shower (my designated and most productive thinking time, yes. yes. i don't think on weekends) for the past week or two. and like everytime i talk, there's somewhat of a story to it. i'm going to ex that out today and give it straight.

a certian girl friend of mine (friend that's a girl, not a girlfriend), no matter where. when. who. why. what. other questions that could be asked. and everything else that doesn't fit. she just knows how to live. she figured out life. "well i just figure if i'm gonna be there, i mine as well have a good time" -my girl friend. she said that to me once, and it sparked in my head... why don't i do that?

there's people that think this way. scratch that, they don't. she had no idea how heavy this concept was/is as she dropped it down for me to pick up. i still haven't totally taken it in. many people have this understanding yet don't realize they do, and will never. for example my friend. others see this, want it, but don't understand it either. (then how the hell will i understand it??) they always end up saying "i'm never the life of the party". i don't want to end up like that. i'm a fence walker. when i'm happy i fill in for the: "if i'm here i mine as well have fun" person. but it's so easy to push me over and watch how i fall into becoming one of those "i need people to cheer me up and have a good time" person. those people need the "loud" people in order to have a good time. you have 4-5 of the "quiet" ones around and things get boring really quick.

so how does one convert their personality? you can't. it's impossible to just jump from "acting" one way to "acting" another way. it's fake, and it'll fall on you harder than a grand piano from the 58th story. it's like a diet. or quitting smoking. or learning to play a guitar.

"a little bit, a lot of the time"

oh ok, i got it. so eat a little bit of food, but have 5 small meals instead of 3 big ones, that'll help you eventually lose weigh. smoke 5 cigs a day, then 4, then 3, and 2, then 1. and soon... none.. it's a time thing. can't just up and stop right? how then do i ask does one go about going from "quiet" to "loud" in small bites?

same way, i just am working on that paralellism that exists between dieting and having fun. it's somewhere, does that sound strange to me? i think it does.

i'm stumbling on this. i'm tripping and dragging my feet, falling everywhere trying to someday think a bit differently. not to change my personality, it's mentality i'm after.

question is, will my abscence of making out with random girls be threatened by this new mentality? personally i think there's more correlation to tacos and aincient sun-gods than my girl issues and this new method of thinking. but then who knows about sun gods? and who knows about girls?


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