Saturday, March 30, 2002

ameer is a pimp daddy

i surf thur pages and i see what it is that my friends have to say... i don't have any thing to say.

goals for the eveneing:

clean house, clean me, go to store -tp and shit, eat, work on server and blog, tint windows (bedroom), and play smore craft in between...

i'm wild, i kno

since i have nothing else better to write up in here, and nothing more interesting to say, i'll leave it at that.

not telling what i did but what i'll do... little yellow different

Wednesday, March 27, 2002

winter quarter

winter quarter has always been the low-point of my year. it's when i have the least amout of energy for social situations, partys, going out... and whatnot

i think it's because of the weather. the clouds, the temp. makes me sad. i find myself watching back to back full house episodes

i was on my way up to irvine, when my rear right tire blew out.. so i'm waiting for mommy to come home to go get me a new tire! whoopie.

see.. pathetic time in my life. can't wait for spring to start

Tuesday, March 26, 2002

spring break

spring break to me isn't about mexico girls gone wild style partying. i've heard it's overrated anyhow.

spring break to me is relaxing and well getting chores done at home for mom and dad.

feels like break is over and i have to go back from mom and dad's house to my pad, and somehow it feels like THAT's where i'll be doing work. but i don't really do anything up there besides write in this thing... hmph

oh well... what does he mean. that's my motto-sorta thing rite.

cause even i don't know

Friday, March 22, 2002

got a story:

so i was sitting at the library waiting for my shift to end.. this is all i did at work. i noticed that this girl had been on the campus phone for the longest time, we're talking hours here.... anyhow, she got up the idea to come to us to ask for something and pretty soon (you could tell she was frustrated) she told us her whole story of how she lives in la, was having an interview, but couldn't find the interviewer...

anyhow she asked for a ride back to LA. i said sure... got my backpack, got ready to go and as we were walking out the door, her interviewer walked in. the girl was so happy that she hugged and said "the people here are so nice!!!" then she went off to her interview... i hope she got it.

even though she was supposed to be at the med lib which is in orange. (med students, how do they ever get by?)

but yea. i coulda had a wild nite, take some random chick to LA, i was about to call everyone i knew up in LA just to chill with them... did i mention that the girl offered 70 dollars to let me drive her home! course i wouldn't have taken it, but i wouldn't have let her know that till right before i dropped her off. prolly better i didn't go. i'll party hardy tomorrow with the moviestars cause someone got me on a list to some party somewhere where the somebody's are supposed to be. i'm somewhat skeptical. we'll see tho, and you'll read

been avioding girls with their hari up tho. even though some look really good with their hair up. i guess i'll slowly just go about talking to them a bit more sensitively. but that means thinking on my toes, which means being concious of everything i say/do.. which means disaster to anyone who knows what that's like.

hmph, maybe it's better that i'm on spring break watching downloaded movies in my room by myself at 1:59am

Wednesday, March 20, 2002

lemme finish what i started

after a not so funny incedent i usually try to comfort the situation with a bit of a laugh... usually i don't have to think about what it is that i'm going to say, it just pops out of my mouth and people hear it. sometimes i'm not that smooth, other's i even impress myself. take for example my earlier quote.

"dude, girls with their hair up have more attitude" <~ or something close to that.

which my friend looked at me and kinda gave a 'what did you say' face... but by the time that he gave that face to me i had 100000 backup scenarios/examples of why girls ARE more sassy when their hair is up.

let's dig further:

-professional: girls are to have their hair up in the work place more often than not. so in effect, the girls that have their hair up feel a bit more professional. and professional girls must be very agressive, demanding, and in your face... or else they won't be taken seriously, specially if they're really good looking.

if i were to write a fatty function, this'd be it: behavior(attitudes(feel (look)))

this means that behavior depends on attitude.

attitude depends on how you feel

how you feel depends on how you look -> to some extent....

but i'm saying that this hair up or hair down is weight enough to tip the scale from sweet & cuddly to offensive & mean.

-patience: it doesn't take first hand experience to know that girls DO have to have patience with their hair. i mean, when it's down they are obviously feeling a bit more tolerant, cause they have to deal with hair in their face, hair getting stuck on places, making sure that it looks good most of the time. but when they get a bit frustrated with putting up with it, they put their hair up and then watch out. cause then they don't want to deal with your crap.

-the phrase: let your hair down... means to relax. have fun, be sexy. when girls want to be hot, they let their hair down. and girls who want to look good want to be attractive. they normally have to be a little nicer than usual to be attractive.

-now every smartass will ask me: what about girls with short hair.

let's walk thru the steps to figure this one out.

girls with short hair can have two types of short hair: the kind that's styled and the kind that's not. the kind that needs attention like gel, palm-ait, mousse, you know, everymorning products... that's == to hair up. girls with their short hair that just looks natural and random well that's hair down.

there's some counter argument to this theory, but this will work for you a good 95% of the time. which is a good ass percent if you ask me.

just remember, changing lifes outlook sometimes is from something you just blurt out. happened here. i'm staying away from hair - up girls.

Monday, March 18, 2002

hair up or down

self quote: "dude, girls with their hair up have more attitude"

i said this not knowing exactly what i was getting myself into...

Saturday, March 16, 2002

so after about a 15 min conversation with my good friend briz (pronounced breese) i realized just how much this guy loves his boxer-breifs.

personally i wear boxers, or breifs. on some days i feel like a tightywhity kinda man. then others i go a bit free with the boxers.

briz dislikes both and goes for the hybrid - the boxer briefs.

i mean this is coming from a guy who is pretty concerned about details, he unlike normal people and like me, pays maximum attention to the most minimal detail. which is one reason we get along so well. BUT on underwear i'm just not sure. i mean briz also wears a pen clipped to his collar at almost all times...

(this post does not in any what make fun of, disrespect, look down upon, or taunt Briz B. Garcia)

but should i trust him? what if i blow 7.99 at target on some underwear that i just won't ever wear again? or what if i discover that i never want to wear my 12.99 designer gap boxers? or even worse what if i decide to never use my endless supply of tightywhitys! ! !

i'm honestly at a loss.. i can't choose, and this is only underwear.

should see me when i have to make a real decision

Friday, March 15, 2002

yea i just wrote an entry on how i want to be a teacher, cause i've had crappy teachers, and want to show them up.

but i didn't want to post it. instead i want to just say something worth reading. i write for myself, and i think that i am the most critical. i do look back on these and when i see something i posted that's garbage, i get down on myself.

i also look at other's blogs and say to myself, how would i feel if i wrote that? usually it's about their day, or what's new with them. it's as if people write what it is that they'd normally say in those useless conversations with people that you'd never put any effort into keeping in contact once you stop coincidentally crossing paths.

i guess in an unconcious effort to aviod those conversations all together, but in actuality promoting them by fueling the fire of useless conversation between the two people.

which pop's up a question. or a concept, of unconciousness. i see lots of things go on by lots of people. and i'm wondering if they're doing what they're doing without knowing it? conveying my idea only by words without diagrams and hand motions is hard enough. but the way i see it is that people end up "doing something unconsiously" simply by not being able to see where they're going. or refusing to look where they're going. i don't mean when they're walking/driving but in life.

they focus on the immediate goals, or the immediate actions that bring satisfaction, yet if they were to continue with that they'd end up somewhere that doesn't bring any satisfaction, or minimal. but they fail to see that. or like on a rollercoaster they see that there's a hill after the dip, which is good (but don't see that there's an even larger dip after that hill)

where am i going with this? what am i saying? i think i lost focus here of where i'm going. these kids talking here all loud about some med school applications distracted me and i'm mad cause last night i thought of some really cool ideas and forgot them today cause i was too tired to write them down

maybe it was all just a dream. is this a dream?

Tuesday, March 12, 2002


i'm in this writer's block. not sure what to think about it.

my friends/family/random people i say hi to/lunch line ladys/neighbors that look into my window/ they all know one similar thing about me. i don't read.

and well reading and writing go together quite well (so i'm told)

but i'm in a writer's block... shit you never hear of engineering blocks? why's that? cause engineers are always solving problems. and if they are having problems solving a problem, well that's just another problem to work on... so engineers won't have problems till everything's perfect. lemme quote someone who i forgot:"don't worry about perfection, you'll never reach it" i heard/read that somewhere.

but yea. girls.. it's always about girls, the mainstream idea of the human culture. yesterday i told my roomate "if there were no chicks tomorrow, and you came into my room and said 'yo there's no chicks anymore' i'd tell you to get out of my room, cause i'm going back to sleep"

so back to the story. raph asked me how do guys keep friend with girls that don't like them but they like?

the answer was so trivial that i couldn't think of it when he ask me.

cause damn i'm friends with lots of girls that i like!

a friendship and a relation ship to me only have one difference. sex. and sex is the root of all evil. (most evil) sexdrive totally manipulates people's way of thinking and feeling.

factor that out of a relationship and you got a friendship.

with my ex girlfriend my most memorable and favorite times was when we were together, just acting like friends. i remember going to summer school with her. and just sitting at the picnic tables eating bad food on a beautiful day. to anyone else it'd look like we were just two friends. i guess the reason that i like that so much was cause i could look at her and say that's MY girlfriend (course.. she was really pretty)... she wasn't sitting on my lap, or lying in my bed. cause those times you can't really see the entire person. just looking at her and talking to her. not about relationship stuff. not about school. about complete nothings like what do you think looks better backpacks or messenger bags?

*wipes tear from eye* <~ just kidding, i know i poured it on thick but i just like remembering.

i guess the reason that i like that part of the relationship the best is because a relationship has to be very very solid in order to also be a friendship. so what i'm trying to say is that by being simply friend with girls that i have feelings for i quickly jump to this level with them and have relationship satisfaction at the price of a friendship. the only thing i miss out on is sex.

but sex is like a drug that i'd like to not take too much cause i know that it's more addictive than heroin. i see people who are on sex (you can spot them from a mile) their day revolves around it, i'd rather control sex, than be like everyone else and have sex control me.

just results in me having friends that i like.
maintaining friendships w/girls you still like?

when you try to keep that friendship going, you become, more or less, one of the guys, a part of a collective group, a fucking number with no chance of asserting your individuality. as much as the friendship might mean to you, nine times out of ten it means fuck all to the "friend."

-- which is why it is much more of an advantage to keep girls around who like YOU. because they offer you the one thing girls who don't "like you" can't -- affection

finally, a girl who doesn't like you probably never will. it's astounding how many hours guys waste on girls because of a simple, childish fantasty. i think you'll recoginze the plot.

girl shuns guy as suitor, guy plays the role of the friend, girl proceeds to date a gaggle of idiots until she slowly, but surely, realizes that her "friend", by comparison (or default), is the perfect guy. & then they live happily ever after, right?

(i am one of the many millions of guys who once bought into this myth.)

the truth is: most girls don't date guys because they're nice. they date them because they're desirable -- & there are many different ways to be desirable. a guy could be desirable to other girls because he was nice or a "good friend", but that's normally only half of it.

the only way you can get a girl to like you who doesn't is to make her jealous -- or so i'm told. i've met a few girls who have told me that they never liked their "friends" until these friends fell in love, got girlfriends & stopped hanging out w/them. it's because then they were finally conviced that this guy was desirable when, before, they had only seen him as a simple friend. the only problem is finding some one else.

but, then again, that was the whole idea in the first place.

excerpts from an email that a friend sent me. sounds cynical? well he's a rat.

Monday, March 11, 2002

first kiss

i just watched the 13th episode of love hina, a kinda strange/cute/innocent/sexually frustrated japanese anime series. i personally love it, but the episode was on first kisses. and how eveyone had a pretty lame first kiss. and how most haven't ever had their first kiss.

they had two girls kiss for the main girl's first kiss at the end.... but somehow turned it out to be cute and innocent and stuff.

anyhow, my friend just asked me what is my favorite song lyric... shit that's a hard question. i answered with the first thing that came to mind from digital underground's humpty dance "i'm sick like that, straight gangsta mack, but sometimes i get rediculus, i'll eat up all your crackers and your licorush" i think that's hella funny cause he's like 'gangsta mack' then 'crackers and licorush' who eats crackers with licorush? i dunno, i like stuff like that.

today i ate pepperoni pizza with that rooster sauce and ranch dressing. i think that combo fits me perfectly.... some good ol red blooded american, and some what the fcuk is that stuff and why is it on your pizza.

whatever. this is what happens when i don't use the backspace key (advice that ameer gave me) random, lame, unfocused...

my first kiss i can't even remember. first's are fun.. because it's new, and new things usually get better with time.. well stuff like this does.

anyhow this just in: sputnik7 hit this link if you ever hit one.. cause this site streams hip-hop, anime, electronic, and global videos.. also has other stuff.. pretty fatty dude rite now it's playing sword for truth and has chicks fighting with swords!

Sunday, March 10, 2002

seems like all i do is write something, then erase it cause after my first revision my mind has changed so much that i don't even want to go thru with what i initially thought was cool...

i just did that on two of my friend's comment section AND here in the blogger thingy...

that's three times...

if this was baseball i'd be out...


Saturday, March 9, 2002

sooooooo much fun!!!

dax riders

click the go to online remix and mess with the slider knobs...

Friday, March 8, 2002

you say you're lonely,

don't care anymore.

emptyness bounds,

and love surrounds the hole inside your heart.

it feels so sad,

it's never been this bad,


don't want to change the world,

not gonna change your mind.

i'll only say that if you stay,

then love is what you'll find.

but you've come.

cause love takes so long...

you say you're emtpy,

don't feel anymore.

lonelyness bounds,

and music pounds.

around and around and around...

you're moving way to fast,

move like nothing never lasts,

just keep on pushing.

could be anything you want,

could do anything you feel.

love is all around you, but you don't belive it's real

just be fearless.

baby be fearless.

do it now...

do it now...

all my life,

i sit and wonder.

why you put your self down.

what's so bad what's so bad,

about what we have now?

raise your head in the twilight,

raise your hands to the skylight.

i'd say i love you,

no fear anymore.

happyness is found

let love come down,

and shine inside your heart.

you're beautiful inside, i'm in love with your mind, and your heart, and your soul, and your eyes

can be anything you want,

can do anything you feel.

love is all around you,

but you don't believe it's real.

open up your mind

listen to your heart

leave lonelyness behind

come on come on come on..

do it now...

(lyrics to 'do it now' but dubtribe sound system - a married duet by the name of moonbeam and sunshine jones 1999)

Thursday, March 7, 2002

my firiend sent me this, made me smile!
12:18pm testing comment adjustments

i work at the library by myself at a desk, nobody comes to my desk cause i'm the security guy

i have 2 of my three classes with no friends, nobody i know in either

and at 11:30pm when i get home, nobody's home.

i'm lonely

i sift thru my phone list and see names of pretty girls and cool guys

but i don't desire to talk to any of them,

or just don't have the confidence to call any of them

i'm lonely

reflecting back i wish i would have taken advantage of being partners with tomoko

she said i was her number one, and i though she was very pretty

i felt uneasy around her cause i had this idea that she was better than me and i didn't fit in with her

she didn't feel the same way.

now i'm just an idiot

i also reflect back on kim and why we broke up...

i don't know why, i sometime wish we hadn't, i sometime wish i could call her

but we did, and i don't

it's been almost a year

slowly i progress to pathetic

i lay in bed and think of what to post here.

i sit in class and fantasize about learning new skills and improving myself to be more like those who i admire.

i mess up and dwell on it, then later put myself down for being imperfect, resulting in poor confidence and poor performance.

being aware of your problems is the first step.

"first thing is that you have to know what you don't know" -my dad
this time

i wrote a lot last time.

this time i'll be minimal. cause i've gotta have balance like that. high-entropy in a control volume is still mad disorder, with some order.

note: *this is a non-girl oriented entry

Tuesday, March 5, 2002

the mainstream is polluted

so I’ve been thinking about girls lots on my blog. Why’s that? Well let’s see… cause the mainstream is polluted.

All the new mtv songs, most movies, all daytime tv (including the talk shows), all those damn forwarded emails… those are the mainstream and they’re all polluted with one main theme. Relationships.

Once the mainstream gets a hold of this concept and constantly resells it to the masses… everything that’s interesting is interesting because the mainstream said it was.

How many times have you walked in on a girl girl conversation and they both just stop talking and look at you with that “I didn’t eat the last cookie” face? All the time… why, cause they were talking about boys, and didn’t want you to hear.

What about all the gossip… how juicy is it to hear who slept with who’s boyfriend, or who has the hots for who...

Now let’s use the old technique of creating a parallel to this world, one which seems very silly, and then bounce one off the other and see what we get:

Let’s say that the mainstream desides that it wants to change it’s subject of regurgitation from relationships and significant others to schoolwork. -> coulda picked a better example, but we’ll see what happens here….

So. We come home from school in our car, listening to songs about school, done by 4.0 students, to come home finding each our roomates quietly and intensly studying. There are tv shows on people who take 30 units a quarter and still manage a 3.7gpa. I surf the internet and download practice quizzes from other university classes and take them at my lesure to kill some time. Some guy gets a 50% on a final and it’s all over school, everyone knows, they’re all wispering about it and giggling.

Parents repremand kids for studying too much and ask why you don’t work on relationships more often. “why don’t you have your girlfriend sleep over more often?!? Instead of going out with those damn friends of yours to the library every weekend”

Switching school and relationships is such a weird concept, and that in itself is a weird concept. If It’s so hard for me to imagine relationships as NOT the number one priority amongst the average human being, then that means that the world will probably not change anytime soon.

Personally I feel that I’ve created such a bubble to live in, I block out what I don’t want to see and take in all of what I’d like to, I’ve sudo-managed to create my own mainstream. In this case defining mainstream as: “the masses that one follows” around me it feels sometimes as though everyone listens to house music. Or at times it feels like everyone’s been in spop. Or that everyone is an engineer. There are many times though, where this is not true at all… and I feel like the outcast that the global mainstream looks down upon.

Typical question: hey ameer what music do you listen to?

Typical answer: I like house music. And japanese music.

Typical look: (what the hell did he just say, he didn’t say hip-hop and r&b what’s wrong with him?!) *head nod with nothing to say*

Now, *back to the mainstream is polluted theme* I have made it so that my mainstream doesn’t weigh the relationship so heavy. Where it’s something that comes second to that which is important. Ultimately I am happy without a relationship… not that I suppose it’s better because I have replaced that mainstream ultimate goal of having a significant other and achieving bliss with many ultimate goals in order to achieve bliss, ex learning to mix, learning computers, learning to skateboard, producing good music, inspiring people, moving to san francisco, making interesting/exciting/weird friends…

Currently I feel that if I accomplish a list like this I’ll have brought more satisfaction to my life than any significant other. *it’s hard to imagine the most beautiful girl completely adoring me* but it’s not hard to imagine having the talents and doing the things that I listed above. Maybe that’s why i weigh the list over the pretty face.

Idealy I could find a girl who is that list, then have her completely adore and fall in love with me. I’d show everyone.

But realistically… who are we kidding.

In engineering classes we learn that if the maximum weight that something has to carry is 100 lbs. we multiply it by the factor of safety ( a number between 2 and 5) and make it to those specs. Why? Cause shit happens. And It’s best if you’re prepared for it.

Where am I going? -> I want to check everything off on that list. But I know I’ll only get half of it done, if that. Or get all of it checked off but all of it will be not to the degree which I desire.

Beware, the mainstream is polluted and it’d out to get you

Monday, March 4, 2002

i just read adam's web site and now i want to sum up the last year in 20 or less words.

here goes, 2001:

ok, i put in some phrases too...

1 unmotivated

2 hi-bye friends

3 computers

4 music

5 lonely

5 frivolous

6 cold mornings

7 loong days

8 freshmen

9 reflection

10 regret

11 pitiful

12 searching

13 dependant

14 ostracized

15 giddy

16 restless

17 scared

18 hiding

19 messy

20 normal

yea- i think i was a bit disappointed this past year. simply cause this coming year has been better already. i had about 4 really good months last year, out of 12, that's not impressive. but i'm never impressive with numbers.

nothing comes to my mind when i look at this web page these days. specially cause i look at my friend's pages and they're so neat and personalized... then there's mine which is all generic, colorchanging (whoopie)

i'm the only one who can change my web site. i do change it almost everyday, but putting more words on it... but more needs to change! more needs to be accomplished and more needs to be learned

i'd love to have someone sit down and give me a half-day crash course in how to do basic html. but shit like that isn't going to happen.

i wanted to learn how to put a computer together. it took me 6 months to get it to work, and now that it does, i'm happier than a clam, but i had to reasearch, learn, ask specific questions... it was painful, almost like a 4 unit class.

i didn't want someone to do it for me, cause then i'd not know it. and would still have to rely on them if i wanted any change.

so now i've got to have the same initiative with my web site. someday will be more than two .gif's i'm the one who's got to be motivated, but it's hard to do so.

*10 mins later*

school's the same exact thing, with one large difference: no desire.

i WANT to learn html, i desire that knowledge and admire those who have it.

school, well school i don't desire. never have. didn't see the point.

i have learned how to solve a non linear, non homogenious, complex root, 5th order differential equation. but i'll prolly never ever see one again. whereas there's kids learning how to write, and other kids learning how to compose programs, and then other kids learning to do things that are cutting edge. things that are new and that people are talking about...

i'm learning shit that people though was old in the 1800's

yet people tell me that i'll get a job cause i'm an engineer. it's like being with a girl you don't like, but you can't break up with... that's the pits
i feel like writing.

me feeling like writing is like when you go to a concert and see your fav band play... you want to go home and play like they do! although when you DO go home and try, your attept is shitty and being discourage causes you to quit and focus attention onto other things ie sex, beer, tv... (is there anything else?)

no really, but you know what i mean.

i feel my writing isn't what it could be, i try to only guage things with respect to my goals, and my potentials. which i feel haven't been reached... i don't think they ever will be reached though, cause as my goals always change with respect to my potential, which grows as time increases... it's like an inevitable loss for me.. but what i'm ultimatly hoping is that somehow by persuing this plan i'll eventually end up a good writer, with repsect to everyone else this time though...

seems pretty silly. i don't take writing classes. i don't enjoy reading books.

how do i suppose i'll get any better, what runner gets faster mile times by never running? will i keep on this track of only writing occasional emails, blog entries, and aim sentence fragments and aspire to become a decent writer? maybe i should re-think my gameplan?

besides that? do you guys who read/write blogs think about what you're going to write when you're sitting idle or doing something that requires as much thinking as walking or driving? i do.

i think my theme for this blog is to understand what it is i don't know. "you always have to know what you don't know" -my dad

like whenever i have a question, or an idea that i don't quite understand, i post it here and try to answer it. that's why i guess the title here is 'am i wrong? (to hunger)' cause i am hungry! ~> for information

even stranger, on kim’s web site, my link says ameer:wonder which I asked her about and she said that she made a mistake cause she accidentally checked it out and thought hunger was wonder.. or something like that… but it makes sense, that’s the strance co-insidence

Sunday, March 3, 2002

and i'm here...

it's sat nite, i'm in my room. by myself...

so i'm not some big pimp daddy like you all thought... you can all snicker at me in discust now, i don't care.

that's the point, i don't care.

i think it's the time of the quarter, around 8-9th week i get completely burnt out. i have so much fun and work piled up. i end up not caring about either of them...

i don't even care about my blog... i've read everyone's updated blogs in order to be inspired and write my own, but i still don't have much motivation...

and then my friend christine told me some sad news... just brought my already sad self to a sadder state.

so in talking to her i gave her my life's philosophys

1.) hope for the best, expect the worst

2.) i'll cross that bridge when i get to it

3.) you can't catch a fish if your hooks not in the water

simple, primitive, cut and dry...

that's the only way i can understand things though. school's taught me to simplify all my answers or i'll lose points.. which is reasonable cause who'd know that .5625 is only 9/16ths...

simplicity is most often the more complex way of thinking

Friday, March 1, 2002

just learned something pretty interesting:

if you have like oh lets say your next blog almost ready to post and you hit the escape button.. it erases all the text in the window where you type. i just learned that the not so easy way...

it was a good post too, i'll try again tomorrow