Wednesday, December 10, 2003

i have a disease

i wrote of this before, i mentioned it. but it's plauging me now. the grass is always greener on the other side, man i live that shit so much.

my job. i love it, i hate it. i want to be like those other kids i went to school with that go to work at 9am and live in LA and party and play and get paid to write emails and talk to people about stuff that has no right or wrong answer, just will work or will work better. i want to have young attractive 23 year old girls as co workers that bore me with their petty life problems of boys, back stabbing girl friends, and macy card debt. but then i love working with superalloys and 8000 ton presses with furnaces as big as a two car garage that heat up to 2100 degrees F.

i want a girlfriend, a serious one. one that i can call anytime of the day everyday and won't feel akward that i'm calling her cause it's normal for me to do so like that. everytime i buy tickets to some event i always account for her cause she's going to come with me no matter... on random occasions she'd show up with a nice present or something small just to say she loved me more than anyone else, i'd do the same. i'd worry about the perfect gift for her christmas present and how i'd present it to her, and she'd do the same for me, then we'd snuggle by a warm fire with hot cocoa and snow falling outside thru the foggy window. we all long for this. we all want this, i want this just as bad if not more than any other single lonely mid 20 year old person. and as soon as i'd realize what i had, i'd immediately yearn for the single life. how grand it was to not worry about someone else's feelings when going out to dinner with a semi-attractive friend of the opposite sex. i'd complain about seeing the same face day in and day out, and when she called for the 5th time that same day i'd not pick up my phone just cause i was busy playing ping pong and smoking a cigarette with a friend in the garage. the simple idea of being able to have sex with two different girls in two different days would be enough to drive her away like a victim of the ibola virus. i need freedom.

i want to live in the city. in a big city. where the intresting restraunts and clubs and people are found. i want to have a small wood floor appt above a bakery or a liquor store that i can complain about the parking and the crummy stairwell that leads to my over priced under square-footaged leaky faucet appt that has 4 locks on the front door and a doorbell that doesn't work. and after 4 months i'll hate it. and want to move into the house i'm at right now, 10 mins from the beach, a garage for all my extra "i can't throw it away" valubles, and the warm comfort of a front and back yard with a patio and the option to invite 150 of my closest friends and tap the keg and empty out the jungle juice in under 4 hrs.

i want to live in la county, where you see stars, "everything is happeing" and the girls are the hottest in the united states. when i travel to different place i'll say "i'm from LA" and they'll look at me like i'm some higher form of life that can survive with super movie stars as well as lethal gang bangers all in a 30 mile radius. and as i live there i dream of living in the ever so relaxing and comfortable san diego. where my family will take care of me, my friends are more genuine than a pair of levis, and i don't get lost on my way home from someone's house that i've been to 2 times before.

i HATE it. i tell my self daily that i can't have it all, i have to choose, and normally choose with a very level headed decision. therefore the life that i live and the things that i do are the greenest of the grass. it never feels that way. it never appears that way when you look at your own grass tho. it's brown, dead, there's patches of dirt and pebbles. not to mention the weeds are taking over that one corner by the planter that has nothing growing in it.

just tell yourself that you're happy with what you got.. i do that, i tell myself stuff every day. and i wish i was one of those people who didn't tell themselves anything any day.


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