turn ons



I was in MAE 151 (Mechanical Engineering Design) on 11/7/02 and decided to write a list of turn ons:



[the image file is rather large, sorry but i decided that a scan in would be cooler than if i typed it out....]

in between the lines



i read the lines. in between the lines are spaces. FUCK the spaces, some people do without them, other people write their whole story there. personally i'm against that. reading in between the lines is guessing. no matter when or where, when you try to guess something, you'll get the outcome which YOU would most likely see... although, the actual outcome is determined by someone else guessing, which in turn is more than not different than your estimated outcome.



what does it all mean? forcing people to read inbetween your lines is bullshit. it's one of my damn pet peeves when someone for example is asked to the movies, and they say no i can't. i have to bla bla bla... and then the asker asks again and pleads, and blatantly says the entire eve will suck if you don't join me.. and then with a smile the askee complies and there they are, going to the movies.



when i say i don't want to go, it's because i DON'T want to go. if i feel like a maybe, i'll say maybe. if i feel yes, damn it i'll say yes... playing games, forcing others to read inbetween the lines, to read my mind through my deceptive actions and words is childish.



another thing that is my pet peeve is people who attempt to put themselves through misery to make another person "happy" that's a crock of shit. hollywood. one in ten thousand cases it works and that's what makes it such a romantic idea, but when someone says "i just want you to be happy" that's not going to make them happy. that's going to make them miserable, but they'll be miserable with a good reason. i'd much rather get dumped by someone and have that someone date a perfect suiter, than have them dump me for a sleez bag... cause then i can say that i was a good match, but not good enough. in case two my self esteem would be sub sea level since any old mushroom head will do for that person and for some reason i didn't qualify as scum bag enough, what's wrong with me??



i can't clearly state it altough the idea is clear in my mind.



maybe if i put spaces



inbetween my words



someone can see what it is i'm really trying to say



read my mind



and my words



know what i'm attempting to say



and respond in exactly the way i desire.

those people



there's always those people... the ones who make your day just worth-while, when you unexpectadly see them you're excited, with hopes that you guys will hang out more often, get to know each other, become friends... they recipricate those feelings... fake plans (plans that are made and then forgotten, blown off, or flaked out on at the last minute) are made, or better yet plans to make plans are made... which is such a blatant yet always ignored sign that this person and you are and will always be but an acquaintance.



it's sad to think about, but it's true. once you come to reality about this, the less you will worry, and the more you will realize the people who are sincere about the plans that they make with you. those are friends. everyone has them... and everyone wishes that their collection is bigger than it really is.



excuse my grey outlook on the world but it's how i feel at this moment... i seem to pour all my sad and unhappy feelings into this site for some reason, it's my outlet for shitty feelings, so that when i see people's faces, i have dumped these out and i've only the happy fun feelings left over. it's like panning for gold, if anyone still does that around here.





***here's something for you math majors or (math haters) to figure out.. but don't spoil everyone's fun:











enjoy!!

it's not my fault!!



somehow my blog community has fallen right in front of my face....



everyone who's writing inspires me has stopped writing, or just decided to update monthly all of a sudden. those who i'd read on a daily basis have also stopped or shown signs of just giving up...

there's always more to write. there's always something to be said. i've lost both of those though!! why? usually every three to four days while doing my daily chores of school, work, drinking, and sleeping i stumble upon a profound (what i believe is profound) idea that is worth writing about, and do so. the problem is that since 12days ago, i haven't had that profound thought... or maybe i have but i'm trying too hard.



i did watch that movie van wilder and there was a guy in that movie that sorta reminded me of an old friend. one who i don't really care for anymore, and i'm sure that he talks mad shit about me... and after that i wondered how it's strange that you can be friends with someone and then later on not be friends anymore. nothing ground shattering, just a bit of realization.



but in case you're wondering, i don't use spell check when i post to this web site for one simple reason. i don't know how to spell. and when someone does a search for something and the misspell that word just as i have, we have a commonality. and my site will pop up there since that word is found on my site and not on any others because people (should) post things that are spelled correctly. but we have a bond, i don't want to break that.



since this post licks big donkey balls i think i'll post a funny picture i took with my friends when we were on lincoln ave up in venice, CA....

this is like the opitomy of a homocide hotel:









just for kicks.

nothing to lose



going into most situations i look at what it is i have to gain first of all... then secondly what it is that i have to lose. if i ration that i have nothing to lose then i'll usually go ahead with the contemplated situaition... but if what i'll most likely gain from a situation is not worth what it is that i'll lose, then that is a sign for me to look elsewhere for what i was initially looking for.



fun entertaining example:



$20.00 bill.



so i'm walking down the parking lot to my car, on my way to somewhere when i look at the groud and i see a nice shiny twenty dollar bill looking at me saying hey can you be my new owner. head turn in both directions to see if there's a potential owner who has just recently left the scene.. none. i'm 20 dollars richer!! (richer implies that i was previously rich and am now richer, 20 dollars richer implies that 20 dollars is a large percent of my total bank account and implies the truth... i'm broke!) so i'm happy to have this new found andrew jackson picture



putting it into my pocket i ponder all the things i wish that i could have bought and the things that i wish i had enough money for, then i start to feel a concience and think about what bill this could pay for or what level my gas gauge is at in my thirsty car. either way, however i spend this money it doesn't matter... this money i could literally tear up and burn and i'd not know the losses since i didn't have to work for this and it really doesn't belong to me....



or does it?

now that i've come to this 20 dollar bill... i've added it to my own collection of money. it's a part just like my last paychecks and the change in my car cup holder. if i were to somehow lose this 20 like the previous owner did.... or worse yet bump into the previous and rightful owner and be forced to give it back, i'd feel the loss of this 20 dollars just as difficult as if it were my own hard earned 20 dollar bill. course i'd keep on telling myself that this was something that came to me for free and that i shouldn't even care cause i didn't have to do anything and it was there... but i'd still have that same feeling that it was $20.00 and it WAS mine and now it's NOT. a difficult concept to deal with, how long must you posess a 20 dollar bill in order to take it in as your own. if i were to immediately destroy it when it came to me would i feel less mourn if it were to sit in my wallet for three weeks and then after carrying it with me everywhere i go, realize that i was just as careless as the last person who had their hands on this bill.



there is something to lose. there is a reason to avoid finding that 20 dollars. but then again, that free tank of gas feels so much better than any other tank of gas, and deserves to be driven on an adventure, celebrated with those who will appreciate the value of a free tank of gas.



just because the 20 dollars didn't come to me conventionally like all other 20 dollar bills do doesn't mean i should treat it differently. after all it's 20 dollars!!!

intresting



attention. intrest. questions. ideas.



i love to meet people who are intresting. such an over-used word, intresting. People watching is something i do quite a bit. while at school, the people i pass by and see, while at work, while sitting at starbucks with my laptop updating my blog, i people watch and i go throught the process set up at the top.

there are some people who just get my attention...

so i develop an intrest in them...

which leads to questions

and then i try to answer those questions, and formulate ideas.



take for example the two girls in the soft chairs they're kinda cute, nothing fancy... two words describe them that turn me off though, abercrombie and fitch.

then there's the couple sitting to my right, cute girl but doesn't even hit the intrest part of the 4 step process, her boy, doesn't even get past step one.



the bigger guy with the sudo dreadlocks reading the cupon section of today's newspaper sure draws my attention, he's got an intelectual look under his grunge which i don't feel most people see. see, he's made it to the end, i've already got ideas about him.



the old man who couldn't walk slower if he tried, while carrying 3 identical paper bags sits at a booth reading the newspaper literally 5 inches from his face. the old nike air parka and his absence of a female imply that he's poor, the fact that he's been sleeping/reading for about an hour here without purchasing a coffee imply the same. but shit, i know for a fact that if i was 70+ years old and alone i'd go into a starbucks on a sunday night dressed like shit and read the paper by myself because at that age there's nothing to prove to anyone anymore. guess i look up to him... well my idea of him.



finally there's the really cute girl behind me. i've been thinking all this time how i'd describe her here. she has a cute look to her, but more than that i have no problem hearing her say or seeing her do extremely cute words and actions without even knowing that they are cute. (and yes i'm very partial to cute vs. other attractive charachteristics) snuggled in the comfy chair behind me... it's hard to get a good long look of her but i've managed a few times, certainly not enough tho, but can you ever sneek a peek enough? there's something about her, i can't put my finger on it but i've got an attraction to her in some way. is it the way she's presented herself? is it her body language? or is it the fact that i can fantasize about knowing her and spending time with someone who to me seems so intresting... the more i look at her the more ideas i get about her... and the more i like her. life is really random, here i am writing about Burn-In testing for my Unysis presentation and instead i'm spending time writing in my blog and checking out this girl who is sitting behind me. do i have a future with this girl? will i see her after today? i can't answer that... what is she thinking? is she as intrested in the old man who's reading the paper, or the fat kid next to him wearing his sunglasses. maybe, i've got her attention, or intrest, or she's got questions about me, better yet, ideas!



on a limb, i could fantasize that maybe somehow someway she'd accidentally surf onto my website, read my blog, look at my picture (prolly the fishing one!!! glory!) and recognize me as the intresting guy, with a yellow sanrio pencil case, typing intensely on my laptop at that one starbucks on that one night... and i'd float around in her mind just as she's floating around in mine.



some things would just be nice. but that's just an idea.

real quick






some guys do it for the house...




















others only see the glory...

changes



with time always ticking, it is inevitable that things will and do change. for example, me. and my life. these are two things which in fact have changed daily and will continue to do so daily. some days it seems as if nothing changes. there are those other days that are eye openers and change life as we know it. examples of these i can not think of off the top of my head, which by the way is the underlying theme and reason for the existence of this website. the top of my head. no not my hair, but ideas. things that fly in on a gust of wind and then vanish just as fast. one day i decided to catch those ideas and document them... what a weird concept.



so changes happen, great, whoop. that's my grand topic for the moment? no. the results of change, the aftermath. sequel. step 2. next in line. what happens next.



the past few weeks, i have endured quite many changes. from living arrangements, to daily schedule, even the city has changed which i live in.



quite a bit of change for me i'd say. but that is all environmental. what results do such changes bring to one's behavior? sure i eat different foods at different times and sleep at different times but we're trying to dig deeper than that. do i think differently too? am i excited about different things now? is there certian people who i act differently towards. more interestingly enough, do other people reacting to changes in their lives act differently towards me?



dramatic changes are hard for people to understand or cope with. people fear change, although they know that it's inevitable. some people believe that they have reached happyness once, and change took it away from them, so their life quest was to find that which made them happy at that one moment in time. they can't accept the fact that change won't bring them back to where they were, it's impossible. things and people around you change even if you don't. so there is no way to go back.



a wise man who shared knowledge with me once said that he never goes back, because you can't. so when i asked "when do we go back to school?" he said "we aren't going back to school, we're going to school." -this was told to me when i was 16years old, and has stuck with me since then. i won't forget it. i can't go back, nobody can... yet we all try to, we all at some point wish to....



that is until change brings us something we weren't expecting. something that helps us remember the bitter taste behind the candy coated memories that we hold on to and strive to once again achieve. when something like this comes along the future is now anticipated instead of the past sought for. hnopes and dreams fill your head and before you know it the past which you so longed for isn't what you want at all. there's more out there to see and do, the tides of change are in your favor and you've got your sail set with a large wind headed your way. from the past, we now look to the future!



and this, my friend, is when i recall the 2nd of 3 very important things taught to me by the wise man that i once new....



"if you have one foot in the past, and another foot in the future. all you can do is piss on the present..."



the present, the NOW, carpe diem stuff... how about right now? the day, today. it's so easy to look forward and to look back, but to look ar right now is never easy. right now things aren't what we want. we want what's to be, or what has been. ever hear of the old people who complain about movie prices and how candybars used to cost a nickel...



that's right, so as i read this i question one thing to myself. what was the third thing that the wise man said to me?



"Ameer, don't leave any of them out. date them all: big girls, little girls, fat girls, skinny girls, black girls, white girls, all girls. then you know which ones you like."

two weeks in



last night i stopped a candle burning by putting my hand over the opening of the candle holder till the candle suffocated and died. it was a valiant display of masculinity...

what were we doing? it was 4am, and we were playing cards.



with that manly piece of information i'd like to share a metaphore that's been on my mind lately. sparked from the words of my friend "you're not looking for a girlfriend now are you?"



i took that question in and thought about it real hard. not about if i'm looking for a girlfriend now or not, the answer to that is easy, but to why he asked that question? he must see the world much different than i, or maybe he sees me much different than i. we both have different perspectives on both objects.



first i answered the question as such:

i always carry by bow and quiver of arrows, just in case...ya never know when the perfect doe willl pop out of nowhere, but then sometimes i just shoot bunnies and rabbits for fun. just for the sport!



this one gave a chuckle to the fellas and we were on our merry way to drinking, smoking, gabmbling... er more like playing guitar, chess, and cards all on our eventful saturday night.



but this metaphore doesn't fit the bill. it's missing something, it's actually backwards. i'm depicted as the hunter in this fantasy world where in fact i'm not the hunter, i'm more of a guardian. everybody has a large field, which represents their self. some people have a plush, diverse, intresting field, seen by everybody and very straight forward. other's have large walls around their field with guards and rifles. everyone has a dark place in their field where they keep the things that are precious to them. mainly what is referred to as the heart.



most people guard their heart, hide it away and make a fake one for people to come by and check out, and even stomp on when they desire. but then there's the real heart. the one that only a few are allowed into, and moreso than none noboyd leaves, even if that is what is desired.



i guard my heart. there have been a few sly folk who managed to trick me into showing them the real one, and then the decided to step on it...

but with every occurance like that, there are more than enough people who feel as if the almost don't deserve to see the real one and be a part of the sacred area of the field.



who will pass by my field today? i don't know. nobody does.

who will i let into my field today? anyone can come into my field, but i'll show them the decoy heart... only until you prove that you aren't planning to destroy my field, can i show you the real heart.

finally situated



moving is the biggest hassle.



parting with your junk makes you remember good/bad times.



living on the third floor can suck when you don't have an elevator.



classes don't get eaiser as you take them, they get slower. time actually stops during some classes.



life without a computer connected to the internet is almost just not worth it... until the second day



seems like the world of books is also backwards. the get more expencive as time goes on, yet somehow their resale decreases as time goes on. well i guess that sums up my past week of moving in



As i'm sitting in class... i'm thinking something (other than the class material) and it hits me. there are two types of mentalitys. the first mentality is to take everything that one has experienced, and everything that one knows, and choose from those previous memories, which times brings them the most happyness.

on the same level as favorite food. if you ask me what my favorite food is i'll tell you that it was something i've previously eaten. how could something like fried snails, be my favorte food? if i've never eaten them? the only way i could say that they were my favorite food is if i had tried them. now then. i've listened to people talk about intellectual people. how they're so smart that they won't be able to be happy. because they somehow know what fried snails tastes like without even eating them... they've deduced using equations and relations that fried snails will be the best meal ever, and now thye're on a trek to get some fried snails. this is the second mentality. those who see what could possibly be, instead of resorting to past experience, they look to the "perfect" solution.

similar to a teenager. why are teens such pains in the neck? simple, they have this second mentality, which ultimately leads to unhappyness. for example: sally is our teenager. she just spent $200 on new clothes. she sees that her friend martha just got a new car, and wonders geez, why don't my parents get me a new car too! then she looks on to her friend debbie, who's parents just paid for her new snowboard. and sally thinks to herself if she gets a new snowboard, i want a new snowboard... her parents got her one, why can't i have one? all the while, martha is wanting $200 in clothes and a snowboard, and debbie complains to daddy about getting a new car and $200 worth of clothes.

teenagers see what it is that others have, and automatically think to themselves that they should also have that same thing. regardless one can't satisfy a teenager, and so instead of trying to make the teenager happy, we just let them grow out of their stage, and realize how the world works.

these intellectual people now, the ones who see everything that they want and know what it is that will bring them happyness... yet what it is takes so long and so much work to get, that they'll basically find happyness and then die...

i pose a questions to the "intelectual" individual, is it worth it to put yourself thru the torment and unhappyness, to prove that you're simply an old teenager who thinks that fried snails is their favorite dish, without ever tasting them?