Sunday, January 4, 2004

unorganized confusion

life lately has been a bit different. in march 2003 i landed a job. a steady income, a steady agenda, a steady pace of life. i was steady. had a girl. had a job. mom and dad had smiles that wouldn't wipe away. not everything was 100% stable. i needed a place to live. and i needed to adjust to waking up early, but in time those came and those were no surprise.

since then all has changed. as life does. and i've realized that i like change, i welcome it. encourage even.

some change hurts. some change is exciting. or scary. fun even.

lost the girl. moved around. discovered weeknights. and now i'm just all over the place. i feel like i party harder now than in college. since dec 23 i have slept in my bed once. and today is jan 3. and tonight i'm still not home. it's great. like i'm a traveling tourist, i just follow the fun and keep my car packed with clothes. i feel young. ready for some action at any time. settling and being routing scared me, yet i accepted it. and luckily that changed. so luckily.

every moment i find myself re-evaluating my life. "give me three minutes to contemplate my life" was so more true than i thought it would be when i said it to gene one sunday afternoon.

i'd say 'i need to just have fun. i need to enjoy myself and do new and intresting stuff.' but that's not 100% appealing. i don't need more fun. what i need is happy. and to have happy you gotta know what you want. and all i know is that i don't know anything of what it is that i want. like choosing a tatoo. how do you? it's a decision that will stay with you forever. you'll have to like it forever. it'll have to make you happy forever.... yet how do you know? down the road it may discust you like a bad ex-girlfriend. nothing is permanent. not even memories.

change i like. decisions i hate.

on a tangent. what's worse? lonelyness or heartache. and don't give me the cliche "better to have loved and lost.... " i've chosen both with no definite answer. nancy says lonely.


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