Sunday, January 11, 2004

uhh excuse me... bartender!

i went to a bar last night. actually 5 bars. we hopped around a bit. but we didn't do the hopping, we walked. there's something very deterring about places with cover. there's something about bar tenders. and there's something about tips. i realized something about each of these last night.

places with covers suck. it's a commitment. it's the venue's way of saying "honey i'm pregnant, so we have to get married now" it's very difficult to justify leaving a place that you paid $5.00-$20.00 just to get into. and it's not like they give you free drinks or introduce you to their finest women. you're not even guaranteed to hear some good music. in fact you'll have to sit behind a wall of tall, horny, lonely, guys all wearing their nice boxers and jackets with their "i'm going out" hair style in order to get a drink. the way to beat this system is to go in with confidence. someone told me confidence is 50% of everything. if you have confidence then you're already half way there. last night ryan had confidence. he knew a friend, had the friend put us on the list, and so when we showed up we said "ya, we're on the list" -thing is, the friend was talking about a different bar!! so what happeded may you ask? oh they let us in. ryan got 7 of us to skip the $10.00 cover and all he said was "i'm on the list" did they have a list? no. (physically, to check if he was really on it) they just needed to hear our confident buddy ryan say the magic words "open sesame" and viola it worked. that's what i think about cover charges. "that baby's not mine bitch, i'm on the list!!"

bartenders. they're asses. they're harder to win over that the hot chick at the club who's dancing with everyone freely yet everyone still wants her for himself. yea that girl. tenders are more difficult. you'll sit there giving the eye, sending out the ' i want a drink and i have a twenty in my hand ' vibe. -you can at lest get the girl's attention, a glance, some eye contact, even a smile. but to get the bartender's it's just not that easy.

now what really irks me is tips. tips?! for what? i mean you tip the waitress who takes drink orders, brings you drinks, then food, then refills your drinks, then takes your plates away, refills your coffee, lists of every special they have from memory. everything. they're waiting on you! tip them.. sure. 15% not bad. for a 10.00 meal you end up shelling out a buck fifty. that's change. at minimum wage you earn that much money in 15 mins!!! additionally you only eat one meal upon visiting the restraunt. then there's the bell hop. he gets paid shit and he carries your luggage, which isn't light and sucks for you since you lugged it everywhere up until that point of destination. plus it's humiliating, they're usually in a monkey suit and will never get chicks on the job. so give them a dollar for their efforts. then there's valet, they just go park your car, then pick it up when you're done doing what you were doing... but they run! and anyone who runs for me can get a dollar. hell i'd pay a friend a dollar to sprint 100 yards and then come back simply for the meager entertainment i'd bring me. and the thing is. they only get your car once.

now those fucking bartenders. greedy bastards. how they comprised this system of constant tipping upon the purchase of every drink amazes me. according to daves we had about 8 drinks. so if my math serves me right that's 8 dollars of tips. 8 dollars each person!!!! most of the time they're simply opening a beer, or pouring a shot of tequila! i can do that. i have done that, and nobody pointed out my special tippable talent. i didn't have $1.00 bills laying on the table after pouring some friends very tall shots of their favorite drink, or opening their corona.... and, considering each drink gets a dollar tip. that's the equivalent to a $53.33 dollar meal. breaking it down even more, nobody eats by themselves, so consider 4 people eating out. that's a $213.32 bill. everyone will throw in 8 dollars for tip after some of that. but going to a bar isn't the equivalent of going to mortons for steak and wine. we're talking a crappy bar, with crappy service, crappy dj's, and crappy girls... it's hard to get drinks! so what does one do to remedy this problem? tip more of course. last night instead of buying 8 drinks and tipping 8 dollars, we ended up putting $20.00 just in tips. $20.00 in tips! ok. so let me count this, $5.00-20.00 to get in to the bar, and then another $20.00 to get your drinks in a timely fasion (if you don't tip over the normal you will never get your drinks and when you do they'll pour it as if the stuff is liquid gold) so it's very probable to spend $40.00 just for the opportunity to obtain alcohaul. at minimum wage that's over 5 1/2 hours of work!!!!! what's amazing is that places like this are packed, everyone's there and everyone pays. yet nobody will just go out and purchase a $40.00 bottle of alcohaul cause it's too expencive!!!

let's not start on the etiquette for buying girls drinks. i may just start a riot at this terminal. and jon wouldn't be so happy considering it belongs to him.


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