Sunday, December 2, 2001

my quick day: studied, came home, read kim's blog then did the colorgenics profile which told me what my problems were and how to solve them....

It is strange that the anxiety that you are experiencing at this time is of your own makings simply because of your desire to be respected by your fellow man and with those whom you work with. You are not satisfied. The normal congenial "you" is becoming quite introverted. This is becoming increasingly more obvious because you seem to shy away from participating in everyday activities ... You are refusing to allow yourself to become involved, or to participate with others and it is the reluctance to communicate that is the inherent cause of your problems.

that's what they're telling me, i'm anti-social, and i'm missing out on lots of fun cause of it...

i beg to differ, my quest for insanity is ongoing... just being anti-social isn't enough to achieve a mental breakdown... SOOO to help out i frantically purchase computer accessories that i'm set on making my life a better one... yet hands down, everytime, i pull hair by the hand-full to get them working. then once i've done that, something else goes wrong...

so beat and i went to the pomona computer show "computer swapmeet" and well i spent about $80 on three goodies! a usb hub, cause well you always need more right? a UPS (uninterupted power supply)<- it's pretty, and matches my case, it's black! which i got for 36.00, then saw at fry's for 119.00, and a webcam! whoo hoo! how cool is that three fun things!!!

until i came home and set them up...

ups, fine, great, stable, even looks cool... it could get chicks!

usb hub, HA, it even has 2 LED's -> and i LOVE LED's!!!

BUT the webcam, oh i had to get a webcam.... now for some goddamn reason my TVtuner won't open, says that the driver's being used by something else... what a piece... that's well almost kinda expected....

BUT now my burner isn't recognized... wtf? where does that come from? who does this? do normal people experience this?

at times like this i don't know whether to cry or laugh, both, neither, walk away, ask someone, or just simplify... but these days i've been very focused on 2 things, the first thing is obviously my computer, secondly i've been focusing on me.... i'm lonely, i'm content, i'm overwhelmed, i'm not sure. the only thing that really keeps my attention are girls and learning about my computer. i'm honestly really bad at both though. it's not the girls OR my computer though, it's ME! i could call more girls, but i'm very hesitant to call people... daily i pick up my phone and scroll down the names, i'll see one of someone that i'd like to call, but then think of every reason to not call them... then go on like that till the list's end... it'd be so easy to just push talk and say "hey what's up, what are you up to?" am i really THAT afraid of them saying "i'm busy, can i call you back?" this is ME here... i have faced rejection time and time again... what's wrong with this micro-rejection? it's so small, but i look at it thru a microscope and it appears pretty big, i'm an idiot.

besides that... i've figured out that i'm in love with Lain... she's a highschool student, who ends up being the one chosen to bring the wired world and the real world together, once she does this, she decides that it's wrong and then erases herself from history. i think she's a lesbian though, cause she is in love with Arisu, who's pretty hot too.

if you haven't figured out, lain's a cartoon. i feel like her lots of the time though. she's a bit of a social outkast, she likes being by herself, but she likes her friends too. she's not hip, and she's not understood, thus disregarded. i think her and i would have fun if we kicked it... well if i was a bit younger... and yea she'd not be a 12 episode cartoon.

ok so my conclusion is that life isn't at what i expect, so i focus on my computer to keep my mind off of it... and well that turns out making things worse. it's an open loop system (for those of you who've taken a control's class) and those suck!!

this is getting long.. but shit. i'm not writing for anyone but me, sometimes i don't want to write stuff here cause i am not sure what people will think of it, and then it'll be weird when they seem me... but then i don't know who reads this? virtually anyone in the world could, but then those chain letters say that only 1% of the world owns a computer... HA, if everyone in the world owned one, the frustration level among populations would dramatically increase and result in mad hysteria... oh wait... lain tried that already and she ended up erasing herslef from history, and everyone's mind... so eventually i'd end up doing that i guess... hmph, not worth the trouble.

i'm also starting to like the girl in Angelic Layer her name is Suzuhara Misaki, she's pretty dope too, but she's a freshman in highschool who has a crush on Koutarou...

i usually don't conclude my writings very well... and i figure that the reader should conclude what he/she read, instead of me tellin them what they should think about my writing... but this time i seemed to do just that.. well kinda.. shit. ok that's all. peaceoutlates


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