Friday, July 2, 2010

i'm a self machine

"i saw the mirror staring back at me,
and it told me i'm a self machine"

there's something about this song that i just can't get enough of. i blame coco is apparently sting's 19yo daughter. after la roux got a hold of the original and sprinkled some magic on the track, i've been hopelessly hooked.

i blame coco - self machine (la roux remix) right click to save-as if you want the .mp3

lately i've been feeling a lot like a self machine. i'm not even sure what that means, but it sounds right for the situation. machines don't feel, they just "take in information, process it, and produce an output". having no feelings means no irrational fears, or apprehension, or anxieties. unfortunately it also means no enjoyment, happiness feelings, or excitement.

for me, self machine actions are faced around dealing with changes. change is definite, but it's not always easy. even if the change is something that you've been wanting, and yearning for, change can be scary. somehow it's in our nature to find comfort in the reliably predictable future, and experience discomfort, anxiety, and fear in the unpredictable and unknown future. i suppose this is why people stay in crappy relationships, jobs, homes, cities, and so on.

in the past i've taken pride in the fact that i face my changes head on, and that i am one who can recognize when it's time to initiate the move from an unsatisfying situation. however, as i reflect back, i haven't quite been that person. i look back and see situations still existing today that require some change. but i've sat on them, and hid in the safety net of being able to predict what would happen next, even if it was a situation i dislik(ed). i am proud as to how far i've come, and what i've accomplished, but i am not content, yet. i want to continue on my path, i want more. which requires change.

i've realized that it's time to make some changes. as tough as making changes can be, and as scary as it can feel, there's no other way to make things better than they are right now. the biggest of these changes is where i spend 80% of my time, home. in one week i'll be moving across town. google maps says i'm moving 4.8 miles, and 18mins away from where i currently am. what's so scary about that?

where i'm moving to there will be far less fog and wind. the walkscore of my residence will jump from 78 to 97! i'll go from living with 2 other people in a three bed two bath apartment to living alone in a one bedroom one bathroom apartment. and my rent will be close to double of what i pay now. i guess you take the good with the bad.

as i move through these changes i find myself making decisions like a machine. decisions where i could weight out just how i feel, and what i think, and toss in how scared i am of the risk that things could turn out in the worst possible scenario imaginable. but instead something takes over me, and i "take in information, process it, and produce an output".

sometimes i snap out of it, and find myself in knee deep in transition. it feels almost as if i've just woken up from a sleepwalk. woah, how did i get here? a second ago i was nowhere near where i am now, but i guess i'm on the path to what i want so i mine as well keep on going.

"I’m not a human if you say I’m not
I’m not a human if my engines lock
And this motor that you call my heart
Is another machine that wont stop"


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