Tuesday, September 21, 2004

so whatcha sayin'?

i can recall many instances when i didn’t know what to say. so i just said something, anything that came to mind. and what comes out is usually not a correct depiction of what i would like to actually say and how i feel. but these words come out either because i’m not 100% focused on what it is that i am doing, or because i don’t feel that i want to give this person 100% of my attention for fear that they in turn will end up partially zoning out on me while i’m full focused and attentive.

so while i’m giving people half assed answers or zoned out advice, up until now i have simply assumed that i’m the only human being on the planet that practices this concept. when in fact i am not, i’m sure i’m not. and now comes the part where i have to comb my memory banks and play detective on what who said when and where from the beginning of ameer time till this moment.

did she mean that? was he just talking isht? why did so-and-so say that?? i can write most of the conversations i’ve had with acquaintances under this category!

with friends it’s different. the people in my family and the friends that i have deserve a second shot. a second shot is when i do one of these zone-outs and catch myself. then i give them a “what was that?” or a “hu? what did i just say? i’m sorry”, and then focus and speak. i do this for them because they deserve my attention. sure it makes me sound like an idiot, but they love me unconditionally so they let it slide, and for all i know, they could be daydreaming while i’m talking anyhow. i didn’t say i demand friends/family to give me 100% attention, i just stated that i give it to them…


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