Thursday, March 27, 2003


anger is a weird feeling that people have. other animals don't have the same feeling, or at least they get angry and then they resolve that anger in one outburst and they're back to being happy-go-lucky.

but we hold gruges, and we sometimes just don't like someone for reasons that we don't really know. we then go in and do what we can to piss off those people because for some reason we feel good to make others feel bad. why does it make us feel so good to make them feel bad. when i am asked "what makes you feel good" i usually think food, friends, etc... i don't think "when someone i don't like get's really pissed off!!"

and those people who make us(me) pissed off... do they do it for the same reason? are they mad at me for something that i don't know?

on the other side of the spectrum there's those people who you just want to do things for and want to make them happy. you'll bend over backwards thru a hoop that's on fire while wearing american flag print spandex just to crack a smile out of them, but those people you hate. you'll stomp every step of the way to making them happy and that's only when they've pushed you so far into a corner that your forehead is beginning to look pointy.

how come?

if i'm aware of this can i manipulate it, and use it to my advantage to manipulate people to accomidate my needs/wants?

understanding who will push me, who will bend for me? who i bend for, and who pushes me? or is it something that's happened for 1000000000's of years regardless if people are aware or not cause it just is a natural occurence no matter what you understand and what know previous to the instance.


besides that, i've been doing work, every day. haven't worked an 8 hr day yet. it's always 9, 10, 11 hrs. (for example right now i'm at about 9:15 being at work) which is ok by me, acutally it's not, i'd rather just put in 8 and go home.

i don't love my job, granted i'm brand new, and i've got to be here for a bit before i really get some responsibilities. but i don't think i'll ever love my job. or a job. work sucks, that's why they pay you to be there.

i'm looking to live somewhere near paramount, no not in compton... i've been advised to not live there for reasons of being to "soft" which i very well am, i NEED to work out, after weighing in at 185.5 this morning (i was 181.5) monday morning i realized that gaining and losing weight should be a rapid thing for me, but i have to put in some work for the latter of the two... maybe i'll go home and run this evening? <- a question i often ask, yet never answer.

will today be different? although i'm aware... will it change?

Monday, March 17, 2003

Tomato plants

in order to get tomatoes you need to have what?

a plant. a tomatoe plant at that.

and how does one get a tomatoe plant?

you've got to grow one. and this process reqires dirt, water, sun, fertilizer, a replland that keeps weeds and bugs out, and a little circular fence that it uses to climb up and sit on when it's got fatty ripe tomatoes.

it's a process, one that can be done a number of ways, but there are some basics that can't be avoided. if they are then expecting tomatoes with no bug marks, or green spots, they need to stick to.

life is the same way. there's a process to growing up and becoming a person. and life is your tomatoe... if you don't follow the basics, or include them somehow in your life, you're going to realize that you wish you did cause you CAN'T grow tomatoes without water, or dirt... and then if you want perfect tomatoes you got to conform a bit more to the laws of plant growing.

sometimes your parents grow tomatoes for you, when you should be growing them yourself. they can't pull your weeds all the time. you're going to have to pull your own weeds sometimes.

two weeks ago i realized that i'm on my own. my tomatoes are all on my own now. i'm getting to pull my own weeds... it's a good feeling. independance is so sweet.

Saturday, March 8, 2003

The City of Paramount

i started work at Carlton Forge Works... they make

seamless rolled rings, which look like this when they're making them...

and yes this job is in LA, well not in downtown LA but in the city of paramount

exactly where i work is where it says "village park" on the map.

work is slow as of now, pretty much cause i don't know anything, so i hang out with people and they tell me what they do.

it's strange to see people who have been at the same job, not necesarily doing the same thing but the same company for 5, 8 20, 30 years even... that's twice my existing memory! the same thing, i can't imagine it, i'm sitting at my desk and they're telling me something and i feel as though i'll only be at this place for 2 months, 3 maybe... when it hit me, i may be here for 2 years, maybe 4, even 10 who knows?

kinda scary.

but then at the same time...

a secure feeling

i live with my cousin who's almost 40 and his wife and 6 1/2 year old.

he's my arch enemy...

i miss being in 1st grade.