vacation



it's rather funny how much we need a vacation from vacation. couldn't wait to get back from vacation today. but what do i come back to? chores, bills, frustration, and a mess.



"but i'll be fine tonight,

my good friends are here, with me..."

-taken from: "one eye'd wonder"



there are things that i love, and put so much time and effort and don't forget money into. but the satisfaction i get out of them is so minimal. the frustration i get is so massive, and my end result is virtually nothing. so why do i do what it is that i do?

i don't know, i guess i'll just always be a computer nerd!

one of those



stole this quiz from june found her site randomly while surfing blogger.com's newest updated blogs... my new pastime.



RANDOM STUFF

[ x ] Spell your first name backwards - reema idivan

[ x ] Are you a lesbian - yes. but i'm in the closet

[ x ] Where do you live - in a 1 story 4 bedroom house in pleasant Rancho Bernardo

[ x ] 4 words that sum you up - idiot, one-track, misfit, sudo





DESCRIBE YOUR

[ x ] Wallet - brown leather pullout section of a wallet, very thin, oh and empty

[ x ] Hairbrush - don't own one

[ x ] Toothbrush - hangs from the bathroom mirror on a blue plastic teddy bear that i got in japan at the 100yen store

[ x ] Jewelry worn daily - silver thumb ring, one stud in each tragus, watch-sieko

[ x ] Pillow cover - flowers, blue spop present, more flowers, and flowers

[ x ] Blanket - two are flowers (one looks like the webers bread bag), and one red and black one.

[ x ] Coffee cup - NASA - stole it from work

[ x ] Sunglasses - orange and blue aviator style glasses with black wireframes - also got in japan's 100yen store

[ x ] Underwear - gap boxers - red with dalmations on it

[ x ] Shoes - adidas superstars - all brown

[ x ] Handbag - sorry i don't go there...

[ x ] Favorite top - t-shirt - preferrably from ebay

[ x ] Cologne/Perfume - carne asada

[ x ] CD in stereo right now - san fransisco session vol 2

[ x ] Tattoos - if i ever found a good enough design/work/symbol

[ x ] Piercings - tragus - both (it's that nub right before your ear hole)

[ x ] What you are wearing now - dickies, grey socks, black plastic jacket from wal mart and a grey t-shirt with a blue truck on it... oh and gap boxers

[ x ] Hair - puff

[ x ] Makeup - not these days







WHO or WHAT

[ x ] In my mouth -sesame seeds with dry salmon - hong's mom gave them to me... it's a taiwanese thing i'm guessing... gives pretty bad breath

[ x ] In my head - it's 2am, is it too late to go to the garage and install my new car stereo speakers? tomorrow i will actually upgrade my mother board!!

[ x ] Wishing - currently, for a cigarette and a stiff drink along with someone to share both with.... long term a job in LA and an appt with my best bud jo

[ x ] After this - that stiff drink

[ x ] Talking to - good ol blogger.com

[ x ] Eating - i finished the sesame/salmon things by now

[ x ] Fetishes - sharp teeth and good handwriting

[ x ] If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason - could i trade serious injury to two people for this instead of death on one person?

[ x ] Person you wish you could see right now - that girl from starbucks.. she was cute!

[ x ] Is next to you - a closet, whch by the way has a bottle of jagermeister, stoli- vanilla, parrot bay, jonny walker, triple sec, and an empty bottle of crown

[ x ] Some of your favorite movies - kids, wedding singer, friday,

[ x ] Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month - many computer upgrades, vegas for newyears (flying in), and NOT taking anymore classes, i've got a degree whoopie!

[ x ] The last thing you ate - salmon sesame things, damn i'm getting reemed for eating those aren't i?

[ x ] Something that you are deathly afraid of - my comptuer crashing. being coverd in ants, having a threesome and being able to not get it up.

[ x ] Do you like candles - yes, got one right now... warms my room up! =)

[ x ] Do you like hot wax - eerrr for what?

[ x ] Do you like incense - not that much but i like inces! (inside joke)

[ x ] Do you like the taste of blood - my blood? rare steak? or that korean shit that's all boiled and in that soup... all are ok by me

[ x ] Do you believe in love - yes

[ x ] Do you believe in soul mates - yea, but not to be confused with a lover. sometimes they're not the same

[ x ] Do you believe in love at first sight - with things, people, maybe.... maybe

[ x ] Do you believe in Heaven - not really... not the christian heaven if that's your game.

[ x ] Do you believe in forgiveness - almost too much

[ x ] Do you believe in God - nope

[ x ] What do you want done with your body when you die - i want to be buried in a beautiful place where my grandkids can come and chat with me when they're troubled.

[ x ] Who is your worst enemy - the achademic system, and spelling.

[ x ] If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be - a pet tiger. a BIG ass one... she'd be really friendly too =)

[ x ] What is the latest you've ever stayed up - i did 40 hrs straight on spop 3 green year.. let's see 8am on saturday, went to sleep 12am monday morning

[ x ] Ever been to Belgium - this is random but i'd like to go there and drink beer, word on the street is that theirs is top dog.

[ x ] Can you eat with chopsticks - sure, but can you eat with one chopstick, ah ha!

[ x ] What's your favorite coin - 10 franks coin, it's gold and silver and neato!

[ x ] What are 5 cities you wouldn't mind relocating to - SF, LA, NY, TOKYO, paris

[ x ] What are some of your favorite pig out foods - persian food, japanese food, italian food, korean food (gene's mom's food), hong's mom's food, cheese straight up.

[ x ] What's something that you wish people would understand - physics, just basic mechanics... THAT'S ALL I ASK!!!

[ x ] What's something you wish you could understand better - writing/reading/analyzing

[ x ] Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time - capt. jo

[ x ] What's one thing you want to make happen for tomorrow - put that new MB in my computer, and get things running!

in search



i haven't told anyone, yet i've had the idea in my head for a little bit. but i'm looking for someone. not a certian person, although there are charachteristics which i desire in this person. male or female i have no preference...



what do i want to do with this person? i want to start another blog!



yups, high-entropy will remain the same, it's not going anywhere...

but i need another blogger. but i want one to share, update it daily or every two days or so....yet i need someone else in order to do so. someone who likes to argue a bit, someone who has opinions and thinks about things in their idle time instead of just being another one of those human veggies that take up space and say/do everything that they're told...



so anyhow. if anyone wants to share a blog you know how to find me....

saving



the indians lived peacefully. they didn't understand the concept of ownership.

the europeans lived forcefully. they didn't understand the concept of sharing.



the indians didn't take what they didn't need. if they were hungry, they'd take some food. until they were full. and then stop taking it. it'd be there when they were hungry again.... they lived on the principal that if you don't need it right now then don't take it. and if you do need it right now then take it.



the europeans belived in saving. if you don't have enough money to buy something, save your money until you do. if you are hungry, and there's more food on the table than you need. take some for later, cause you'll get hungry later, and who knows where the food would be when that happens.



now then... applying these ideas to my life. i see that there are certain experiences which i want to experience before i die. but for some reason now isn't the time to do so. and i feel that i'm "saving" them untill i have that opportunity. "i've always dreamed of _____ " i find myself saying, and then saying "but i can't now, cause i have to do _______ instead" but no. i don't have to do ________ instead. i don't HAVE to do anything. i do everything that i wish to do. sometimes because i'm certain that it'll benefit me in the future. actually most of the time. always focusing on the future. but the indians were more focused on the present.



the present can't be pushed aside for focusing on the future.



i've decided that if i find myself saying that i really wanted to do something, then i should find out what it will take in order for me to do it! why wait? will the times really become better to do what it is that i want? will they get worse? who knows. i guess since i live in america, i should pretend that i'm an indian, instead of a european, even though the did conquer the indans... maybe i should look into being forcefull and greedy, strictly for survival?

details



such an old and played out line: "it's the little things that count"



as i observe life, i've realize that there are no little things. little things are big things. things are things, there's no relative size comparison so if it's a thing it's a thing, there's no little no big...



how has this become such a mixup? i'm not sure, i'll take a stab at it though....



details spark trains of thought. we were talking about music, song lyrics. to be more detailed i observed that the song lyrics that jump out at you and grab your attention aren't the generic ones, the ones that are general and use words that can be found in all top 40 of the current top 40 songs (ex of these words::: tonight, your eyes, i miss you, beautiful... there's tons) my point being that these are general, they don't spark emotions because they don't remind you of the little things, or like i'm trying to say, things.



personal experience: so i'm listening to dave matthews's song trippin billies, and there's a line in the song that he says



"remembering once out on the beaches,

we wore pineapple grass bracelets"



this line which is very detailed sparks a train of thought which just allows my mind to wander, i start to think about how they're on vacation somewhere tropical, where pineapples grow, and the beaches are crystal clear, and how they ate a romantic picnic on the sands and looked into eachother's eyes with the same feeling between them. and then i start to wonder what made them decide to make pineapple grass bracelets, and how they must have really liked eachother to make these bracelets for eachother, because personally i wouldn't just make bracelets with anyone, especially out of pineapple grass. it's so detailed that it had to have happened, and you can feel the emotion.



but generic song lyrics, " i just can't wait to hold you tonight" or some jazz like that, there's no feeling in that. dave matthews also can't wait to hold his girl tonight, and he's been thinking about it all the while, running on the beach, making bracelets, during that, the emotion is conveyed but only because we use our train of thought to get there.



the train doesn't go backwards quite as easy. Since the train doesn't go back so easy, that makes for the big things to not be so big. it's a thing. a thing in our mind. i like to play with things. i think about things. cause the little things are the only things, big things are little things too.

blogger



so i've been hella pissed off at blogger.com for a while, because i post stuff and it doesn't get posted!

that's a piece.



so then i reflect back on why things aren't working and viola, there it is, a password was wrong, so i just went in and changed that password...

things work! all except the archives, i'm missing the last two months. which is sad, cause now i feel i've lost the past two months of my life!



the writing juices are back to flowing, so watch out now!

what i do



i waste lots of time on my computer. especially AIM. for example:



Corporate LUIS: like the away message?

high entropy kid: jacked it from ameer

Corporate LUIS: huh? no stpthtgt2's away message

high entropy kid: right

high entropy kid: it's ok

high entropy kid: needs work

Corporate LUIS: eh

high entropy kid: i mean you're competing with capnmike

Corporate LUIS: i don't think i could really do that, i mean how long do you think his list is?

Corporate LUIS: probably not longer than mine, but his are longer.

high entropy kid: true

high entropy kid: true

high entropy kid: he's just got that pazzaz away message going on

Corporate LUIS: yeah, i mean my away messages are really about me being away, his are about the fact that you're reading it.

high entropy kid: well when it comes to away messages, it's a difficult art to master



deep meaningful chats,

i also spend my time wasting in front of kazaa which is also the devil.

i really should be writing poetry, stories, and song lyrics...

i actually did a bit of this for the first time, makes me wonder why i haven't started, so that i'd be so much better now.

being productive is a problem for all mankind, i can't expect to fix it in a night! so i mine as well start with having better away messages....

at least it'll produce conversation?

lawn chairs in the garage

i had airport duty really late one night.  lo and behold the flight was delayed, 3 hrs.  so i decided to go to denny's and finish the song that me and a friend had written.  we came up with the main line "lawn chairs in the garage" a few weeks prior.  here's the original.

i also felt that i needed to write a note to self:

soda



got some time on your hands? check this

frustration



so i tried to get this damn cd changer to work in my car. no matter how small the job, or how simple the task there's always a complication. life, nature, the universe... all three have one thing in common: complications. damn i'm frustrated.



so i'm surfing blogspot.com's recently updated blogs... i hope to be on that site someday, but the links change by the minute! in my searching i've stumbled upon one blog which caught my intrest. it's not wonderful or great. it's really easy reading and after searching hundreds of sites this one sticks out in my mind. maked you realize that anyone can just throw down a poem.



maybe i'll start writing poems, i'd be too afraid to post one here, but maybe i'll start. who knows.

turn ons



I was in MAE 151 (Mechanical Engineering Design) on 11/7/02 and decided to write a list of turn ons:



[the image file is rather large, sorry but i decided that a scan in would be cooler than if i typed it out....]

in between the lines



i read the lines. in between the lines are spaces. FUCK the spaces, some people do without them, other people write their whole story there. personally i'm against that. reading in between the lines is guessing. no matter when or where, when you try to guess something, you'll get the outcome which YOU would most likely see... although, the actual outcome is determined by someone else guessing, which in turn is more than not different than your estimated outcome.



what does it all mean? forcing people to read inbetween your lines is bullshit. it's one of my damn pet peeves when someone for example is asked to the movies, and they say no i can't. i have to bla bla bla... and then the asker asks again and pleads, and blatantly says the entire eve will suck if you don't join me.. and then with a smile the askee complies and there they are, going to the movies.



when i say i don't want to go, it's because i DON'T want to go. if i feel like a maybe, i'll say maybe. if i feel yes, damn it i'll say yes... playing games, forcing others to read inbetween the lines, to read my mind through my deceptive actions and words is childish.



another thing that is my pet peeve is people who attempt to put themselves through misery to make another person "happy" that's a crock of shit. hollywood. one in ten thousand cases it works and that's what makes it such a romantic idea, but when someone says "i just want you to be happy" that's not going to make them happy. that's going to make them miserable, but they'll be miserable with a good reason. i'd much rather get dumped by someone and have that someone date a perfect suiter, than have them dump me for a sleez bag... cause then i can say that i was a good match, but not good enough. in case two my self esteem would be sub sea level since any old mushroom head will do for that person and for some reason i didn't qualify as scum bag enough, what's wrong with me??



i can't clearly state it altough the idea is clear in my mind.



maybe if i put spaces



inbetween my words



someone can see what it is i'm really trying to say



read my mind



and my words



know what i'm attempting to say



and respond in exactly the way i desire.

those people



there's always those people... the ones who make your day just worth-while, when you unexpectadly see them you're excited, with hopes that you guys will hang out more often, get to know each other, become friends... they recipricate those feelings... fake plans (plans that are made and then forgotten, blown off, or flaked out on at the last minute) are made, or better yet plans to make plans are made... which is such a blatant yet always ignored sign that this person and you are and will always be but an acquaintance.



it's sad to think about, but it's true. once you come to reality about this, the less you will worry, and the more you will realize the people who are sincere about the plans that they make with you. those are friends. everyone has them... and everyone wishes that their collection is bigger than it really is.



excuse my grey outlook on the world but it's how i feel at this moment... i seem to pour all my sad and unhappy feelings into this site for some reason, it's my outlet for shitty feelings, so that when i see people's faces, i have dumped these out and i've only the happy fun feelings left over. it's like panning for gold, if anyone still does that around here.





***here's something for you math majors or (math haters) to figure out.. but don't spoil everyone's fun:











enjoy!!

it's not my fault!!



somehow my blog community has fallen right in front of my face....



everyone who's writing inspires me has stopped writing, or just decided to update monthly all of a sudden. those who i'd read on a daily basis have also stopped or shown signs of just giving up...

there's always more to write. there's always something to be said. i've lost both of those though!! why? usually every three to four days while doing my daily chores of school, work, drinking, and sleeping i stumble upon a profound (what i believe is profound) idea that is worth writing about, and do so. the problem is that since 12days ago, i haven't had that profound thought... or maybe i have but i'm trying too hard.



i did watch that movie van wilder and there was a guy in that movie that sorta reminded me of an old friend. one who i don't really care for anymore, and i'm sure that he talks mad shit about me... and after that i wondered how it's strange that you can be friends with someone and then later on not be friends anymore. nothing ground shattering, just a bit of realization.



but in case you're wondering, i don't use spell check when i post to this web site for one simple reason. i don't know how to spell. and when someone does a search for something and the misspell that word just as i have, we have a commonality. and my site will pop up there since that word is found on my site and not on any others because people (should) post things that are spelled correctly. but we have a bond, i don't want to break that.



since this post licks big donkey balls i think i'll post a funny picture i took with my friends when we were on lincoln ave up in venice, CA....

this is like the opitomy of a homocide hotel:









just for kicks.

nothing to lose



going into most situations i look at what it is i have to gain first of all... then secondly what it is that i have to lose. if i ration that i have nothing to lose then i'll usually go ahead with the contemplated situaition... but if what i'll most likely gain from a situation is not worth what it is that i'll lose, then that is a sign for me to look elsewhere for what i was initially looking for.



fun entertaining example:



$20.00 bill.



so i'm walking down the parking lot to my car, on my way to somewhere when i look at the groud and i see a nice shiny twenty dollar bill looking at me saying hey can you be my new owner. head turn in both directions to see if there's a potential owner who has just recently left the scene.. none. i'm 20 dollars richer!! (richer implies that i was previously rich and am now richer, 20 dollars richer implies that 20 dollars is a large percent of my total bank account and implies the truth... i'm broke!) so i'm happy to have this new found andrew jackson picture



putting it into my pocket i ponder all the things i wish that i could have bought and the things that i wish i had enough money for, then i start to feel a concience and think about what bill this could pay for or what level my gas gauge is at in my thirsty car. either way, however i spend this money it doesn't matter... this money i could literally tear up and burn and i'd not know the losses since i didn't have to work for this and it really doesn't belong to me....



or does it?

now that i've come to this 20 dollar bill... i've added it to my own collection of money. it's a part just like my last paychecks and the change in my car cup holder. if i were to somehow lose this 20 like the previous owner did.... or worse yet bump into the previous and rightful owner and be forced to give it back, i'd feel the loss of this 20 dollars just as difficult as if it were my own hard earned 20 dollar bill. course i'd keep on telling myself that this was something that came to me for free and that i shouldn't even care cause i didn't have to do anything and it was there... but i'd still have that same feeling that it was $20.00 and it WAS mine and now it's NOT. a difficult concept to deal with, how long must you posess a 20 dollar bill in order to take it in as your own. if i were to immediately destroy it when it came to me would i feel less mourn if it were to sit in my wallet for three weeks and then after carrying it with me everywhere i go, realize that i was just as careless as the last person who had their hands on this bill.



there is something to lose. there is a reason to avoid finding that 20 dollars. but then again, that free tank of gas feels so much better than any other tank of gas, and deserves to be driven on an adventure, celebrated with those who will appreciate the value of a free tank of gas.



just because the 20 dollars didn't come to me conventionally like all other 20 dollar bills do doesn't mean i should treat it differently. after all it's 20 dollars!!!

intresting



attention. intrest. questions. ideas.



i love to meet people who are intresting. such an over-used word, intresting. People watching is something i do quite a bit. while at school, the people i pass by and see, while at work, while sitting at starbucks with my laptop updating my blog, i people watch and i go throught the process set up at the top.

there are some people who just get my attention...

so i develop an intrest in them...

which leads to questions

and then i try to answer those questions, and formulate ideas.



take for example the two girls in the soft chairs they're kinda cute, nothing fancy... two words describe them that turn me off though, abercrombie and fitch.

then there's the couple sitting to my right, cute girl but doesn't even hit the intrest part of the 4 step process, her boy, doesn't even get past step one.



the bigger guy with the sudo dreadlocks reading the cupon section of today's newspaper sure draws my attention, he's got an intelectual look under his grunge which i don't feel most people see. see, he's made it to the end, i've already got ideas about him.



the old man who couldn't walk slower if he tried, while carrying 3 identical paper bags sits at a booth reading the newspaper literally 5 inches from his face. the old nike air parka and his absence of a female imply that he's poor, the fact that he's been sleeping/reading for about an hour here without purchasing a coffee imply the same. but shit, i know for a fact that if i was 70+ years old and alone i'd go into a starbucks on a sunday night dressed like shit and read the paper by myself because at that age there's nothing to prove to anyone anymore. guess i look up to him... well my idea of him.



finally there's the really cute girl behind me. i've been thinking all this time how i'd describe her here. she has a cute look to her, but more than that i have no problem hearing her say or seeing her do extremely cute words and actions without even knowing that they are cute. (and yes i'm very partial to cute vs. other attractive charachteristics) snuggled in the comfy chair behind me... it's hard to get a good long look of her but i've managed a few times, certainly not enough tho, but can you ever sneek a peek enough? there's something about her, i can't put my finger on it but i've got an attraction to her in some way. is it the way she's presented herself? is it her body language? or is it the fact that i can fantasize about knowing her and spending time with someone who to me seems so intresting... the more i look at her the more ideas i get about her... and the more i like her. life is really random, here i am writing about Burn-In testing for my Unysis presentation and instead i'm spending time writing in my blog and checking out this girl who is sitting behind me. do i have a future with this girl? will i see her after today? i can't answer that... what is she thinking? is she as intrested in the old man who's reading the paper, or the fat kid next to him wearing his sunglasses. maybe, i've got her attention, or intrest, or she's got questions about me, better yet, ideas!



on a limb, i could fantasize that maybe somehow someway she'd accidentally surf onto my website, read my blog, look at my picture (prolly the fishing one!!! glory!) and recognize me as the intresting guy, with a yellow sanrio pencil case, typing intensely on my laptop at that one starbucks on that one night... and i'd float around in her mind just as she's floating around in mine.



some things would just be nice. but that's just an idea.

real quick






some guys do it for the house...




















others only see the glory...

changes



with time always ticking, it is inevitable that things will and do change. for example, me. and my life. these are two things which in fact have changed daily and will continue to do so daily. some days it seems as if nothing changes. there are those other days that are eye openers and change life as we know it. examples of these i can not think of off the top of my head, which by the way is the underlying theme and reason for the existence of this website. the top of my head. no not my hair, but ideas. things that fly in on a gust of wind and then vanish just as fast. one day i decided to catch those ideas and document them... what a weird concept.



so changes happen, great, whoop. that's my grand topic for the moment? no. the results of change, the aftermath. sequel. step 2. next in line. what happens next.



the past few weeks, i have endured quite many changes. from living arrangements, to daily schedule, even the city has changed which i live in.



quite a bit of change for me i'd say. but that is all environmental. what results do such changes bring to one's behavior? sure i eat different foods at different times and sleep at different times but we're trying to dig deeper than that. do i think differently too? am i excited about different things now? is there certian people who i act differently towards. more interestingly enough, do other people reacting to changes in their lives act differently towards me?



dramatic changes are hard for people to understand or cope with. people fear change, although they know that it's inevitable. some people believe that they have reached happyness once, and change took it away from them, so their life quest was to find that which made them happy at that one moment in time. they can't accept the fact that change won't bring them back to where they were, it's impossible. things and people around you change even if you don't. so there is no way to go back.



a wise man who shared knowledge with me once said that he never goes back, because you can't. so when i asked "when do we go back to school?" he said "we aren't going back to school, we're going to school." -this was told to me when i was 16years old, and has stuck with me since then. i won't forget it. i can't go back, nobody can... yet we all try to, we all at some point wish to....



that is until change brings us something we weren't expecting. something that helps us remember the bitter taste behind the candy coated memories that we hold on to and strive to once again achieve. when something like this comes along the future is now anticipated instead of the past sought for. hnopes and dreams fill your head and before you know it the past which you so longed for isn't what you want at all. there's more out there to see and do, the tides of change are in your favor and you've got your sail set with a large wind headed your way. from the past, we now look to the future!



and this, my friend, is when i recall the 2nd of 3 very important things taught to me by the wise man that i once new....



"if you have one foot in the past, and another foot in the future. all you can do is piss on the present..."



the present, the NOW, carpe diem stuff... how about right now? the day, today. it's so easy to look forward and to look back, but to look ar right now is never easy. right now things aren't what we want. we want what's to be, or what has been. ever hear of the old people who complain about movie prices and how candybars used to cost a nickel...



that's right, so as i read this i question one thing to myself. what was the third thing that the wise man said to me?



"Ameer, don't leave any of them out. date them all: big girls, little girls, fat girls, skinny girls, black girls, white girls, all girls. then you know which ones you like."

two weeks in



last night i stopped a candle burning by putting my hand over the opening of the candle holder till the candle suffocated and died. it was a valiant display of masculinity...

what were we doing? it was 4am, and we were playing cards.



with that manly piece of information i'd like to share a metaphore that's been on my mind lately. sparked from the words of my friend "you're not looking for a girlfriend now are you?"



i took that question in and thought about it real hard. not about if i'm looking for a girlfriend now or not, the answer to that is easy, but to why he asked that question? he must see the world much different than i, or maybe he sees me much different than i. we both have different perspectives on both objects.



first i answered the question as such:

i always carry by bow and quiver of arrows, just in case...ya never know when the perfect doe willl pop out of nowhere, but then sometimes i just shoot bunnies and rabbits for fun. just for the sport!



this one gave a chuckle to the fellas and we were on our merry way to drinking, smoking, gabmbling... er more like playing guitar, chess, and cards all on our eventful saturday night.



but this metaphore doesn't fit the bill. it's missing something, it's actually backwards. i'm depicted as the hunter in this fantasy world where in fact i'm not the hunter, i'm more of a guardian. everybody has a large field, which represents their self. some people have a plush, diverse, intresting field, seen by everybody and very straight forward. other's have large walls around their field with guards and rifles. everyone has a dark place in their field where they keep the things that are precious to them. mainly what is referred to as the heart.



most people guard their heart, hide it away and make a fake one for people to come by and check out, and even stomp on when they desire. but then there's the real heart. the one that only a few are allowed into, and moreso than none noboyd leaves, even if that is what is desired.



i guard my heart. there have been a few sly folk who managed to trick me into showing them the real one, and then the decided to step on it...

but with every occurance like that, there are more than enough people who feel as if the almost don't deserve to see the real one and be a part of the sacred area of the field.



who will pass by my field today? i don't know. nobody does.

who will i let into my field today? anyone can come into my field, but i'll show them the decoy heart... only until you prove that you aren't planning to destroy my field, can i show you the real heart.

finally situated



moving is the biggest hassle.



parting with your junk makes you remember good/bad times.



living on the third floor can suck when you don't have an elevator.



classes don't get eaiser as you take them, they get slower. time actually stops during some classes.



life without a computer connected to the internet is almost just not worth it... until the second day



seems like the world of books is also backwards. the get more expencive as time goes on, yet somehow their resale decreases as time goes on. well i guess that sums up my past week of moving in



As i'm sitting in class... i'm thinking something (other than the class material) and it hits me. there are two types of mentalitys. the first mentality is to take everything that one has experienced, and everything that one knows, and choose from those previous memories, which times brings them the most happyness.

on the same level as favorite food. if you ask me what my favorite food is i'll tell you that it was something i've previously eaten. how could something like fried snails, be my favorte food? if i've never eaten them? the only way i could say that they were my favorite food is if i had tried them. now then. i've listened to people talk about intellectual people. how they're so smart that they won't be able to be happy. because they somehow know what fried snails tastes like without even eating them... they've deduced using equations and relations that fried snails will be the best meal ever, and now thye're on a trek to get some fried snails. this is the second mentality. those who see what could possibly be, instead of resorting to past experience, they look to the "perfect" solution.

similar to a teenager. why are teens such pains in the neck? simple, they have this second mentality, which ultimately leads to unhappyness. for example: sally is our teenager. she just spent $200 on new clothes. she sees that her friend martha just got a new car, and wonders geez, why don't my parents get me a new car too! then she looks on to her friend debbie, who's parents just paid for her new snowboard. and sally thinks to herself if she gets a new snowboard, i want a new snowboard... her parents got her one, why can't i have one? all the while, martha is wanting $200 in clothes and a snowboard, and debbie complains to daddy about getting a new car and $200 worth of clothes.

teenagers see what it is that others have, and automatically think to themselves that they should also have that same thing. regardless one can't satisfy a teenager, and so instead of trying to make the teenager happy, we just let them grow out of their stage, and realize how the world works.

these intellectual people now, the ones who see everything that they want and know what it is that will bring them happyness... yet what it is takes so long and so much work to get, that they'll basically find happyness and then die...

i pose a questions to the "intelectual" individual, is it worth it to put yourself thru the torment and unhappyness, to prove that you're simply an old teenager who thinks that fried snails is their favorite dish, without ever tasting them?

is it worth it



i find that in my short life's travels, i've met quite a few intresting people. i can't tell how many because some i just never got a chance to fully get to know. although i do know that i did get along rather well with those people. and that's what makes me sorta sad. i get to meet all these people who make me feel happy that i'm here doing what i'm doing and when things are sort of settling in... it's off to a new place. i'm not sure why the world works like that. well my world does. i end up simply missing people. i hate missing people. i hate missing out. i hate the concept of missing, i wish that humans had short memories when it came to missing people cause it'd be out of sight out of mind, and i guess i'd be happier. it's just that when i leave san diego... the few people who i've sorta gotten to know again, will be doing what they do without me once more, and all i really can do is miss them. and after that, people in college, they'll be just more people to miss.



i guess i just go and forget who those people are that i miss so that i don't have to miss them again... it's not easy to have friends that you don't spend time with and granted if they are good friends then distance or time will not extinguish the friendship, but it sure isn't any fun.



a few of my friends have gone abroad lately. and i miss them already. i'm happy to go back to school for a quarter, but even that it's still going to be hard, leaving the place i've called home in the middle of the year.



i'm somehow not that sad, but i do get mildly annoyed at constantly missing people who single handedly brighten my day everytime. those are the kind of friends that you just can't help but miss.

finding my girl



i wrote something about green grass and dog sh*t, well more than that, but basically. and i got a response saying "you'll find your girl someday when you least expect it..." which is a beautiful thought, but also made me realize that yes, i'm writing about girls. and geez i do write about girls a lot.



in a small conversation with a freind, he asked. i thought you were happy? i thought you liked being single? and you know what i do. being single is treating me good. although there are times when i'm just not all that excited about being single, for the most part, i can picture myself putting a significant other through hell and back. not by choice, nor by chance, but because i change so much, and i'm such a critic that i'd drive them insane.



on the exterior i've been told that i'm a very "chill" or "kick back" sorta guy, i hear that all the time.... but it's only because i am that way about issues that i feel are unimportant. which are in turn very important to other people. i like to think of myself as an artist trapped in an engineer's body. so to the world i'm seen differently than how i really feel. i mean that's my one way depiction of myself, and i'm the only one who can't see myself when i'm out in the crowd, so it could very well be a bit twisted. but it makes me feel good about myself.



i'm a very patient person. sometimes i think a bit too patient.... don't know why, maybe mom and dad had lots of patience with me.



i had this ending on saturday. i'm not sure what ended but it was storybook ending for me. me and three friends went to the beach... we got there and climed on the rocks. the weather was so nice that i sat down and noticed that the already low tide was extremely clear. usually the water here is foamy, and upturned sand pollutes the shore. today was different, it was sparkly clear water with small ripples turning the seaweed. feeling hung over and tired from the night before i layed down and put my hat on top of my face. that was the first time i heard the waves crash on the shore and felt the cool breese refresh my skin from the sun's warm rays. the two guys i was with weren't nap ready so they quickly jumped up to explore more of the strangely beautiful day. the girl who was left also layed down behind me to enjoy the ocean's fresh ora. although she soon got up and slowly left leaving me there alone with the sparkly water, the smooth crashing waves, the cool breese, and my thoughts... for some reason i was at peace, and slipped into what seemed to be a 10min nap. i don't know how long it was but when i woke up, i felt the hangover had left me. i was ameer again. i didn't feel the stomach ache or the sensitive body feeling anymore. strange, but something ended that day and another thing began. i didn't even realize anything there on that rock, except that i'll never be here like this again, ever.

the grass



the god damn grass is so green everywhere... but for some reason when i get

there, it's brown, it's dirt even. it's brown dirt that people take their

dogs to, to take dumps when their dogs have diarrhea.



ok, sounds like i'm pretty mad. i'm not, but i wanted to spit some dog sh*t

humor for those that love it. but one does some thinking after moving a 60

gallon fishtank... at least this one does. thinking about what? girls

that's what! what else, the ultimate, the primero dinero, CHICKS!



ya man, chicks digging it. come to think, i've never seen a chick dig, so

how the hell have i been fooling myself that some chick will dig me. i

dunno... there's just a few factors that pile up like dog diarrhea and

pretty soon you have a stinky mountian of crap that you just can't get rid

of.



i'm referring to the few small problems like why am i such a picky person

when it comes to chicks. on the ride home i was telling

nancy about what i like and

don't like about girls and what girl i was looking for... and in telling her

what i wanted, i concluded that she's imaginery. and that i'm just

preposterous. i also realized, and didn't tell nancy this, but she'll read

it someday... that most of the girls that i hang out with have boyfriends!

i mean, i'm looking for this needle in a haystack, but i'm not even in the

haystack.. i'm out in the barn. looking for the cows that have already been

milked. i guess i'll be one of those guys who's 45, never been married,

drives a red convertible, and sleazily picks up on bored housewives that

have husbands that work all day and don't please their women. i'll prolly

live in an RV but have some rich friend lend me their vacation house, and

pose it as my own.



geez, looks like i've got to change some habits or else it's a grim future.



-this just in, 60% of japanese people have sex among friends "that's like

asking a girl who is your friend to hook it up with a bj" "they also lead

the world with the lowest amount of STDs" -annonymous japanese guy



with stats like that, and knowing that english and american are the talk of

the town over on that island, maybe i should just go back there... i mean

i'd make friends with girls who had boyfriends, but i'd be there friends,

and apparently if i make 10 friends like that, i'm hookin up with 6 of them!

and still living the swinging batchelor life!



no wonder it's so expencive to live there and so many people are in such a

small place.



anyhow... in conclusion, there is none. screw going after green grass...

the green grass is a fake chase!

vague



a few people have asked me why it is that this blog is so vague. it was put by michael, after i posted his poem and then told him i did so, that sometimes i say that there's a couple walking... and other times i describe the details of the imprint of their feet in the sand.



i guess sometimes i want to describe the couple and sometimes i want them to be abstract. most of the time when i read a book and then see the movie i picture the charachters and the scenery much different than the director of the movie. and when i see the scenarios in places that feel wrong i can't relate.



with this methodology (which isn't all that wonderful) i keep a rather vague writing style in order to allow the reader to imagine. or better yet, so that when i go back and read what i wrote, i can hopefully find that my words don't pertain to just one incedent in my life but many.... since the world works in patterns and some patterns are very similar if not exact.



so as i sit in my idle three walled cubicle, and the world around me is ringing, talking, scratching, crumbling, and producing.. i'm in my little hole hiding from the world and secretly communicating to sustain life if not for just one more day. not sure if i'll come out of my cacoon just yet. but some day i'll be forced and i'll either be ready or i won't be.

Jaded



[can't take credit for this one, it's a mickey the rat original]



There are flies in my apartment

Little tiny flies

They fly slow and are easy to kill

Flies in my sink, on my mirror and window sill

I don't know how they got in

Or what they're looking for

But if it's food they want, there's more upstairs

Or next door

Maybe it's because there's plenty to drink

Maybe that's why I've got flies in my sink



And no matter how much I clean

How I dust, scrub, scrape, sweep

There'll always be more flies next week

When I get my check and pay my rent

When I think about all the money I've spent

The money I've saved

The hours I've slaved

Working overtime to buy a nine dollar bottle of wine

Busting my ass

And then I see six flies resting on the lip of my glass

And I wonder:

Should I be angry that there are flies in my sink, on my mirror and window sill?

Or should I be glad that they're slow and easy to kill?



Should I be glad that I bought a new c.d.?

That I got my last oil change for free?

That I recently acquired cable t.v.?



I don't want to sound jaded

I don't want to sound jaded

But I've got thirteen vacation days and nowhere to go

My car needs new tires and I don't have any dough

And when I skip my shower to make work by nine

When the clock strikes five, I yell:

"Now it's time to do something that MATTERS!"

But there's not enough time

Not when I have to be at work by nine

And I feel dirty

And my toilet still won't flush correctly



Should I be angry that there are flies in my sink, on my mirror and window sill?

Or should I be glad that they're stupid and easy to kill?

people and time



there's so many people on this planet that we'll get to meet and know. there's so much time that we have in order to do so. and while everyone is so wrapped up in finding that "perfect" someone, trying to meet "new" people, i feel rather nonchalant about the whole ordeal. why am i not stressing about finding a wife that i can live with forever? because, i've already met her. or at least i think i have.

problem is i just don't know which one she is.



sounds like my theory has a few holes in it doesn't it? well hear me out. this is something i've been thinking about and my older friends have been proving me correct (which i remember since this sort of thing rarely happens) but through kindergarten, up to middle school, over to high school and then to college i've met hundreds even thousands of people. and i've lost contact with most of them. only a few are really people who i consider friends and are close to me. so let me tie this in....

i belive that i've met most of my best friends already. and when i say meet them i don't mean that i currently keep in contact with them (all of them i mean)



see i have heard the story over and over: people know each other thru grade school, or thru college or for some time. then the don't see eachother for years. decades even, and they re-meet eachother. and became best friends or lovers or whatever.



so many times i've heard that. so while everyone's looking for people that they've never met, they most often find someone who they've already met, which is much more comforting considering that if you re-meet someone who you've known of for 10 years, and they're still sane, normal people.. they're much eaiser to trust and whatnot.



anyhow. that's how i look at things. they fall into place somehow without us knowing. but guessing is always fun.

insomnia



today i've got mad insomnia. tonight for that matter. i'm very awake, it's very hot in my room. i miss being on vacation, i could always sleep then. i could do a million positive things like finish unpacking, mix records, write, read, organize my life's tribulations, read friend's blogs, write down good things about each of my friends and family members.

instead i post to this web page in hopes that james will comment on my thoughts and experiences multiple times with the same response.



i realized that i've come a long way, one friend asked me about my theory of girls with their hair up. and so i reverted back to the entry a few months ago addressing the issue. and my writing was so poor, ideas were so scattered and more difficult to comprehend than the reason people buy country music.



i stare at my buddy list and wish for one of those dim names to become bold once again. even though there are names in bold, i just don't feel like that same old conversation with those same old people, leading to that same old suddend end in chatting because both parties have completely lost intrest in the subject matter.



i somehow miss japan (and emi). or maybe i miss the idea of not being here where i'm so comfortable that i become extremely lazy and unmotivated.change is needed. change means living. no change means death. a quick drink and a cig may be exactly what i need to kick start my thursday night slumber...

or maybe cleaning my room would be more beneficial in the long run.

hmph. either way i'm not doing so well am i?

back from japan



i'm back from japan and tired as hell...

that is all for now

in japan



well here i am, in japan. it's different, but i even knew that much before coming here. coming to japan and seeing "westerners" is weird cause they all desire to do "western" things. that whole 'don't know what you got till it's gone' phrase comes into affect yet again here.



things i enjoy about japan. i'm different. lots of people here stare at me. when i look at them they turn away. except for the other different people. say for example i'm walking in a massive crowd of japanese people and i see an oncoming white person. their eyes will be fixed on me. and from their facial expression it's like they are about to talk to me. if i were to say a what's up? or a hey dude they'd prolly bust out into their life story. i was warned about this from a fella who lived in nipon for 2 years. he said that he'd never see an english speaker, and when he did he just wanted to hug them! i see that in other people. personally, i don't miss english speakers since i have english/japanese speaking friends who practically baby me. but i'm a baby so it's needed.



it's muggy here. way humid. haven't seen the sun for 2 days, but sweat like a beast.



starting to miss my friends. miss my house. miss my room. miss my phone. miss deborah, my car. don't miss work. not at all.



*key point this trip* i'm trying to find out how to load mp3's onto my new digital camera which is the size of 6 creditcards stacked on top of each other, so that i can listen to mp3's while i go bike riding thru rice patties. then take pictures of course, or maybe even 30 second .mpg movie clips with sound....

ya life's pretty hard i have to say.



so i'm having fun. we're tossing around the idea of going to korea for the weekend...

imagine telling someone that... hey let's go to korea for the weekend? sure, why not.

japan



i'm off to japan, so the two of you who read this daily, will definately miss me. i'm sorry but i did put up a nice pic just for the occasion!

i'll jot down thoughts as they come to me and get back.....



peaceout!



~Ameer

old people



i know why young people hate old people...



cause old people have been thru so much crap and have been so patient for the majority of their life that they've lost their patience and just don't give a f*ck anymore. i'm getting old.



which makes you hella respect the old people who are cool as hell and patient too. cause those guys were probably never patient and they finally tried it and found out how much stress they relieved from being so.



i'm guessing here.

and i'm going to bed here....

for a second



intresting, my weekends have become lately. the last 24 hours have really been different. sure i went to closing for spop, a program that i have dedicated three quarters and three summers to. it's over now. but it's never really over. although for some reason i had a strange, new, yet very old, feeling come over me today. i didn't know what to do about it. or do with it. it's just people. people. they're everywhere yet feels like there never really there.



guess all i'm trying to say is that last weekendi had a good time. and i'm pretty confident in my very near future.

ending



we're so stuck on endings. why is that? i mean the single journey starts with a first step sorta thing makes each step just as important. so then why is the ending the pressure time? the ending is what has to be perfect all the time? i'm not good at endings

i'm a middle person.



the middle is usually the best, cause you realize how far you've come, and still have quite a bit to still look forward to... most people don't see things the way i do. and i'm slowly figuring that out... that's why people say "ameer's just.. ameer"



that's another entry tho, this one's all on endings.



we anticipate the best endings. endings are what we fantasize about, endings are what we worry about.

endings to school, endings to relationships, endings to dates, endings to holidays... even the end of our lives.



there's some things that i've put my heart into. and for the most part they ended on a pretty sour note, or well they ended and i was initially unhappy about the ending since it wasn't the way that i had anticipated. sure it's naive to set hopes and then dwell on them. i am/was/will be naive not on purpose! but i just had an ending. and it definately was NOT what i had anticipated. i almost imagined myself running thru a beautiful feild of knee high grass and dandelions while keeping innocent children from fallin off the edge into the pif of maturity.



instead i found myself stooped on a guilty stair in a room full of regret, with tears and sniffly noses. letting friends down really kills me. i hate missing out on what my friends are doing, it eats me up inside to miss them. and when i hurt them it kills me more. so how does the ending really turn out to this story?



endings are only defined by the person who's ready to end. like the man said, it's all relative. i say it's not over until my beautiful ending has appeared and i'm back with my hands on my hips, moving my head like a rooster back and forth, kicking my feet up high, while cheering " we are the eagles, ya ya the eagles!"

all endings are good, just need to know when to end, and when to say you're in the middle.

friendships



it's hard these days to know who's your friend and who's going to be gone the next day. after highschool i had the best feeling in the world since i had such a tight knit group of friends and was certian that we'd be that way till the end of time.



i've been surprised at who i've kept in contact with and who i've lost touch with as well. i would never have guessed the actual outcome. life's just like that tho isn't it?



so then as my college career winds down, will the same thing happen. will the people who i spend the most time with become distant memories with a bitter taste to them, and will those friendships that i was certian would die out less than a month out of school turn into a lifelong friendship?



i guess you can't really know until it's over. but this past weekend i sure was assured, about a few of my friends that is, that the future looks somewhat good as far as my friendship with them. nothing like some bad times to make you realize the good times.

randomizaion



so here's the deal...

iv'e been thinking quite a bit about what to write here, and i've thought about tons of good entries to this journal that i would totally enjoy looking back on and reading.

yet i have documented none. why is that? i have no clue, somehow my priorities are just not oriented at my web page. that'll change i'm currently working on getting a daily picture (web cam) going.. how cool would that be! i'd be stoked!

i just gotta put the code in and stuff and then mess around with it and get lots of help from people... but ya in the mean time, i have a web cam all set up that is sometimes live from my room!!



the link is here so check me out sometime!



as a reminder to myself, my room is clean, like pretty clean, the cleanest it's been since i moved in. and my room's condition directly affects my life at that same instantaneous moment. usually my room is a disaster. i know where everything is because i left it there. and i know what piles of clothes are dirty and what piles are clean. there's always nicknacks and whatnot just hanging out in different spots but i know their purpose and have a plan for them whether it's in near future or not.

but this weekend was a weekend for me to get myself together, to take care of issues that had been put off. this past weekend was just "chill" but i did notice one thing. pressure



i'm noticing these signs.



and well i'm a sign person. listening to what the signs say is something that i believe in...

why do i believe in listening to the signs?



easy: everyday we make choices. and sometimes there's very hard choices to make, either because both outcomes are bad or both are good and you're just not sure which would be better in the long run. so what do we do? we look to the signs to direct us.

although signs are only signs because we declare them signs. this means that since we have the power to subconciously declare or disregard signs, that the signs that we see must be towards the correct decision. there are an equal number of signs each pointing to a different option for our decision in question. but there will only be a few of these signs noticed. and in noticing that sign we're lead to the correct path.

web cam



check out what i added!!!

i wrote an entry at work today, but forgot to post it!

oh well.. tomorrow

lots of things..

There's so many things, there's just lots of things!

things usually is a good thing for me, i look for girls

with things i like to buy things with things... i mean

overall i enjoy lots of things

but lately my things are starting to take a toll on me

i have too many involvements, like how i work 10 hrs a

day then go and spend three solid days doing orientation

stuff and friend time!!

it's nice to come home with nothing to do once in a while

but i'm not 1005 sure what i mean by that cause i am

so afraid of being alone... most people are, but that

doesn't make it ok.

so lately i've been doing something different. i've been

sitting somewhere, sometimes at work, sometimes at home,

or even in the car. and i think up something that's worth

writing down (for me at least) and so i jot down a few ideas

or like a flow chart of concepts...

so i can later go back and write about them either here or

somewhere else.

here's some examples:

1.) coffee breath,

-need coffee to stay awake,

-gum to stay fresh...

-need cash to buy gum

-need a job to get cash

-need coffee to survive at a job

2.) cranky:

snapping @ people

not sleeping

being idle @ work

tired at work

take it out on friends and family...

3.) the mentality "well since i'm working then..."

-controlling mentality

-control freak

-destiny

-lazyness

-letting destiny take course or being lazy?

lazy/scared

these are some notes that i jot down to later write about...

the only bad part is that i don't remember the stuff that

fills out these random outlines.

cause i'm pretty much in a daydream when i think of them, and

then i go into this sort of realization on the way out of the

daydream, and viola, there's my outline! if i could type 50 words

a second i could document in detail what it is that i was

thinking, but i couldn't so that's where the notes come in and

that's where they go!

damn



i feel that i've been pretty up to par on the flow of blogs lately.

but i haven't....



see it's like all blogs are interlinked. nobody blogs their own stuff and sticks to just that. they have at least somebody that they read about on another blog page...

so in result they are in touch with the blog community.. "web" springs to mind for more than obvious reasons.



anyhow, i've been out of the "web of blogs" just lately... like it was a really high point, then dipped, now it's picking up and i don't have a second blog wind!!!!



i do sit at work and think of things to write about, but then i "pull a naveeds" and leave that shit at work!!! damn it, this blog would have been semi intresting had i not stayed at work till i just couldn't bear to be there and then jet out at mach speed...



speaking of work, i'm gonna have to be there mighty soon, so i'm gonna peaceoutlates word to your mother and all that good stuff

just a baaad day



i consider my self a pretty goofy charachter. i was talking to sticky vicki yesterday about how i strangely felt sincere when i usually make fun of the poor girl. why i felt that way i had no idea. until today hit.



normally i'm you're run of the mill joker, smartass, happy-go-lucky kinda guy who can shrug off the bad and focus on the good...



today was different. i came home from work cranky, pissed off.. i was al bundy!!!

why the heck was i so upset? nothing bad at work happened... nothing bad with me happened. and for some reason i focused only on the bad things that went wrong. my dad chewed me out today cause my car wasn't working, the passport lady said my head was too big in the picture, i got lost trying to pick up my dad's car, the bank didn't have deposit envelopes!!!



small things



the small things are what really get you goin.



*now let's focus on the good things:

at work i learned how to make an html file for my email signature, i was so excied about it that i took this picture to put in it:







i think it's funny. other's prolly won't but hey, it makes my day that much better, and damnit. it's the little things that destroy or make your day....



another thing that i found i really enjoyed was time alone... i love eveyone i chose to surround myself with, but i really enjoy time alone these days. usually i need someone to go to the store with me cause i can't go solo. now i'm dying to just chill by myself for an hr... i got to mix 4 records today and even tho that's like 15 mins, it was the best damn part of my day!

maybe tomorrow will turn into 20 mins!!!



my half empty glass is turning half full slowly.

vegas



the math of las vegas:



+80 inital value

- 40 roulet

- 20 drinks

- 20 boxers/socks/t-shirt

+ 15 dad felt like i needed some money

+96 roulet again! thanks hong and tiff for picking winners!!!



overall not a bad weekend! besides the fact that i thougth it was more important to take the trash from the front yard to the back yard and forget my bag right there in the front yard so i had to wear the same damn clothes.. felt pretty stupid.. my family and didn't hlep me forget it either.



highlights:

seeing my brother play drinking games with my mom

learning how to play blackjack, 300 dollars worth....

leaving las vegas at 6:30 am

wearing the same clothes for an entire weekend builds charachter

grape fights in a hotel room build messes



on good think about vegas is the car ride. it's long, it's boring. how could that be good? well you get to talk to whoever you're driving with... and sure i'd much rather be driving in suv packed with hot girls who think i'm the funniest, sexiest, best catch of the year batchelor. but i think i had just as much fun talking my roomate's ear off,



he asked me a question that i've not thought about tho, he said, " are you looking for a girlfriend? "

and i thought about it and wasn't sure what to say. i mean people are always keeping an eye out for that someone to just majically appear rite? but as a main priority, i have to say not really... but that's been my mentality for a while now, and it occured to me that it may be able to change. i can always change my mind. anyone can change! it's the surrounding expectations that don't change, the external taliking behind backs that comes back to your face that people fear.

if my favorite color is red, and it's been red, but then i sorta notice that i really am not liking red anymore and green is just so appealing, but still everyone thinks that red is what i still like and all my bday presents are red, mom buys me red cereal.. it's hard to change your mind and let it be public...



that's what i thought when heard the question. then i thought do i want to change my mind? i'm not sure. i'll sleep on it... that's all i really have to say about that i guess

idiot



i find myself being more of an idiot every day.

why i dunno?

i don't really have any concrete examples... i just feel that way, i feel like a fool. like the people who i interact with laugh at me for being so oblivious behind my back... i really wish people would just laugh in front of my face so that i would know what they are laughing about!!!!



went to costco today. gotta love those polish sausages!



so it's been like a week since i updated this pathetic excuse of a web site.

i've been learning Pro/E, it's a CAD (computer aided design) program,

runs about $1500.00 and is a definite skill if anyone knows how to use it,



these are the exciting things i have to write about...



being an engineer i'm unable to observe and sometimes interact with girls, which is basically the

theme of this web site and my writings.



not associating with girls also takes a negative toll on my thought process...

pathetic how independant i seem to be yet how dependant i really am. sad thing is that

the girls that i'm so dependant on have no clue whatsoever.



that makes me sad, now i know why i feel like an idiot

the fuel of the world

was just totally erased because i hit the escape button while highlighting this "edit your blog window" i am an ass.



i'll write it over later... cause now i'm just not up to it....

boring blogs





sometimes i feel that blogs are only for me. like i have a bunch of writers that write daily about the important or intresting aspects of their lives. and i get upset when i read crappy material. i mean i love food, but i don't want to read a paragraph about what someone ate for lunch!!!



then i got to thinking.



i don't have a bunch of writers that write daily about the important or intresting aspects of their lives. i have a little ring of friends that share their lives with me publicly on the internet. i should actually enjoy the posts that i read, not for the entertainment that it brings me, but for the content that is being shared with me.

some people have commented to me the they could never write about themselves like this on the internet. they're afraid of stalkers and identity theft. or maybe they are afraid that they're lives are way too boring or that their writing style is so poor that they'll not impress anyone or give off a worse impression of themselves than they belive that they currently give off.



but the underliying point is that i'm sick of boring blogs. and i'm not helping the situation one bit with this crappy entry. i guess i'm not a humanitarian when it comes to blog entries. damn the system and damn the critics of the system!!! (that includes me)



*i think all this frustration yeilds from not having my turntables set up yet....



no but really, for me to get upset at the quality of blogs must mean that there's an inner source of frustration.... is it the fact that my turntables are all packed up, i don't really think so, i think that i use them to release frustration thus i must be frustrated! living in san diego is difficlut at times. i feel a bit lonely and rushed. so i find myself packing my weekends full of stuff to do while i'm up at irvine. but there's reasons that i'd want to stay here instead. it's complicated and i can't simplify it, but basically those are the important and intresting aspects of my life that are publicly displayed.



sorry for not writing for you.

the REAL world



today i entered the real world yet again. the real world of solar turbines that is. what an endeavor. after sitting through about 5hrs of 70's videos and filling out forms regarding fire extinguishers i was told that i didn't have to go to orientation. yay! information i would have liked to know a bit sooner. either way, it worked out well. my computer at work is a god damn monster!!! it's a brand new dell, all black... pentium xeon workstation... doesn't come with the dual 17" LCD's tho, it's just a flatscreen CRT trinitron display 21"... i can deal with it. =)



anyhow, the subject material that i work on is probably code red, the hightest level of security that solar turbines has. so i can't talk about what it is exactly that i do, but if i could, boy would this page get mad hits!! (all sarcastic lies)

for reals tho, my first day went better than expected, i think i may just enjoy this summer a bit more than i expected as well... things are looking good. knock on my desk, cause well it's wood of course.

so this is it



i'm gettin a move on. the waterbed has been drained, i only got one mouthful of water trying to siphen out the 500+ gallons i had been sleeping on illegaly set on the second story of our mediocre costa mesa townhouse.



i'm currently sitting on my floor with my laptop on my lap *go figure* an empty bedframe, and random shit scattered about... not to mention the 10 gal fish tank is also up.. which i told james i'd post a pic of but since the link is packed i won't be able to do for another week or so.



on to more intresting points and aspects of my life and mind:

watching two girls make out is fun. -but it's only fun in small doses. it's like the creme brulet after a large gormet meal. eating an entire meal of chocolate mouse just doesn't do it for me. a taste once in a while is good tho. actually it's more like watching all of the above on the food network and not getting to actually eat it....



the past few days i've been dreading, and when they came i was scared to take them on. moving out really wasn't something i wanted to do. san diego isn't somewhere i want to be. and wed was the day that i had to actually go through with the reality of what i had been imagining. wed was an awesome day. thursday i didn't want to leave. hangin with hong and vic was awesome. duy too.. love that fool

eating dinner with mom and dad, seeing my sister. there's more in SD for me than i thought. it's just so hard to change. it's inevitable, and people still fight the inevitable. maybe because change requires a bit more work than one would like to put in... i never want to put in work.

i'd rather just sit and watch the food network!

some pics!





here's my car!



picked it up on monday, kinda like a grad present, but i have to pay for it.. i'm happy with it, it's a 94 prelude and it's stickshift! for that sporty guy in me...



on to other topics i got burned:







don't ask how i can't tell, it's top secret, just know that it happened





so that's what's going on in my picture life, as far as other things are concerned, well i'm not too sure what to make of it... over a pitcher of new castle i discussed with a friend about living situations. i'm sad that i have to move out of what's prolly the best living situation that i've been in. we have an understanding, most people think we live in a damn pig sty, but that's another picture post in the future.

it's like brothers that hang out.

not many do, families and friends usually aren't the same people... this kinda goes for roomates too. at least my roomates. most roomates don't go chill together, or stay home together and just hang out. same with families, most brothers and sisters have their own stuff to do when they get free time, instead of wanting to hang out with eachother.

where i'm at now, it's like that, it's fam & friends. i'm gonna miss 70A...



BUT i'm looking forward to being in san diego living with honk and working at solar turbines.



everyone who's ever been to a concert knows that bands always leave you wanting more, cause that feeling of not wanting anymore and wanting to leave is much worse, and leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. so it's good. i'm leaving wanting more...

walked



i walked, i finished, i have a quarter left..=(



the feeling of being done with uci almost caught me until i realized that i still have to come back for three more classes which will finalize my education at the university of california irvine.. whoopie



it's weird.



personally all i could think about was the car i'm pickin up on monday, but that's a different story all together

blog

blog blog blog, i've been workin on my blog, finally got it to the site url that i wanted, got the archives to work, got the fonts the right size shape color form...

but all this work and shit i haven't updated anything...

recent "ameer's life" update:

tomorrow, at 9am 6/15 i walk. (graduation style)

monday i pick up the dark blue 94 prelude that i test drove on thursday whooopie!

wed i move all my ish from costa mesa to good ol RB..

sometime in the week i'll spend my 50.00 gift certificate at higher source records... been itchin to do that!

went to the LTD KE thingy last nite, had fun, and a few drinks.. too many



so what have i been thinking about, now that what i've done is out of the way... hmm... thinking eh. been thinking about moving, transitioning... will i get chicks with my new job, new location, new *used car...

or will i be in a rut, sittin at home wondering what the hell to type in this box...

will i adapt to working in downtown san diego?

will i make friends with the other solar turbines interns? will there be any?

wonder how tomorrow will go? graduating and all.. seems kinda weird to graduate with three classes left you know. even if they are all upper div engineering hardcore style classes.. i still need em.



anyhow, graduation tomorrow is gonna be kinda fun, pics will be posted... stay tuned same bat channel and all that old school sayings and shinanagans

making progress



so i'm making mad progress here.. check this sh*t out.. i've got a new home

-same ol ameer

-brand new home!! (the sever with the gleaming white LED)



brought to you by this guy who likes to do THIS on friday nights....

FYI that's our household and yes it does look like that on a daily basis, it's the ultimate batchelor pad what can we say? nothing! we'll FTP it to big red then post it for yall to see cause we're just that nerdy!



so since the old url will never be updated again, don't go to it... go to this:

www.high-entropy.com/hunger

it's the new home for old ameer...



ok more to come soon we'll hope! after finals week is over tho...

do you want some cheese with your wine?



70A showed up for the occasion...

how old are you?

sex and money



people who have money, spend it.

people who don't have money dream about it.



these basic principles are the foundation mentality of the human being.



think of sex appeal, or good looks, or the ability to attract the opposite (or same if your preference be) sex as money. people who have it, spend it. people who don't dream about getting some someday. the point being: i see many girls who just can't not have a boyfriend... they've honestly got a "take a number" booth going and well we wonder why?



simplify: they've got a lot of sex appeal and damnit they're spending it cause they got it.



now then, another question is about love, where does that fit in? love is like happyness. many people who are rich wouldn't say that they're happy. just as many people who are desireable aren't in love.



the parallel is a bit abstract and the way i convey it is translucent, and my spelling is shit. but after wondering how someone could just go from lover to lover boggled my mind. if i were to do the same i'd be an emotional wreck! but these people have been rich in sex appeal they're whole life, and want it or not they've had the "take a number" line forming whether the like it or not. so they've grown up this way learned this style of life and will lead it this way.



watching how rediculous people with money spend their money is the same as watching attractive people break hearts and work their way into everyone's bed. they're looking for something better than the next, as people with money look for the same. problem is that there's always gonna be something that you can buy that'll be more expencive and better quality, but as far as finding people.. that's where the flaw is and that's the catch.



when you buy something that object is 100% yours and you decide it's fate. when you have a partner, they decide their fate, they're not yours even if they tell you that they are, they may change their mind. there's more variables in this scenario and that's why it's hidden... there's too many variables that people believe it to be random, when in fact it's not.



but what am i talking about... girls who look good will always have guys that want them. most girls will take the guys and when one gets boring, they'll change to the next. guys the same. but i think that anyone who spends their money on the same thing bores me. it's just too bad that there's not enough people (who live in my small irvine bubble) that have money *sex appeal* yet chose to hold on to it instead of spending it on every one that takes a number.

blog community

is it me or has my complete blog community slowly died down to the almost nothing state?



it's a poor shame, poor poor shame.



not only am i at a loss for words in this blank screen, but my inspirations are all reruns, blogs i've read before and topics discussed before.

they say it gets bad before it gets better, i'm planning on a really good comeback!

i never want to speak to you again



i can't get over it,

i'm a fuckin clown. i can't take anything seriously.

i always gotta make a joke, be the clown.



there's a time to be serious and a time to play.

i have problems knowing this, i feel like i play all day

even when i shouldn't.



so what do you say/do when a friend needs comforting. when i need comforting i usually just talk to someone and while they're speaking i zone out and don't even listen to them. so should i just ramble on and assume that they're not listening to me? not everyone thinks like me. actually i think most people think opposite of me.



it's hard for me to view problems of others if i don't have those problems.



my friend told me that as long as i support and show that i'm here for problem times then that should be good. and well i think that's all that can be done. but i don't feel satisfied with that...



hmm.. thinking waaaaaaay back to when i had a girl, and girl problems geez, it's hard to remember those repressed harsh feelings, but the only good times i remember having is when i wasn't by myself thinking of all the reasons why i wasn't out with friends or wasn't out being independant and why i was moping and being lazy...



girls.. problems.. take the good with the bad.

it's like playing tennis by yourself all the time then switching to doubles... at first it sucks, but you learn to work as a team and winning is more fun cause you can share it with someone!

*plus it seems like even if you are playing solo, you're against a doubles pair!

the internet



the information superhighway, the web, the net, the place where i waste more time than most school kids do watching tv.

honestly, i'm an internet supernerd.

i'm happy if i have internet. and the scary thing is that i'm not alone.



what's so nice about it?

me sittin by myself looking at this damn monitor pushing these keys is not the boy's dream of spending a monday off form school is it?

take a look at my room, it's filty. my kitchen, even worse.

do i have anything to wear? course not, it's all dirty!



yet i sit here with this generations idea that not caring is cool, and procrastinating is fun.

i've overheard millions of "i'm lazier than you" conversations, and people take pride in that shit.

i've done so. it's like a competition.



let's compete to see who can do the least yet gain the most, seems like this generation's attitude



but there's so much you can do with the internet, currently i'm updating a blog, writing an assighment, looking for used cars, downloading austin powers, listening to michael jackson, and chatting with the captian... that's quite a lot, yet it's not much as far as 'getting shit done' is concerned...



3:32, in pj's haven't eaten yet, 2 games of starcraft played, 1.5 pages written, this blog.. that's all i have to show for,

i'm outta here, beat it!

the wind



walking to this computer lab i was full of ideas of what to write here and what to say... all that stuff.



it's gone.

totally had an idea of what i was going to write, and it's completely slipped me, have no clue why, but it's just that way.

maybe i'll just check my email instead.

or write a nice story of which something intresting happend to me?



hmm.. story...

you'd prolly want a story about a girl.

or about something extreme

even a story that's sad, or that's miserable.



a philosophical question maybe?

on why people do certian things, or why don't certian people do things...



here we go, i got a brain tease for ya...

ever wonder how couples got together when you're strollin by? i mean you see two people holding hands or smoochin somewhere and you're like wonder how they met, got to know each other, and finally ended up together?



well...i have if no body else has.



cause i mean, at one point they didn't know eachother, and they had to have met at one point. did one of them know of the other before the formal introduction? who initiated the "i have feelings for you" notion?



see i ponder this cause i currently am crushing on a certian girl. she's totally worth the crush and she's one of my friends. so how do i do things from now out. unless someone told her something that i told someone else then she doesn't have any idea that i'm intrested in her. and our friendship is healthy. we're not best friends, nor great friends... a few steps above aquaintance is where i place our relationship, and well it very slowly but surely climbs up but not at a fast rapid pace or anything...

but i've had friends that i was intrested in and when i started to express how i felt, it drove them away! so by saying how i felt, i actually lost a friend. (for a while, she is now back as a friend) but ya see... i don't want to scare anyone off. so i don't say anything to anyone really... i try to not say anything to myself. i tell my self about the advances that i'm making in life, the goals that i'm accomplishing, and the things that i'm getting done... that's why not getting that car affected me a bit more that one would think. i mean i've been car crazy ever since i was 15!

i dreamed that for my 16th bday i'd get a car, any car!!!

now that i'm 23, and still driving the same car, there's not much advancement there, i feel like i've failed, and then asshold here goes back on his agreement and i'm a failure.



ok well that's enough, i need to nap here in the lab b4 class i'm dosing off...

i've lost it



had a long day yesterday,

missed my class today.



don't feel bad, haven't done anything yet either. i've lost it.

i had this drive this quarter, things were on such a high about 4 days ago

feels like i had the world workin in my favor... how wrong was i?

things since then have plummeted...



i don't understand why?

that god damn car thing really made me feel like an ass



i mean the guy and i had an agreement, then he went with another bidder. after we said ok

i was supposed to get it today.

shouldn't have told anyone about it,

shouldn't have gotten excited about it,

fuck, i should just do what i've been doing for god damn who knows how long, and just wait some more...



the top 5 bondfire was fun, but the drama behind such an innocent activity just demoralized me even more. makes me want to make everything more generic and more bland just cause it's way eaiser on me. makes me wonder why am i even putting in so much effort? i should just ride along and enjoy...



i guess what would make everything better is if i had someone who could hug me and say "it'll be alrite honey" well i have a lot of people who would do that for me, it's just that they'd be mocking me



well, in that case i'll just have to focus on getting my lab done by tomorrow, and that damn meeting i have to go to, what a piece

talkin shit



some people just talk shit...

and some people talk shit to actually cause damage to who they are talking shit about.

fuck those people.



i mean i talk a lot of shit, but it's either in good fun, or mockery of my friends.

seldom do i talk agressive shit about someone. and that's because you have to genuinely hate someone to do so.



what do people hate so much about other people.



you know what i hate, people who talk agressive shit, but are very non confrontational, they just aviod you or they deny the shit that they've blatantly said to other people who you are closer to and have told you that someone's shit talking.



why?

what benefit does hate bring?

got a new layout!

thanks to my friend kim



it's good to have drew looking over my words of wizdumb



=)

something intresting



so i should have something intresting here shouldn't i?

since the title is something intresting....



usually i talk about girls..

or questions i have about girls...

or computers, or girls...



i guess i write a lot about girls don't i? but i mean that's what i think about i guess.. well when i see the screen, and there's a blank canvas, it's inviting for me to express my relations with other people, mostly about girls tho, cause i don't have anyone to talk to about that, so i write it here



you know that person, the 'last call' person...

most people have that last call person, or that anytime call person. i don't really.

that's how you know you're lonely

if you don't have that person.



like most people i know, they'll call someone rite before they go to sleep to say what happened in their day and good nite and all that stuffs... but then there's the other person that you can call anytime and just chat about what's new and stuffs...



i got none of those really, i guess the captian is one person that i call just to shoot shit with, but overall, nobody for that 'last call'



it's 12:58am on tues nite or actually wed morn, and i just wish rite now that i had a last call person that i could call and just talk about nothing with, it's so much nicer than going to bed after a few beers, jay leno, and a cig...



batchelor life, guess i should enjoy it cause i won't some day? rite, keep on telling myself that.



*this post has a very heavy undertone that i'm lonely and need a girl bad, that is false. i just want a sudo-cute girl to call and say goodnite to before i sleep cause i think that'd put me in a good mood before i hit the hay and i'd get good rest.



or i'm lying to myself

who knows?