two weeks in



last night i stopped a candle burning by putting my hand over the opening of the candle holder till the candle suffocated and died. it was a valiant display of masculinity...

what were we doing? it was 4am, and we were playing cards.



with that manly piece of information i'd like to share a metaphore that's been on my mind lately. sparked from the words of my friend "you're not looking for a girlfriend now are you?"



i took that question in and thought about it real hard. not about if i'm looking for a girlfriend now or not, the answer to that is easy, but to why he asked that question? he must see the world much different than i, or maybe he sees me much different than i. we both have different perspectives on both objects.



first i answered the question as such:

i always carry by bow and quiver of arrows, just in case...ya never know when the perfect doe willl pop out of nowhere, but then sometimes i just shoot bunnies and rabbits for fun. just for the sport!



this one gave a chuckle to the fellas and we were on our merry way to drinking, smoking, gabmbling... er more like playing guitar, chess, and cards all on our eventful saturday night.



but this metaphore doesn't fit the bill. it's missing something, it's actually backwards. i'm depicted as the hunter in this fantasy world where in fact i'm not the hunter, i'm more of a guardian. everybody has a large field, which represents their self. some people have a plush, diverse, intresting field, seen by everybody and very straight forward. other's have large walls around their field with guards and rifles. everyone has a dark place in their field where they keep the things that are precious to them. mainly what is referred to as the heart.



most people guard their heart, hide it away and make a fake one for people to come by and check out, and even stomp on when they desire. but then there's the real heart. the one that only a few are allowed into, and moreso than none noboyd leaves, even if that is what is desired.



i guard my heart. there have been a few sly folk who managed to trick me into showing them the real one, and then the decided to step on it...

but with every occurance like that, there are more than enough people who feel as if the almost don't deserve to see the real one and be a part of the sacred area of the field.



who will pass by my field today? i don't know. nobody does.

who will i let into my field today? anyone can come into my field, but i'll show them the decoy heart... only until you prove that you aren't planning to destroy my field, can i show you the real heart.

finally situated



moving is the biggest hassle.



parting with your junk makes you remember good/bad times.



living on the third floor can suck when you don't have an elevator.



classes don't get eaiser as you take them, they get slower. time actually stops during some classes.



life without a computer connected to the internet is almost just not worth it... until the second day



seems like the world of books is also backwards. the get more expencive as time goes on, yet somehow their resale decreases as time goes on. well i guess that sums up my past week of moving in



As i'm sitting in class... i'm thinking something (other than the class material) and it hits me. there are two types of mentalitys. the first mentality is to take everything that one has experienced, and everything that one knows, and choose from those previous memories, which times brings them the most happyness.

on the same level as favorite food. if you ask me what my favorite food is i'll tell you that it was something i've previously eaten. how could something like fried snails, be my favorte food? if i've never eaten them? the only way i could say that they were my favorite food is if i had tried them. now then. i've listened to people talk about intellectual people. how they're so smart that they won't be able to be happy. because they somehow know what fried snails tastes like without even eating them... they've deduced using equations and relations that fried snails will be the best meal ever, and now thye're on a trek to get some fried snails. this is the second mentality. those who see what could possibly be, instead of resorting to past experience, they look to the "perfect" solution.

similar to a teenager. why are teens such pains in the neck? simple, they have this second mentality, which ultimately leads to unhappyness. for example: sally is our teenager. she just spent $200 on new clothes. she sees that her friend martha just got a new car, and wonders geez, why don't my parents get me a new car too! then she looks on to her friend debbie, who's parents just paid for her new snowboard. and sally thinks to herself if she gets a new snowboard, i want a new snowboard... her parents got her one, why can't i have one? all the while, martha is wanting $200 in clothes and a snowboard, and debbie complains to daddy about getting a new car and $200 worth of clothes.

teenagers see what it is that others have, and automatically think to themselves that they should also have that same thing. regardless one can't satisfy a teenager, and so instead of trying to make the teenager happy, we just let them grow out of their stage, and realize how the world works.

these intellectual people now, the ones who see everything that they want and know what it is that will bring them happyness... yet what it is takes so long and so much work to get, that they'll basically find happyness and then die...

i pose a questions to the "intelectual" individual, is it worth it to put yourself thru the torment and unhappyness, to prove that you're simply an old teenager who thinks that fried snails is their favorite dish, without ever tasting them?

is it worth it



i find that in my short life's travels, i've met quite a few intresting people. i can't tell how many because some i just never got a chance to fully get to know. although i do know that i did get along rather well with those people. and that's what makes me sorta sad. i get to meet all these people who make me feel happy that i'm here doing what i'm doing and when things are sort of settling in... it's off to a new place. i'm not sure why the world works like that. well my world does. i end up simply missing people. i hate missing people. i hate missing out. i hate the concept of missing, i wish that humans had short memories when it came to missing people cause it'd be out of sight out of mind, and i guess i'd be happier. it's just that when i leave san diego... the few people who i've sorta gotten to know again, will be doing what they do without me once more, and all i really can do is miss them. and after that, people in college, they'll be just more people to miss.



i guess i just go and forget who those people are that i miss so that i don't have to miss them again... it's not easy to have friends that you don't spend time with and granted if they are good friends then distance or time will not extinguish the friendship, but it sure isn't any fun.



a few of my friends have gone abroad lately. and i miss them already. i'm happy to go back to school for a quarter, but even that it's still going to be hard, leaving the place i've called home in the middle of the year.



i'm somehow not that sad, but i do get mildly annoyed at constantly missing people who single handedly brighten my day everytime. those are the kind of friends that you just can't help but miss.

finding my girl



i wrote something about green grass and dog sh*t, well more than that, but basically. and i got a response saying "you'll find your girl someday when you least expect it..." which is a beautiful thought, but also made me realize that yes, i'm writing about girls. and geez i do write about girls a lot.



in a small conversation with a freind, he asked. i thought you were happy? i thought you liked being single? and you know what i do. being single is treating me good. although there are times when i'm just not all that excited about being single, for the most part, i can picture myself putting a significant other through hell and back. not by choice, nor by chance, but because i change so much, and i'm such a critic that i'd drive them insane.



on the exterior i've been told that i'm a very "chill" or "kick back" sorta guy, i hear that all the time.... but it's only because i am that way about issues that i feel are unimportant. which are in turn very important to other people. i like to think of myself as an artist trapped in an engineer's body. so to the world i'm seen differently than how i really feel. i mean that's my one way depiction of myself, and i'm the only one who can't see myself when i'm out in the crowd, so it could very well be a bit twisted. but it makes me feel good about myself.



i'm a very patient person. sometimes i think a bit too patient.... don't know why, maybe mom and dad had lots of patience with me.



i had this ending on saturday. i'm not sure what ended but it was storybook ending for me. me and three friends went to the beach... we got there and climed on the rocks. the weather was so nice that i sat down and noticed that the already low tide was extremely clear. usually the water here is foamy, and upturned sand pollutes the shore. today was different, it was sparkly clear water with small ripples turning the seaweed. feeling hung over and tired from the night before i layed down and put my hat on top of my face. that was the first time i heard the waves crash on the shore and felt the cool breese refresh my skin from the sun's warm rays. the two guys i was with weren't nap ready so they quickly jumped up to explore more of the strangely beautiful day. the girl who was left also layed down behind me to enjoy the ocean's fresh ora. although she soon got up and slowly left leaving me there alone with the sparkly water, the smooth crashing waves, the cool breese, and my thoughts... for some reason i was at peace, and slipped into what seemed to be a 10min nap. i don't know how long it was but when i woke up, i felt the hangover had left me. i was ameer again. i didn't feel the stomach ache or the sensitive body feeling anymore. strange, but something ended that day and another thing began. i didn't even realize anything there on that rock, except that i'll never be here like this again, ever.

the grass



the god damn grass is so green everywhere... but for some reason when i get

there, it's brown, it's dirt even. it's brown dirt that people take their

dogs to, to take dumps when their dogs have diarrhea.



ok, sounds like i'm pretty mad. i'm not, but i wanted to spit some dog sh*t

humor for those that love it. but one does some thinking after moving a 60

gallon fishtank... at least this one does. thinking about what? girls

that's what! what else, the ultimate, the primero dinero, CHICKS!



ya man, chicks digging it. come to think, i've never seen a chick dig, so

how the hell have i been fooling myself that some chick will dig me. i

dunno... there's just a few factors that pile up like dog diarrhea and

pretty soon you have a stinky mountian of crap that you just can't get rid

of.



i'm referring to the few small problems like why am i such a picky person

when it comes to chicks. on the ride home i was telling

nancy about what i like and

don't like about girls and what girl i was looking for... and in telling her

what i wanted, i concluded that she's imaginery. and that i'm just

preposterous. i also realized, and didn't tell nancy this, but she'll read

it someday... that most of the girls that i hang out with have boyfriends!

i mean, i'm looking for this needle in a haystack, but i'm not even in the

haystack.. i'm out in the barn. looking for the cows that have already been

milked. i guess i'll be one of those guys who's 45, never been married,

drives a red convertible, and sleazily picks up on bored housewives that

have husbands that work all day and don't please their women. i'll prolly

live in an RV but have some rich friend lend me their vacation house, and

pose it as my own.



geez, looks like i've got to change some habits or else it's a grim future.



-this just in, 60% of japanese people have sex among friends "that's like

asking a girl who is your friend to hook it up with a bj" "they also lead

the world with the lowest amount of STDs" -annonymous japanese guy



with stats like that, and knowing that english and american are the talk of

the town over on that island, maybe i should just go back there... i mean

i'd make friends with girls who had boyfriends, but i'd be there friends,

and apparently if i make 10 friends like that, i'm hookin up with 6 of them!

and still living the swinging batchelor life!



no wonder it's so expencive to live there and so many people are in such a

small place.



anyhow... in conclusion, there is none. screw going after green grass...

the green grass is a fake chase!

vague



a few people have asked me why it is that this blog is so vague. it was put by michael, after i posted his poem and then told him i did so, that sometimes i say that there's a couple walking... and other times i describe the details of the imprint of their feet in the sand.



i guess sometimes i want to describe the couple and sometimes i want them to be abstract. most of the time when i read a book and then see the movie i picture the charachters and the scenery much different than the director of the movie. and when i see the scenarios in places that feel wrong i can't relate.



with this methodology (which isn't all that wonderful) i keep a rather vague writing style in order to allow the reader to imagine. or better yet, so that when i go back and read what i wrote, i can hopefully find that my words don't pertain to just one incedent in my life but many.... since the world works in patterns and some patterns are very similar if not exact.



so as i sit in my idle three walled cubicle, and the world around me is ringing, talking, scratching, crumbling, and producing.. i'm in my little hole hiding from the world and secretly communicating to sustain life if not for just one more day. not sure if i'll come out of my cacoon just yet. but some day i'll be forced and i'll either be ready or i won't be.

Jaded



[can't take credit for this one, it's a mickey the rat original]



There are flies in my apartment

Little tiny flies

They fly slow and are easy to kill

Flies in my sink, on my mirror and window sill

I don't know how they got in

Or what they're looking for

But if it's food they want, there's more upstairs

Or next door

Maybe it's because there's plenty to drink

Maybe that's why I've got flies in my sink



And no matter how much I clean

How I dust, scrub, scrape, sweep

There'll always be more flies next week

When I get my check and pay my rent

When I think about all the money I've spent

The money I've saved

The hours I've slaved

Working overtime to buy a nine dollar bottle of wine

Busting my ass

And then I see six flies resting on the lip of my glass

And I wonder:

Should I be angry that there are flies in my sink, on my mirror and window sill?

Or should I be glad that they're slow and easy to kill?



Should I be glad that I bought a new c.d.?

That I got my last oil change for free?

That I recently acquired cable t.v.?



I don't want to sound jaded

I don't want to sound jaded

But I've got thirteen vacation days and nowhere to go

My car needs new tires and I don't have any dough

And when I skip my shower to make work by nine

When the clock strikes five, I yell:

"Now it's time to do something that MATTERS!"

But there's not enough time

Not when I have to be at work by nine

And I feel dirty

And my toilet still won't flush correctly



Should I be angry that there are flies in my sink, on my mirror and window sill?

Or should I be glad that they're stupid and easy to kill?

people and time



there's so many people on this planet that we'll get to meet and know. there's so much time that we have in order to do so. and while everyone is so wrapped up in finding that "perfect" someone, trying to meet "new" people, i feel rather nonchalant about the whole ordeal. why am i not stressing about finding a wife that i can live with forever? because, i've already met her. or at least i think i have.

problem is i just don't know which one she is.



sounds like my theory has a few holes in it doesn't it? well hear me out. this is something i've been thinking about and my older friends have been proving me correct (which i remember since this sort of thing rarely happens) but through kindergarten, up to middle school, over to high school and then to college i've met hundreds even thousands of people. and i've lost contact with most of them. only a few are really people who i consider friends and are close to me. so let me tie this in....

i belive that i've met most of my best friends already. and when i say meet them i don't mean that i currently keep in contact with them (all of them i mean)



see i have heard the story over and over: people know each other thru grade school, or thru college or for some time. then the don't see eachother for years. decades even, and they re-meet eachother. and became best friends or lovers or whatever.



so many times i've heard that. so while everyone's looking for people that they've never met, they most often find someone who they've already met, which is much more comforting considering that if you re-meet someone who you've known of for 10 years, and they're still sane, normal people.. they're much eaiser to trust and whatnot.



anyhow. that's how i look at things. they fall into place somehow without us knowing. but guessing is always fun.

insomnia



today i've got mad insomnia. tonight for that matter. i'm very awake, it's very hot in my room. i miss being on vacation, i could always sleep then. i could do a million positive things like finish unpacking, mix records, write, read, organize my life's tribulations, read friend's blogs, write down good things about each of my friends and family members.

instead i post to this web page in hopes that james will comment on my thoughts and experiences multiple times with the same response.



i realized that i've come a long way, one friend asked me about my theory of girls with their hair up. and so i reverted back to the entry a few months ago addressing the issue. and my writing was so poor, ideas were so scattered and more difficult to comprehend than the reason people buy country music.



i stare at my buddy list and wish for one of those dim names to become bold once again. even though there are names in bold, i just don't feel like that same old conversation with those same old people, leading to that same old suddend end in chatting because both parties have completely lost intrest in the subject matter.



i somehow miss japan (and emi). or maybe i miss the idea of not being here where i'm so comfortable that i become extremely lazy and unmotivated.change is needed. change means living. no change means death. a quick drink and a cig may be exactly what i need to kick start my thursday night slumber...

or maybe cleaning my room would be more beneficial in the long run.

hmph. either way i'm not doing so well am i?

back from japan



i'm back from japan and tired as hell...

that is all for now