regret

i’ve seen geraldo’s talk show once or twice. he has these people on the show who were once skinny nerds that people picked on in high school. they are tell a sad sap story about being teased and how they used those moments for bodybuilding motivation. in a shocking surprise, the bully of our skinny nerd, shows up and is called out onto stage. what happens then? the bully says that they don’t remember this person… they picked on tons of kids and did plenty of harmful things to all the nerds. the bullies forget, the nerds don’t.

i was neither bully nor nerd in high school, i was a crack-slipper-thru-er. my coolness status was a notch below “able to spend lunch with us”, in reference to the “popular” crowd that is. i’d catch some high fives, or “hey what’s, up guy” from the popular kids around campus, but no partying with them on the weekends or even study sessions.

i am reminded of one particular class, my homeroom in 8th grade, i was 13 years old. 12 years ago to this day i can recall the seat i sat in, who sat in front of and beside me. to my left was a popular skateboard druggie punk rock kid. directly in front of me was a short quiet band playing ap student.

teased is an understatement. the boy to my left was known by everyone in the class, and girls liked him. i wanted to be cool with him so i could share in his infinite wealth of popularity. he didn’t pay attention in class, that isn’t something that “cool” kids did/do. instead he chose to jab his pen into the back of the short quiet boy who sat in front of me. i participated in the poking of our small shy boy with my pen. i had a handful of classes before with the poked boy, i knew him and he knew me.

i remember one day i poked him rather hard, leaving pen marks on his clothing wasn’t abnormal. simultaneously the popular kid to my left gave the boy a super huge weggie (grab the underpants and pull up). when i say super i mean the elastic portion of the tighty whiteys had come apart and were now hooked over his shoulder. i laughed.

eventually yearbooks were distributed and that class had come to an end. i handed my yearbook to the boy i teased and asked him to sign my year book.

i realized not that i had been a complete polar opposite of myself. i have no proof but i’m very sure that the boy went home and cried on more than one occasion. what power took over me to want to torment someone who i knew and had nothing against. why did i do such a thing? i bullied the kid, and i remember everything…

he wrote in my yearbook, “probably would have been nicer in another class”.