one word, bakersfield



went to bakersfield the other day...

we left early, too early to hit up this place:









this is the express restraunt, there's also the non express one... what a town, what a town.











(and nobody noticed that i swapped my head from efrain's head in the 4th graduation picture!! guess i'm just THAT good at "photoshopping" pictures!! that was MY graduation where luis is giving me flowers and ef's just along for the ride with his animal house 'college' shirt on. his head does look big doesn't it? i'm off to find more intresting spots to show my face in front of.

and the sun came out





( i wrote this on 6/25/2003 but blogger was down)

but now it's new and improved! the wait was worth it =)





the sun came out yesterday. in more ways than one and no i didn't sun someone. (as opposed to moon someone) things just turned a bit around... my mild depression sorta took a turn for the better, i'm guessing cause i need the sun around. it's a chemical thing. and i know that with chemicals, things aren't good.



but today was the first day i woke up feeling peppy, not like i ran around the room doing jumping jacks and screaming, i still took a 15 min shower where i sat down and brushed my teeth for 5 mins.



but it just felt good today. temporarily. how i realized that there's going to be a nice bumpy painful road ahead. and i don't just mean that as far as the weather. i mean in almost every aspect of my life. work, house, money, girls, friends, hobbies...



i'm looking forward and i'm seeing nothing going smooth, lots of hard work in front of me, and before today all i could do was lay down before it and surrender hoping that a when i wake up my eyes will open to another road, a smooth one, filled with beautiful women, fast cars, money to toss away and, as little work as possible.



instead i opened my eyes and realized that people climb mountians. and they don't climb these mountians just to have a good view, or for the fresh air. they do it cause it's a bitch, and when the look down the mountain they see that bitch and say to themselves "i took that bitch, i took her and i could take her again" so standing at the foot of my own mountian (literally i got shit up in my appt like all over the place, i still have to unpack) i felt that. and i desired to say to that bitch that i took her. i'm in the bitch taking mood. this blog entry was a bitch and do you know what i did with her.

aloooone



today i stayed home, all day (besides the drive down from bakersfield at 8am). i got home, and stayed home. living alone was great 2 weeks ago, but now being alone isn't so great. i find that i'm not a motivator. i need people around me. or maybe it's the weather.

the weather has gotten me down today too.



this half way communication with my computer and the outside world filtered thru my computer monitor/keyboard/mouse

takes the day on 4x fast forward. so the day goes forward. and i feel like i'm on pause.



actually i've even lost motivation to write this blog entry.

and ode to graduating from college



most people would write a poem here or something

i instead chose to use my macromedia fireworks skills:

girls and boobs



i'm not serious about anything. i take life like it comes to me, and when something serious comes along, it's only as serious as i take it. even death, that's serious, but only if you make it out to be serious.



i was thinking how sometimes we feel like nobody knows, like nobody's lost as i've lost, and nobody's been lonely like me, and nobody's loved something like i've loved something, and nobody's been loved as much as i have been loved... but no, people do. every day. every day people go thru what i go thru, people re-experience things that i have already "discovered"



and the only difference between them and me is what we do, our reaction.



elaborating on that would have been a deep abstract theoretical monologue.



while thinking about that nancy was thinking about girls and boobs, and what they have in common...



both are fun to squish

both look good

both imply bad things

both require attention

both get lots of attention

both have nipples

both get you into trouble

both like jason mraz

both bruise eaisly

both can be much more pain and trouble than they're worth

both can surprise you when you "actually see" them



what they don't have in common:



boobs know what they want and understand their purpose here for this life, girls on the other hand ________.

best friend



such an akward phrase.

[definition, according to dictionary.com ]



best:One that surpasses all others.



friend: A person you know well and regard with affection and trust



i find myself thinking about friends a bit these days. who are my real friends? there has been many people in my life who i have called "friend". this is not such a strange thing. there are plenty of people who have liked someone and called them friend, but then after time, a bit down the road found them to not really be a friend. in my case it's not different, i've had people betray me and i've betrayed others. friendships come and gone.

i've also had friendships which i feel are simply out of courtesy. or i disliked someone and i didn't have the heart to say that i didn't really like being their friend. in result i suspected the friendship to just die out because you can't have a one way friendship. when before i know it i'm wonderin how did i ever feel that way towards this person, because i consider them such an asset to my life these days.



so what? time can take you on a whirl, things don't come out as we'd once suspected. that's no new news.



but what is a topic on my little mind is the best friend concept.



if we talk longest friendship then that's one thing.

or else we could explore the friend who knows all your dark secrets.

there are friends who we spend the most time with.

friends whom you most admire.

friends who are more along the lines of a brother/sister than a person outside of the family.



each friendship has a different way of going about.

sometimes i'll not see a friend for years, and call them out of the blue and when we hang out it's as if we saw each other yesterday. there's other friendships that are very sensitive. if a week or two go by then the connection regresses. the friendship has to ease back to the state it was once at, which only happens with time. there's those friendships that are driven on sex, one person finds the other person irresistible and befriends the other... then as the friendship progresses one party is thinking that they're getting closer to finally tasting the fruit that they've worked so hard to taste. while the other party sees a wolf in sheeps clothing. many times it's too late and the wolf makes his kill.. the friendship that is.



of all these different types of friends how is one to choose a "best"? is one better than the other? different things come about from different relationships.

sometime the friend is also a lover, does that omit them or does it by default place them at the no. 1 position?



i've given this a bit of thought initiated by those akward times of hearing someone i consider "one of my best friends" say "oh yea you know _____, my best friend"... and when i do the same.



who is my best friend?

does it change like my best moment in time? like my best song? like my best gpa?

is my best friend my future to be wife?

can my best friend be my dog? does he consider me his best friend or does he just like everybody the same?



after lots of thought i did come up with who my best friend is...



it's a he.

i've known him all my life, he's a lot like me. we don't kick it the most of all my friends, but we don't have to... we're cool like that. when i need help, he's got my back, and i've got his back anytime, you name it. i can't remember the last time i saw him and wasn't forced to crack a smile just cause i know he's my best friend. it took me till about now to realize, but it's ok i got my whole life to know and take advantage of this. some people go around changing best friends like dirty socks... they'll never know what i know. and i owe it to my dad, my best friend.

ze ex girlfriend



i have officially named my new place "the brick" even though i'm not sure that i even have a brick anywhere... It's based on the song: she's a brick house.



But i was thinking (yea, somehow i got a carrot raised in front of the hamster while he was in the wheel) and i have always mis-judged the power of the ex-lover. I now realize that any girl from the time i started college till the day i die, will have a certian undesireable 'power' over me (coleen excluded because her existance proves that cool chicks are not just fantasy)

this power i speak of is not equivalent to the power of a girlfriend. girlfriends have a completely different power, they can make a grown man buy tickets to rent on their own will, and go watch it all dressed up as well. Their power is known as 'you won't get any' power.

Ex girlfriends have a more discrete power over my fellow males, their power is almost undetected as well. until it's too late... they put you in that spot where you think that they should care, and you know that they're still caring about you/your life/your accomplishments/etc... but they hide it so well. they put you in that spot, a spot that is just foreign and unpredictable.

sure guys have the power to make a girl work out till she's as fit as a playboy centerfold so when she sees the guy who dumped her he'll kick is own ass for breaking up with the 20lb heavier version of his ex-girlfriend.



----------train wreck of thought----------



as of lately i've been a bit stressed, don't know why stress has gotten to me, or maybe it's anxiety... well either way i was talking to a fellow co-worker the other day and he was talking about signs.... and how you see signs you are supposed to see, then i read a few blogs and each one mentions the word ainxiety. coincidence, i think so, but man what the heck, i was feelin like ishbalikala yesterday with no regular flu/cold symptoms... i never have really been stressed out, i can keep cool, but with the passing away of my favorite aunt anita, and moving into my own place coupled with working stresses that i've never dealt with before, i can see that i may have had a bit of ainxiety. i've never had someone so close to me die. and i saw her the day before in the ICU she wasn't doing so well...



today is better, and tomorrow i get a key to a place that i can call home for at least the next 6 months. which sounds oh so good to me right about now... in fact my next post will probably be from the beautiful norwalk appartment that i'll be renting out starting tomorrow. yea it's a big leaf but i'm turning it over!

"fag hags"



Disclaimer: the following post is based a little bit on personal experience and mainly on stereotypes, which doesn't make it 100% wrong or 100% right. it lingers somewhere in the middle.



in a recent undocumented poll i happen to notice that my closer friends of the female kind happen to really enjoy hanging out with gay men which deems them the name: fag hags. it is undesireable to have an alarmingly high number of fag hag friends that it puts me into two positions.



-one, the major population deems me gay thys the girls i'm hanging out with are just waiting for my grand exit from the closet.



-two, i have earned the official title of fag hag hag, since i long to hang out with woment who long to hang out with gay men.



this poll started after a short conversation with one of my "fag hag" friends that was starting to get upset with her "fag" (i realize that this is not the nicest, politically correct word to use but it fits the story, no offense intended) it was her realizing that her gay friend wasn't all as fun as the ever so popular show will and grace depicted. at a point it was actually annoying her, and that's where i looked for the reason she was so intrested in haning out with the gay friend. was it because he was gay? or was it based soley on his distinct magnetic and fun-loving personality?



you're now thinking: yea, i got lots of time on my hands in which i do just this, i could have just sat in front of the TV and put a bit more mold on my brain but i instead decided to play bejeweled on my handheld computer till i came up with a topic to write about in my blog that was not only eye opening but also entertaining.



here's the breakdown of my thought process:

-gay men don't do chicks.

-girls don't feel sexual tension with gay guys because of this.

-girls love attention.

-girls love attention from guys

-gay men take care of themselves and look cute

-girls love attention from cute guys

-gay men love attention.

-gay men and girls give each other attention and affection and there's no sexual tension.

-both check out other guys together, which is fun.



straight guys would give the wrong impression, cause if a straight guy is being nice to a girl she automatically thinks that he wants her in bed. she could be getting the wrong impression.



so complex? i don't know... do women also fantasize about watching/interacting with two men engaging in sexual activities?



quick synopsis of the male mind:

-lesbians like chicks.

-two chicks doing it is hot.

-doing it with two chicks is even hotter.



that's why a guy would want to hang out with lesbians.

and why a girl would want to hang out with a gay man.