oldness as a disease





there are times, not very frequent time, but random times when i find myself very depressed. it doesn't last long, and it isn't something that i'm worried about, it's more of a realization.



i've gone from the warm bubbly jacuzzi to the big cold swimming pool. shock. i find myslef golfing, driving around saying stuff like "well that's just a beautiful house right there" and sleeping early. i've always gone fishing, but lately it's only the more lavish style of fishing, not the dirty, outdoors-ish type that requires climbing fences, breaking tresspassing laws, and steep cliffs. waking up early has already been ingrained in my system and sleeping early is a result as well.



why do i get depressed? because this is what my life has come to? no i enjoy the 7am start time and the morning tea while checking my email. i look forward to company golf tournaments and i really enjoy the paycheck part ot joining 'the real world'.



the spurt of depression comes from those memories that i made in college when i really tested my boundaries. when i desired something and searched out to find it. i especially miss raves. good raves. october 13 1998, saturday night... that night started it all. my first rave. i recall that it was actually holloween that night. i got all dressed up, my friends did too.. we didn't know what we were getting into. but we wanted to find out



so off to downtown LA and a new lifestyle.



it's sad that the life of a raver is so short. raves depend on drugs, and therefore depend on drugs... sooo good for sooo short, and never again quite as good as before.



there were days that i'd wake up, knowing that i'm going to a rave that night, and just be excited, have a gleaming glow about me and all that i encountered that day would be well since i had a great night to look forward to. that night the adventure would start, finding the rave, finding friends, finding everything we needed to find in order to pull as much as we could from the night. we'd dance, we'd talk, we'd skip, we'd just wander through a sea of kids dressed to their own imagination's desire, meeting old friends, making new friends.



i remember what fond memories i had of these times. and i remember the feeling that i had when i was right in the middle of having 'the greatest time ever' and now i am depressed for two reasons. first of all, if i could go find such a place, if it existed today, i know i would not enjoy it, i would desire something from the pool, not the jacuzzi. i've moved on, rather been pushed along by father time, lord knows people try to stay as long as they can, but eventually are deemed "that old guy at the party"



life after the jacuzzi is good, i'm going to swim in the pool till the water becomes comfortable. which it will, it's just that i'm still tingling from the shock of jumping in from the jacuzzi...

what's next?

the sauna? back to warm i hope, lots of warm in a small place seems to be what i get along with best.