the last day of the year
let's reflect, this year i got older. so did everything else. i became less sensitive to almost everything since i'd been dealing with everything for one more year.

birthdays are more like the new years for me, cause that's MY new year. it's different, today is like everybody's birthday, tomorrow i guess.
i'm driving to LA soon to go and have fun with some friends and whatnot, i'm going alone though, and coming back alone too probably... but i really feel bad for that dude at 7-11 who's gotta work right thru new years.

sucks sometimes doesn't it...

new years resolutions? me? totally, to worry less. grey hairs are the one thing that i would like to prolong... chicks don't dig guys with grey unless they've also got lots of green! i got neither.

impressing chicks is pretty low on my prioritiy list.... i'd really like to impress myself, that'd be a treat. i often make fun of people for holding "impressing chicks" as their highest priority. that's the majority's mentality. i personally mock that lifestyle simply because it's so primitive, and if i could, i'd make myself not-so-primitive. not saying i'm better than anyone, but my intentions are... i'll stick by that.

example: one friend of mine asks another friend of mine, what are your passions in life?
she didn't know...

you ask me that same question, and i would definitely be able to pull 2-3 things that i'm TRULY passionate about.
-music, computers, cars, fish, technology... there's more that i enjoy, but those are the first things that come to mind.

most people are not that way. they do those things to keep themselves occupied...
i do them or enjoy them cause i yearn to know more and experience more about these things... whereas i see the masses focused on one thing, chicks.. or better yet sex. that's the focus, that's apparently the ultimate goal for everyone. sex sells right?

well for you, not me. not saying i don' t like chicks, i just like other things too.

AND i'm home...
it's good being here... i mean not really very crazy and exciting. but that requires work.... and i'm not a worker. i'm watching the disney channel and surfing my favorite web sites

so yea i'm here, the only child. my brother's in italy, and my sister's out with friends. i haven't even changed out of my pj's all day... i have a perpetual stuffy nose which runs like a marathon runner.

i miss school.. i'm going back on friday... but i miss the social atmosphere.. i miss the cute girls walking to class, and the hand shaking of various friends. i never thought i'd say "i miss school". perhaps i should rephrase to "i miss college".

i'm alone here!
i'm enjoying the tranquility of relaxing and not doing much. gotta enjoy it while it's here...

i'm also getting really good at tossing trash into the trash can from the computer desk!

we get so used to things, things that we shouldn't get used to.

and all of a sudden, those things that we're used to and comfortable with go away. and what? first thing that happens, someone says: "you don't know what you've got till it's gone." -thanks for driving the nail a bit deeper.

people come and go. and as soon as you're comfortable and dependent on someone or something, there's a vulnerability you just opened yourself up to. if they leave, you're hurt.

"in grief and nothing, i'll take grief" - ferris buler's day off.

better to have had and lost ya know.

it's good to reflect on the past and chuckle in your head about how things were.

i miss my granny bird.

here at work.

yo i'm here at work

i'm getting a headache from being here at work

i don't accomplish ANYTHING here at work

people don't like me here at work





but i get paid to do nothing here at work



maybe you should try being here at work.

i just got out of the shower with my backpack

and i do most of my thinking in the shower... here's where my thoughts took me today:

my dream girl goes something like this, pretty on the outside, yet rugged on the inside. she can watch football, shotgun a beer, drive a stick shift car, and eat a 20oz steak for dinner.

my ideals are not abnormal, most men like women who are overall feminine yet also carry masculine traits.

SOOOO....

let's use some deductive reasoning, since i've been forced to use it for the past 17 years of schooling. girls should like guys who like girly things! (is this what they call getting in touch with your feminine side?)

well lets say for example stationery... honestly i dig cute stationery. plain and simple. i like stickers, pencils, pens, paper, envelopes, writing letters, getting letters, pencil boxes... i mean lots of people say that my hand writing looks "like a girls" which i think is shullbit, my handwriting is neat, you can see the letters. most guys i know have illegible handwriting. so i can see why people say that... but i mean, the main point here is that girls DON'T dig guys who are girly...

i mean, girls think that gay men are so hot, but does that work the other way around?

girls can be girly and manly and still be attractive. men on the other hand need to follow a much stricter path in order to attain a desirable state. maybe i'm being one sided and that actually means girls have it worse. they have to be 2 things not one?

either way, my backpack's real clean now, and so am i.

gosh i've been ignoring my blog... but for some reason i'd like to think that that means that i have a life, away from my computer... if there is such a destiny for me. i mean i just can't get the damn thing right, so i keep putting work into it so that i'll be able to conquer that piece one day...


not that i don't enjoy doing stuff, for example tonite, go to pacific beach, to a club called plan b
thursday see soulstice in la
friday see zero 7 in la
sat mom's bday
sunday back to irvine
monday-wed snowboarding
thursday-i'm reserving this day as of now to just relax, enjoy my break... pretend that i'm in the middle of summer vacation.. that point where you've gotten far enough away from classes that you can't remember them, and where classes are far enough away that you don't have to think of them...

kinda like the riddle: how far can a dog wander into the woods? A: halfway, cause when he wanders further, he's close to the other side.

those two have nothing in common. but i like that.

~sigh~



finals are over for me, the quarter is over for me. i need to relax... but i'm working 4:30 - 11:00

my quick day: studied, came home, read kim's blog then did the colorgenics profile which told me what my problems were and how to solve them....



It is strange that the anxiety that you are experiencing at this time is of your own makings simply because of your desire to be respected by your fellow man and with those whom you work with. You are not satisfied. The normal congenial "you" is becoming quite introverted. This is becoming increasingly more obvious because you seem to shy away from participating in everyday activities ... You are refusing to allow yourself to become involved, or to participate with others and it is the reluctance to communicate that is the inherent cause of your problems.



that's what they're telling me, i'm anti-social, and i'm missing out on lots of fun cause of it...



i beg to differ, my quest for insanity is ongoing... just being anti-social isn't enough to achieve a mental breakdown... SOOO to help out i frantically purchase computer accessories that i'm set on making my life a better one... yet hands down, everytime, i pull hair by the hand-full to get them working. then once i've done that, something else goes wrong...



so beat and i went to the pomona computer show "computer swapmeet" and well i spent about $80 on three goodies! a usb hub, cause well you always need more right? a UPS (uninterupted power supply)<- it's pretty, and matches my case, it's black! which i got for 36.00, then saw at fry's for 119.00, and a webcam! whoo hoo! how cool is that three fun things!!!



until i came home and set them up...



ups, fine, great, stable, even looks cool... it could get chicks!



usb hub, HA, it even has 2 LED's -> and i LOVE LED's!!!



BUT the webcam, oh i had to get a webcam.... now for some goddamn reason my TVtuner won't open, says that the driver's being used by something else... what a piece... that's well almost kinda expected....



BUT now my burner isn't recognized... wtf? where does that come from? who does this? do normal people experience this?



at times like this i don't know whether to cry or laugh, both, neither, walk away, ask someone, or just simplify... but these days i've been very focused on 2 things, the first thing is obviously my computer, secondly i've been focusing on me.... i'm lonely, i'm content, i'm overwhelmed, i'm not sure. the only thing that really keeps my attention are girls and learning about my computer. i'm honestly really bad at both though. it's not the girls OR my computer though, it's ME! i could call more girls, but i'm very hesitant to call people... daily i pick up my phone and scroll down the names, i'll see one of someone that i'd like to call, but then think of every reason to not call them... then go on like that till the list's end... it'd be so easy to just push talk and say "hey what's up, what are you up to?" am i really THAT afraid of them saying "i'm busy, can i call you back?" this is ME here... i have faced rejection time and time again... what's wrong with this micro-rejection? it's so small, but i look at it thru a microscope and it appears pretty big, i'm an idiot.



besides that... i've figured out that i'm in love with Lain... she's a highschool student, who ends up being the one chosen to bring the wired world and the real world together, once she does this, she decides that it's wrong and then erases herself from history. i think she's a lesbian though, cause she is in love with Arisu, who's pretty hot too.



if you haven't figured out, lain's a cartoon. i feel like her lots of the time though. she's a bit of a social outkast, she likes being by herself, but she likes her friends too. she's not hip, and she's not understood, thus disregarded. i think her and i would have fun if we kicked it... well if i was a bit younger... and yea she'd not be a 12 episode cartoon.



ok so my conclusion is that life isn't at what i expect, so i focus on my computer to keep my mind off of it... and well that turns out making things worse. it's an open loop system (for those of you who've taken a control's class) and those suck!!



this is getting long.. but shit. i'm not writing for anyone but me, sometimes i don't want to write stuff here cause i am not sure what people will think of it, and then it'll be weird when they seem me... but then i don't know who reads this? virtually anyone in the world could, but then those chain letters say that only 1% of the world owns a computer... HA, if everyone in the world owned one, the frustration level among populations would dramatically increase and result in mad hysteria... oh wait... lain tried that already and she ended up erasing herslef from history, and everyone's mind... so eventually i'd end up doing that i guess... hmph, not worth the trouble.



i'm also starting to like the girl in Angelic Layer her name is Suzuhara Misaki, she's pretty dope too, but she's a freshman in highschool who has a crush on Koutarou...



i usually don't conclude my writings very well... and i figure that the reader should conclude what he/she read, instead of me tellin them what they should think about my writing... but this time i seemed to do just that.. well kinda.. shit. ok that's all. peaceoutlates

it's friday, feels like a tuesday... my friends from highschool went to vegas today... they've all graduated and are working/freelancing so they can afford to go to vegas the week before finals!!

i'm so happy for them... they're not happy for me

i was walking on campus yesterday, and i realized that walking is nice... i walked slow, and enjoyed walking... you should try it.

i'm not that old... 22 isn't that old you know... i've been hung up on how old i am for quite some time. but i'm not. i'm young... if i was a dog, i'd only be like 2 1/2 years old (in people years) and my dog's 12!!!! (also in people years) -where the hell am i going with this? (one may ask) it's not that i'm old, i'm a kid. it's just that for the timing and placement i'm at, i'm old.

i have been here for 4 years. i'm on my 5th. not too many people do that. thus i'm one of the older people here, but in respect to the world, or the country, hell even the working class... i'm a baby. -and i like it that way, i'm not expected to know anything

btw these finals we're going into are the 13th set of finals i've taken at uci... what's worse is that i have 3 more to go, that's 16 finals weeks, what a big number! my friends i had lunch with today are about to experience their 1st!

your interesting facts for today: this blog is THE most boring blog, sorry for having to read it today, tomorrow will be more interesting.

this thought has been with me for a while...

for some weird reason the kids around me have been talking about schizophrenia, and they say that they're going crazy and whatnot... ok, so realistically, they're not... and they know they're not, they're just messing around or whatever...

but then i think about myself? and the crazy people. being crazy is like being an alcoholics, sorta... alcoholics don't know that they're alcoholics, or smokers... smokers say that they can quit anytime but they just choose to not do so... in reality, you and i know that it's not that simple... everyone's seen a miserable smoker trying to quit...

that's not my point.... people who are really crazy, aren't aware of it. people who are think they're normal, yet aren't -that's what makes them crazy! they're oblivious to the condition they're in.

i wonder, many people tell me that i "think differently" or that i'm very blunt (when i feel that i'm beating around the bush). i've been trying to think outside my head, or at least see outside of it. how other people see me... i hope that they don't think i'm crazy, i validate not being crazy by knowing that i'm not, or thinking that i am.


-> a friend of mine once said "i wish people would make fun of me too" he then explained how people only make fun of you when they are comfortable with you.

->funny thing just happened now. my roommate came in and said that some dude came up to him and started pushing christianity on him... my roommate doesn't believe in christianity... but he's passive so he let the guy go on... so the guy asked him his name, and my damn roommate said "MY NAME [not his]".... and you can guess what he did when the christ pusher asked for my roommate's email....
so yea, i'll be getting some bible study emails soon i suspect

whoopdie-freakin-doo

attention: i have lost something very important. everyone refers to it as motivation. the real down side to this loss is that i'm the only one that can find it.

that's a piece... go to www.high-entropy.com for extensive information.

well on the pick-me-up side of things... i had lunch with Kim today! that was fun.. by far the best part of my day... we talked, but it seemed like i talked... lately i noticed that that's what i do when i'm not in my comfort zone.

i'm not a good listener. when i'm around someone that i don't know very well, i talk... i'm afraid of that deepak* moment, you know that moment that's awkward silence right after a funny story, or just a story.

so i try to aviod that by talking, and talking.... i first noticed it with eric when we went to the museum... i just talk too much, after i noticed that then, i noticed it everywhere!!! with everyone!!!

so today i noticed that i was doing it with kim during lunch, and i felt bad, she's a cool chick that i really think is interesting, and what she has to say is much more interesting than 90% of the BS conversations that i have daily while walking to class and what-not... but couldn't do anything about it. gosh i'm an asshole, how long has this been going on with me unconscious of it? how many people have i pissed off cause i don't listen to what they say and then cut them off while they're talking, and then keep on talking, and talking...

communication is the foundation of a relationship... i'm trying to play basketball without knowing how to dribble

*deepak: founder and president (also a member) of the "awkward silence club"

so i'm sittin here.. where i always sit when i type in here..

but yea, today i had lunch with angel, that was lots of fun i miss hanging out with her, she's sweet.

then i had a korean test.. that wasn't too bad, i love my teacher, she's one of my favorite teachers at uci, she's my korean mom i swear.
some of the kids don't like her, and when they're rude to her i take offense, but it's cause she's so patient with me and so kind. she really believes in me too and is always acting impressed. makes me feel good... not many teachers do. at least it feels that way at times.

i'm listening to takako minekawa.. her songs are so random and varous. i really wish i had more exposure to different artists... everyone is so category crazy! and on top of that, we're choked with the mainstream.

i've also been listening to Takako Minekawa , thanks jo for introducing us.

damn man..



i'm so not smooth...



i was here complaining about stuff then i hit a link, and my browser went there, when i hit back my text was gone... oh well... wasn't meant for you to read.. those of you reading.



i got a 100 gig harddrive today, to go with my 40 gig and 20 gig.... slowly but surely i will be the ultimate nerd. you should see my fish lain, she's beautiful, and julia likes her too...



that's about it.



wish me luck, i need to know korean to get thru tomorrow!



ameer

back here in costa mesa, i missed ASC (my computer's name), i missed julia and lain (my fish), i missed how dirty my room is and how i have no time to pick up anything since i'm lazy and have work from 12-8.. which is practically all freakin day!! what makes it worse is that it's at the main library, which just sucks.

i had a good thanksgiving though... oh man, so much food, saw some people i hadn't seen in sooo long. it was great. i hung out with my family, we did some housework... can't be a real visit home without some housework.. yup, i put in a ceiling fan and a new kitchen faucet... it was ok though.

pause *i'm too tired to complete this*

so i'm home here at 2:10pm...



i'm listening to one of my favorite songs, even though i can't name it for you, maybe that's why... it's similar to that one girl, the one you rarely see, and when you do, you don't know anyone who knows her, her name, nothing about her you know except what you see... in this case what you hear. so you use your imagination to fill in the holes and she is then perfect... till you find out she was with that jerk in your class, or her brother is that guy you gave the finger to yesterday, or something like that happens and well she's not too perfect or you've just goofed it up... where am i going with this, yea this one's pretty off the wall, i don't know if anyone could really track me on this one, but what i'm trying to say is that i dont' know if i want to find out who does this song cause what if it's someone wack, like alice deejay or something?



my fav song's stock would drop immediately.. and i'm not having that!



OR, it could be some artist i've never heard of and would love all of their other work, and i mean considering that miguel migs spun this it's prolly the latter, but i'm very cynical so i elaborate on the previous more.



(for those of you who are interested [and very bored] the song can be heard on http://djla.com under dj's then go to miguel migs, then towards the top click audio, then hit friday nite cooking, it's a quicktime stream... but my song is exactly at 38 mins) i tried to link it here, but that's my first link,we'll see what happens...



Miguel Migs My roomate Luis went to this... I'm quite jealous. <-and he wrote that!



the set is a hella good one, maybe it's so good cause my damn roomate went to it and i didn't cause i had a spop pre-party or something like that....

this is my first blogg from work.

up i'm here in the science library copy center, this is the second largest science library in the united states, first being? well who the hell knows that kind of stuff?

that was rhetorical. anyhow, so i went to see the meteor shower last night with sirimal, darren, darren's wife, and kid, sherrie, luis, erik, lindsay, briz, am i forgetting anyone? don't think so... anyhow, it was fun... erik had a 10" diameter telescope that we could see jupiter, saturn, i didn't check out "your-anus" yea that joke wasn't said at all last nite. but yea it was some good wholesome fun. we had a pre-thanksgiving meal too, turkey, ham, stuffing, all the in's and out's of a real thanksgiving was there...

i got to say, that this thanksgiving is going to be a pretty good one. i've got ngoc's place having a thanksgiving party on tuesday, duy's place having a thanksgiving potluck on wed, then i got thanksgiving at aunt anita's... that's a total of 4 thanksgiving celebrations! honestly i'm really glad about that. i'm loved!

ok well i'm gonna start working now, or go back to work...

here i am, it's like 5:something, and i'm at home with the light on on my computer, not learning how to make a damn web page.... what am i doing!!! i should be learning damn dreamweaver but i'm not, i'm lazy i'm good for nothing!



ok actually today was pretty dope, and i'm gonna have to say why.. so i'm working at the sci lib and it's really lame, nobody's there, except there's me, the two dudes at the info desk, and the two LSMs (library security monitors) so we're all behind the info desk watching fightclub on dvd on the computer there, and my friend sheila comes in and says hi to me, then angel walks out and gives me a nice hug, and then i see ngoc's roomate debbie walk in and this all happened within the same half hour.. i though of it as nothing, but the guys behind the counter with me were all like DAMN, yer the pimp, and then started bowing to me "you know all these hot girls..."



i let them think that i had each of those girls around my pinky finger, but truth is that all those girls: i not only don't know all that well, but there's no way that they have interest in me... so i'm pretty much NOT the pimp... but the respect from those guys WAS pretty tite, it was a confidence booster that i guess in these rather low times just can't hurt, right?



anyhow, if you have read this far and are continuing, you may want to check out a milestone in my nerd-style life... i HAVE been linked! yup, many many thanks to the wonderful kim nguyen, www.madpimp.com she's not only my friend who has a pretty entertaining web site, but she also has linked me from her website! whoo hoo, my first link EVER! now if the guys don't think that i'm the pimp for that, i don't know what else gets the chicks?



so yea, those are my two interesting moments of the past few days, oh and elisa called me today, that also made me feel good. but not great, great would be if i got sound to work on my computer again, i switched the damn soundcard from one pci slot to another during my case changing event and it needs to be reinstalled, but for some reason the driver i have that the card came with just won't do the trick...



what's cool is that i just wrote that paragraph (run-on sentence) and know what it means, nerds are cool no matter what ANYBODY says

so today i spent $133.00 at fry's electronics...

what was i thinking?

welp, i got nobody to spend my money on but me... and i need a new power supply since mine died last night... so i put a bit more money and got whole new computer case with that power supply! why not eh?

cool thing tho was that at the checkout there was a girl. she wasn't the cutest girl, but she had a nice smile. she said the case was $119 and i said there was a tag that said it was $89 so she went to the opposite corner of the store to ask the dude, then she came back and said sorry.. i was like you sure you saw the red tag? she's like lemme go check again, it took some time both times, cause fry's was pretty big, but she always came back with a smile.. she came back the second time and she's like sorry i'm kinda new and i couldn't find it, what do you wanna do?
i was like i'll show you if you want to go and check it out with me.. she was ok with it, so we went and we had some small talk on the way there...

the point here is that she was flirting with me, after my purchase she asked me to fill a small evaluation out and i did. i said some nice things about her and she asked me how old i was, i knew she was young, but wasn't sure, cause she wore lots of makeup, she guessed me 19!! which made me stoked, specailly since i hadn't shaved and had a scruffy face. so yea, it was dope then i told her i was 22 and i asked why are you 19, she's like no i'm 18.. (note that's the age of my spoppers)

anyhow, i walked outta fry's happy for two reasons instead of one this eve... the first one is the 10 bay antec black computer case with door, key, and lock.. the second is someone flirting with me... hey it boosted my self esteem for the drive home!

the people....


it's all about the people


this weekend, i:

worked till 9pm friday, went home for 45mins then went out to la, a bar/club called bordners, it was fun, me luis jo and sonic went.
next day i was at pasadena noon time with eric, we cruised the museum saw some van goh's some picasso's and lots of other stuff... we then ate some mexican food and were back home to work on bikes.
he left for the bball game and i talked to e**** till i had to get ready for the f.a.m.i.l.y. party, (Fun And Music I Love You) it was fun, me beat jeff boba and jo went...

sunday i went to work for 6 long slow hours then that nite was pull, la's only weekly 2 step club at 360 a club on the 18th floor of a building in la, it was fun me jo luis and sherrie went to that and met up with some others....

but overall the weekend wasn't anything spectacular... i hung out with people that i really like and are my close friends, but then why wasn't it a fantastic weekend? just an ok one...

the people, it's all about the people and when there's not one person there, it can make all the difference. it's like, a missing ingredient to your favorite food, it just wouldn't be the same if your pizza had no cheese on it... just sauce and pepperonis!? might be ok for some time,

but i like eating cheese, i eat cheese by itself.

it worked!!! i'm not an idiot! i can work an online diary! what do ya kno?

so anyhow, i was reading my friend's web site, actually she's kinda my friend, i don't really know her but she was one of my spoppers so that's kinda knowing her... but yea i read her blog and she was wondering why people are nice? nice at all? why am I nice?

welli figure that i'm nice cause i like to make people feel good when i feel good, and also to let people know that they make me happy when they're around me.

that's my response.



sorry if any of this has typo's i'm not paying much attention cause i'm watching "record of lotoss war" i downloaded it, and i'm watching it on my OTHER monitor, cause ii got 2 of em! muhahahah

i'll post a pick someday of myself and my nerd station. more later