my firiend sent me this, made me smile!

12:18pm testing comment adjustments

lonely



i work at the library by myself at a desk, nobody comes to my desk cause i'm the security guy

i have 2 of my three classes with no friends, nobody i know in either

and at 11:30pm when i get home, nobody's home.



i'm lonely



i sift thru my phone list and see names of pretty girls and cool guys

but i don't desire to talk to any of them,

or just don't have the confidence to call any of them



i'm lonely



reflecting back i wish i would have taken advantage of being partners with tomoko

she said i was her number one, and i though she was very pretty

i felt uneasy around her cause i had this idea that she was better than me and i didn't fit in with her

she didn't feel the same way.



now i'm just an idiot



i also reflect back on kim and why we broke up...

i don't know why, i sometime wish we hadn't, i sometime wish i could call her

but we did, and i don't

it's been almost a year



slowly i progress to pathetic



i lay in bed and think of what to post here.

i sit in class and fantasize about learning new skills and improving myself to be more like those who i admire.

i mess up and dwell on it, then later put myself down for being imperfect, resulting in poor confidence and poor performance.



being aware of your problems is the first step.



"first thing is that you have to know what you don't know" -my dad

this time

i wrote a lot last time.



this time i'll be minimal. cause i've gotta have balance like that. high-entropy in a control volume is still mad disorder, with some order.



note: *this is a non-girl oriented entry

the mainstream is polluted



so I’ve been thinking about girls lots on my blog. Why’s that? Well let’s see… cause the mainstream is polluted.



All the new mtv songs, most movies, all daytime tv (including the talk shows), all those damn forwarded emails… those are the mainstream and they’re all polluted with one main theme. Relationships.



Once the mainstream gets a hold of this concept and constantly resells it to the masses… everything that’s interesting is interesting because the mainstream said it was.



How many times have you walked in on a girl girl conversation and they both just stop talking and look at you with that “I didn’t eat the last cookie” face? All the time… why, cause they were talking about boys, and didn’t want you to hear.

What about all the gossip… how juicy is it to hear who slept with who’s boyfriend, or who has the hots for who...



Now let’s use the old technique of creating a parallel to this world, one which seems very silly, and then bounce one off the other and see what we get:



Let’s say that the mainstream desides that it wants to change it’s subject of regurgitation from relationships and significant others to schoolwork. -> coulda picked a better example, but we’ll see what happens here….



So. We come home from school in our car, listening to songs about school, done by 4.0 students, to come home finding each our roomates quietly and intensly studying. There are tv shows on people who take 30 units a quarter and still manage a 3.7gpa. I surf the internet and download practice quizzes from other university classes and take them at my lesure to kill some time. Some guy gets a 50% on a final and it’s all over school, everyone knows, they’re all wispering about it and giggling.



Parents repremand kids for studying too much and ask why you don’t work on relationships more often. “why don’t you have your girlfriend sleep over more often?!? Instead of going out with those damn friends of yours to the library every weekend”



Switching school and relationships is such a weird concept, and that in itself is a weird concept. If It’s so hard for me to imagine relationships as NOT the number one priority amongst the average human being, then that means that the world will probably not change anytime soon.



Personally I feel that I’ve created such a bubble to live in, I block out what I don’t want to see and take in all of what I’d like to, I’ve sudo-managed to create my own mainstream. In this case defining mainstream as: “the masses that one follows” around me it feels sometimes as though everyone listens to house music. Or at times it feels like everyone’s been in spop. Or that everyone is an engineer. There are many times though, where this is not true at all… and I feel like the outcast that the global mainstream looks down upon.



Typical question: hey ameer what music do you listen to?

Typical answer: I like house music. And japanese music.

Typical look: (what the hell did he just say, he didn’t say hip-hop and r&b what’s wrong with him?!) *head nod with nothing to say*



Now, *back to the mainstream is polluted theme* I have made it so that my mainstream doesn’t weigh the relationship so heavy. Where it’s something that comes second to that which is important. Ultimately I am happy without a relationship… not that I suppose it’s better because I have replaced that mainstream ultimate goal of having a significant other and achieving bliss with many ultimate goals in order to achieve bliss, ex learning to mix, learning computers, learning to skateboard, producing good music, inspiring people, moving to san francisco, making interesting/exciting/weird friends…

Currently I feel that if I accomplish a list like this I’ll have brought more satisfaction to my life than any significant other. *it’s hard to imagine the most beautiful girl completely adoring me* but it’s not hard to imagine having the talents and doing the things that I listed above. Maybe that’s why i weigh the list over the pretty face.



Idealy I could find a girl who is that list, then have her completely adore and fall in love with me. I’d show everyone.

But realistically… who are we kidding.



In engineering classes we learn that if the maximum weight that something has to carry is 100 lbs. we multiply it by the factor of safety ( a number between 2 and 5) and make it to those specs. Why? Cause shit happens. And It’s best if you’re prepared for it.



Where am I going? -> I want to check everything off on that list. But I know I’ll only get half of it done, if that. Or get all of it checked off but all of it will be not to the degree which I desire.



Beware, the mainstream is polluted and it’d out to get you

i just read adam's web site and now i want to sum up the last year in 20 or less words.



here goes, 2001:



ok, i put in some phrases too...



1 unmotivated

2 hi-bye friends

3 computers

4 music

5 lonely

5 frivolous

6 cold mornings

7 loong days

8 freshmen

9 reflection

10 regret

11 pitiful

12 searching

13 dependant

14 ostracized

15 giddy

16 restless

17 scared

18 hiding

19 messy

20 normal



yea- i think i was a bit disappointed this past year. simply cause this coming year has been better already. i had about 4 really good months last year, out of 12, that's not impressive. but i'm never impressive with numbers.

nothing



nothing comes to my mind when i look at this web page these days. specially cause i look at my friend's pages and they're so neat and personalized... then there's mine which is all generic, colorchanging (whoopie)



i'm the only one who can change my web site. i do change it almost everyday, but putting more words on it... but more needs to change! more needs to be accomplished and more needs to be learned



i'd love to have someone sit down and give me a half-day crash course in how to do basic html. but shit like that isn't going to happen.

i wanted to learn how to put a computer together. it took me 6 months to get it to work, and now that it does, i'm happier than a clam, but i had to reasearch, learn, ask specific questions... it was painful, almost like a 4 unit class.



i didn't want someone to do it for me, cause then i'd not know it. and would still have to rely on them if i wanted any change.



so now i've got to have the same initiative with my web site. someday www.high-entropy.com will be more than two .gif's i'm the one who's got to be motivated, but it's hard to do so.



*10 mins later*



school's the same exact thing, with one large difference: no desire.



i WANT to learn html, i desire that knowledge and admire those who have it.





school, well school i don't desire. never have. didn't see the point.

i have learned how to solve a non linear, non homogenious, complex root, 5th order differential equation. but i'll prolly never ever see one again. whereas there's kids learning how to write, and other kids learning how to compose programs, and then other kids learning to do things that are cutting edge. things that are new and that people are talking about...



i'm learning shit that people though was old in the 1800's



yet people tell me that i'll get a job cause i'm an engineer. it's like being with a girl you don't like, but you can't break up with... that's the pits

i feel like writing.



me feeling like writing is like when you go to a concert and see your fav band play... you want to go home and play like they do! although when you DO go home and try, your attept is shitty and being discourage causes you to quit and focus attention onto other things ie sex, beer, tv... (is there anything else?)

no really, but you know what i mean.



i feel my writing isn't what it could be, i try to only guage things with respect to my goals, and my potentials. which i feel haven't been reached... i don't think they ever will be reached though, cause as my goals always change with respect to my potential, which grows as time increases... it's like an inevitable loss for me.. but what i'm ultimatly hoping is that somehow by persuing this plan i'll eventually end up a good writer, with repsect to everyone else this time though...



seems pretty silly. i don't take writing classes. i don't enjoy reading books.



how do i suppose i'll get any better, what runner gets faster mile times by never running? will i keep on this track of only writing occasional emails, blog entries, and aim sentence fragments and aspire to become a decent writer? maybe i should re-think my gameplan?



besides that? do you guys who read/write blogs think about what you're going to write when you're sitting idle or doing something that requires as much thinking as walking or driving? i do.



i think my theme for this blog is to understand what it is i don't know. "you always have to know what you don't know" -my dad



like whenever i have a question, or an idea that i don't quite understand, i post it here and try to answer it. that's why i guess the title here is 'am i wrong? (to hunger)' cause i am hungry! ~> for information



even stranger, on kim’s web site, my link says ameer:wonder which I asked her about and she said that she made a mistake cause she accidentally checked it out and thought hunger was wonder.. or something like that… but it makes sense, that’s the strance co-insidence

and i'm here...



it's sat nite, i'm in my room. by myself...



so i'm not some big pimp daddy like you all thought... you can all snicker at me in discust now, i don't care.

that's the point, i don't care.

i think it's the time of the quarter, around 8-9th week i get completely burnt out. i have so much fun and work piled up. i end up not caring about either of them...



i don't even care about my blog... i've read everyone's updated blogs in order to be inspired and write my own, but i still don't have much motivation...



and then my friend christine told me some sad news... just brought my already sad self to a sadder state.

so in talking to her i gave her my life's philosophys



1.) hope for the best, expect the worst

2.) i'll cross that bridge when i get to it

3.) you can't catch a fish if your hooks not in the water



simple, primitive, cut and dry...

that's the only way i can understand things though. school's taught me to simplify all my answers or i'll lose points.. which is reasonable cause who'd know that .5625 is only 9/16ths...



simplicity is most often the more complex way of thinking

just learned something pretty interesting:



if you have like oh lets say your next blog almost ready to post and you hit the escape button.. it erases all the text in the window where you type. i just learned that the not so easy way...



it was a good post too, i'll try again tomorrow