the last day of the year
let's reflect, this year i got older. so did everything else. i became less sensitive to almost everything since i'd been dealing with everything for one more year.

birthdays are more like the new years for me, cause that's MY new year. it's different, today is like everybody's birthday, tomorrow i guess.
i'm driving to LA soon to go and have fun with some friends and whatnot, i'm going alone though, and coming back alone too probably... but i really feel bad for that dude at 7-11 who's gotta work right thru new years.

sucks sometimes doesn't it...

new years resolutions? me? totally, to worry less. grey hairs are the one thing that i would like to prolong... chicks don't dig guys with grey unless they've also got lots of green! i got neither.

impressing chicks is pretty low on my prioritiy list.... i'd really like to impress myself, that'd be a treat. i often make fun of people for holding "impressing chicks" as their highest priority. that's the majority's mentality. i personally mock that lifestyle simply because it's so primitive, and if i could, i'd make myself not-so-primitive. not saying i'm better than anyone, but my intentions are... i'll stick by that.

example: one friend of mine asks another friend of mine, what are your passions in life?
she didn't know...

you ask me that same question, and i would definitely be able to pull 2-3 things that i'm TRULY passionate about.
-music, computers, cars, fish, technology... there's more that i enjoy, but those are the first things that come to mind.

most people are not that way. they do those things to keep themselves occupied...
i do them or enjoy them cause i yearn to know more and experience more about these things... whereas i see the masses focused on one thing, chicks.. or better yet sex. that's the focus, that's apparently the ultimate goal for everyone. sex sells right?

well for you, not me. not saying i don' t like chicks, i just like other things too.

AND i'm home...
it's good being here... i mean not really very crazy and exciting. but that requires work.... and i'm not a worker. i'm watching the disney channel and surfing my favorite web sites

so yea i'm here, the only child. my brother's in italy, and my sister's out with friends. i haven't even changed out of my pj's all day... i have a perpetual stuffy nose which runs like a marathon runner.

i miss school.. i'm going back on friday... but i miss the social atmosphere.. i miss the cute girls walking to class, and the hand shaking of various friends. i never thought i'd say "i miss school". perhaps i should rephrase to "i miss college".

i'm alone here!
i'm enjoying the tranquility of relaxing and not doing much. gotta enjoy it while it's here...

i'm also getting really good at tossing trash into the trash can from the computer desk!

we get so used to things, things that we shouldn't get used to.

and all of a sudden, those things that we're used to and comfortable with go away. and what? first thing that happens, someone says: "you don't know what you've got till it's gone." -thanks for driving the nail a bit deeper.

people come and go. and as soon as you're comfortable and dependent on someone or something, there's a vulnerability you just opened yourself up to. if they leave, you're hurt.

"in grief and nothing, i'll take grief" - ferris buler's day off.

better to have had and lost ya know.

it's good to reflect on the past and chuckle in your head about how things were.

i miss my granny bird.

here at work.

yo i'm here at work

i'm getting a headache from being here at work

i don't accomplish ANYTHING here at work

people don't like me here at work





but i get paid to do nothing here at work



maybe you should try being here at work.

i just got out of the shower with my backpack

and i do most of my thinking in the shower... here's where my thoughts took me today:

my dream girl goes something like this, pretty on the outside, yet rugged on the inside. she can watch football, shotgun a beer, drive a stick shift car, and eat a 20oz steak for dinner.

my ideals are not abnormal, most men like women who are overall feminine yet also carry masculine traits.

SOOOO....

let's use some deductive reasoning, since i've been forced to use it for the past 17 years of schooling. girls should like guys who like girly things! (is this what they call getting in touch with your feminine side?)

well lets say for example stationery... honestly i dig cute stationery. plain and simple. i like stickers, pencils, pens, paper, envelopes, writing letters, getting letters, pencil boxes... i mean lots of people say that my hand writing looks "like a girls" which i think is shullbit, my handwriting is neat, you can see the letters. most guys i know have illegible handwriting. so i can see why people say that... but i mean, the main point here is that girls DON'T dig guys who are girly...

i mean, girls think that gay men are so hot, but does that work the other way around?

girls can be girly and manly and still be attractive. men on the other hand need to follow a much stricter path in order to attain a desirable state. maybe i'm being one sided and that actually means girls have it worse. they have to be 2 things not one?

either way, my backpack's real clean now, and so am i.

gosh i've been ignoring my blog... but for some reason i'd like to think that that means that i have a life, away from my computer... if there is such a destiny for me. i mean i just can't get the damn thing right, so i keep putting work into it so that i'll be able to conquer that piece one day...


not that i don't enjoy doing stuff, for example tonite, go to pacific beach, to a club called plan b
thursday see soulstice in la
friday see zero 7 in la
sat mom's bday
sunday back to irvine
monday-wed snowboarding
thursday-i'm reserving this day as of now to just relax, enjoy my break... pretend that i'm in the middle of summer vacation.. that point where you've gotten far enough away from classes that you can't remember them, and where classes are far enough away that you don't have to think of them...

kinda like the riddle: how far can a dog wander into the woods? A: halfway, cause when he wanders further, he's close to the other side.

those two have nothing in common. but i like that.

~sigh~



finals are over for me, the quarter is over for me. i need to relax... but i'm working 4:30 - 11:00

my quick day: studied, came home, read kim's blog then did the colorgenics profile which told me what my problems were and how to solve them....



It is strange that the anxiety that you are experiencing at this time is of your own makings simply because of your desire to be respected by your fellow man and with those whom you work with. You are not satisfied. The normal congenial "you" is becoming quite introverted. This is becoming increasingly more obvious because you seem to shy away from participating in everyday activities ... You are refusing to allow yourself to become involved, or to participate with others and it is the reluctance to communicate that is the inherent cause of your problems.



that's what they're telling me, i'm anti-social, and i'm missing out on lots of fun cause of it...



i beg to differ, my quest for insanity is ongoing... just being anti-social isn't enough to achieve a mental breakdown... SOOO to help out i frantically purchase computer accessories that i'm set on making my life a better one... yet hands down, everytime, i pull hair by the hand-full to get them working. then once i've done that, something else goes wrong...



so beat and i went to the pomona computer show "computer swapmeet" and well i spent about $80 on three goodies! a usb hub, cause well you always need more right? a UPS (uninterupted power supply)<- it's pretty, and matches my case, it's black! which i got for 36.00, then saw at fry's for 119.00, and a webcam! whoo hoo! how cool is that three fun things!!!



until i came home and set them up...



ups, fine, great, stable, even looks cool... it could get chicks!



usb hub, HA, it even has 2 LED's -> and i LOVE LED's!!!



BUT the webcam, oh i had to get a webcam.... now for some goddamn reason my TVtuner won't open, says that the driver's being used by something else... what a piece... that's well almost kinda expected....



BUT now my burner isn't recognized... wtf? where does that come from? who does this? do normal people experience this?



at times like this i don't know whether to cry or laugh, both, neither, walk away, ask someone, or just simplify... but these days i've been very focused on 2 things, the first thing is obviously my computer, secondly i've been focusing on me.... i'm lonely, i'm content, i'm overwhelmed, i'm not sure. the only thing that really keeps my attention are girls and learning about my computer. i'm honestly really bad at both though. it's not the girls OR my computer though, it's ME! i could call more girls, but i'm very hesitant to call people... daily i pick up my phone and scroll down the names, i'll see one of someone that i'd like to call, but then think of every reason to not call them... then go on like that till the list's end... it'd be so easy to just push talk and say "hey what's up, what are you up to?" am i really THAT afraid of them saying "i'm busy, can i call you back?" this is ME here... i have faced rejection time and time again... what's wrong with this micro-rejection? it's so small, but i look at it thru a microscope and it appears pretty big, i'm an idiot.



besides that... i've figured out that i'm in love with Lain... she's a highschool student, who ends up being the one chosen to bring the wired world and the real world together, once she does this, she decides that it's wrong and then erases herself from history. i think she's a lesbian though, cause she is in love with Arisu, who's pretty hot too.



if you haven't figured out, lain's a cartoon. i feel like her lots of the time though. she's a bit of a social outkast, she likes being by herself, but she likes her friends too. she's not hip, and she's not understood, thus disregarded. i think her and i would have fun if we kicked it... well if i was a bit younger... and yea she'd not be a 12 episode cartoon.



ok so my conclusion is that life isn't at what i expect, so i focus on my computer to keep my mind off of it... and well that turns out making things worse. it's an open loop system (for those of you who've taken a control's class) and those suck!!



this is getting long.. but shit. i'm not writing for anyone but me, sometimes i don't want to write stuff here cause i am not sure what people will think of it, and then it'll be weird when they seem me... but then i don't know who reads this? virtually anyone in the world could, but then those chain letters say that only 1% of the world owns a computer... HA, if everyone in the world owned one, the frustration level among populations would dramatically increase and result in mad hysteria... oh wait... lain tried that already and she ended up erasing herslef from history, and everyone's mind... so eventually i'd end up doing that i guess... hmph, not worth the trouble.



i'm also starting to like the girl in Angelic Layer her name is Suzuhara Misaki, she's pretty dope too, but she's a freshman in highschool who has a crush on Koutarou...



i usually don't conclude my writings very well... and i figure that the reader should conclude what he/she read, instead of me tellin them what they should think about my writing... but this time i seemed to do just that.. well kinda.. shit. ok that's all. peaceoutlates